Under The Weather

Hope this week is better than last, the weather put me off going into the office quite a bit but more so was my damn stomach.  Whether its because I know what is causing it or whether it is just getting worse I don't know.

 

On top of everything else we have both had a bug, the one that makes you rush to the loo!  It isn't much fun feeling crap to start with then having additional low stomach pains too.

 

Although I've was at home most of last week I've scarely been on face book or blogging, I am in one of those I don't know what I want moods.  Stupid really as we have been given such good news I should still be high on it, yet I feel so down.  I guess my stomach problem is to blame for this feeling, if I could just have one morning where I woke up feeling good it would make all the difference.

 

It is annoying as I have no pains from the meso that are getting me down, I would be Normal if it wasn't for this blasted stomach, sorry I am going on and on a bit but I just want to be normal!

 

Reading my fellow bloggers, Ray, Mavis's sweet husband, has had a couple of heart attacks, which came to a shock to us all, Steve had wonderful news and I hope he and Linda are now living the high life, although still recovering from the chemo after effects, Debbie isn't well and holding back chemo and Ray has been quite breathless recently.  We all live and deal with mesothelioma in such different ways, I guess as a small handful of those we represent we show a broad spectrum of what life can be like.

 

Mine at the moment is moan, moan and moan!  I wish I could have the courage to try surgery as I am sure my quality of life would be improved but I am so worried that the meso is pulled into my abdomen that the QoL would be short lived!  I do hope that when we board this ship end of April the movement makes my stomach feel better, who knows all those waves could make the bile exit the correct way instead of trying to come into my throat!

 

I can see why only the brave try to have their own books printed, what a carry on when dealing with printers and getting IBSN numbers.  The one good thing about doing it myself is no agent will be taking a fee at the end of the day so that means more goes to the charity but then printing is an expensive layout when you have your first order of books.  It's not that I know I will sell hundreds so I can't order a mass amount that will make it cheaper, apart from that I need to think of storage!  Obviously the bad thing is no publicity either, which then means less sales.  Its a no win situation.

 

I have spent some of my miserable week working on the second book of the series, trying to keep my mind off the loo.  I hate wasting a day in front of the TV, to me that isn't being alive, but then sitting in front of this damn computer isn't one either.

 

I need to go into the office today, yet looking out at the cold and the wind I wish I could just hibernate for a few more days! 

 

Hope spring arrives soon then summer shortly afterwards.

Weekend of Pain

What a rotten weekend, the weather was terrible and I think my body was in tune with it.  Between stomach aches for no reason, Gary has become a dab hand at making water bottles, to be fair the stomach aches have been all week!  Then the strange stomach feelings on a morning, coffee just doesn't taste right even if I postpone having one for a good 15 minutes after surfacing.  Sunday my chest felt tight and all I felt I wanted to do was take a massive breath of oxygen but I know that wasn't the problem.  Then the iron bar across my back and just feeling totally crap.  I had high hopes of feeling better after the operation but it seems as I've recovered from being butchered all the old signs of this bloody cancer are still here, maybe they were still there but underlying as the brain was dealing with so many other pains.  All I know is that there seems no respite for me.

I took a sleeping pill Wednesday night as it was two weeks without decent sleep, and to make up I took another one on Thursday.  Friday I was out of sorts and blamed the tablet .. to much unnatural sleep .. but the out of sorts continued to pain and discomfort.

I was worried yesterday, at one point I thought of going to A&E but seriously what can a hospital do for you when you know what the problem is, I have tried stomach tablets without success, pain-relief does work on the pains but not on the aches and for my chest what ... I nearly went to my mams and took a swig of her oxygen machine, but in my heart of hearts I knew this would do no good either.

I am hoping this is just a one off week but I had sweats last night, the dead rabbit type.  On a high note I have managed to put on weight.  I got out of the shower and noticed for the first time that my boobs don't resemble dried up currents but more like grapes, and my arms have filled back out.  I just need to be careful I don't get a much of a stomach or I will panic.

Have decided to go into work today, at least it will keep my mind occupied and I might even get some work done which makes me feel a little better, recently feel like I'm getting paid for doing nothing and that doesn't rest easy in the mind.

I do hope everyone else had a better time of it than me, I just can't understand why I always am ill and here I am debulked and should be in respite.

Hopefully will publish some photo's of baby bear later on, he raises a smile.  He is certainly taken after his name, his breeder and I both think he's been eating too many pies, he's twice the size of his baby sister.  3 weeks before we can hold him.  I do hope that I am doing the right thing although I know if I should pop my clogs, he may miss me but Gary will certainly be a good dad.