I got in to see the GP and he had a quick listen, the pain doesn't seem so bad once I get moving around but I have a stuffy nose and a rotten headache.  He said it sounds flat, but to be honest I don't exactly have an easy chest area to listen to.  He prescribed Clarithromycin so I came out hoping it's an infection.  I took the tablets after dinner and then 3 hours later was ill, feeling sick, diarrhoea, stomach pains etc.  My mouth tasted terrible and I knew I was having a reaction to the tablets.

This morning my heart feels heavier and my head not so good, I text my doc who wants me to go to urgent care but its Saturday and I know I will end up spending at least 4 hours sitting there with lots of bugs floating around.  Having hunted through the medicine cupboard have found some flucloxacillin so text back and said will try these but will need more on Monday if they work as I don't have a full course.    I have had intermittent pain in this area for quite a while, which I know will be the meso, but to have it full on like this I really pray it is an infection.  The pain is terrible and as I am waking up my brain is trying to deal with it by trying to categorise it in my mind, I know I am strange.  I don't have shortness of breath it just hurts if I breath deeply, guess I will be spending the weekend bored rigid on the sofa.

Its 3 years tomorrow since I had surgery, 3 years, the time has flown by so fast, it took me forever to recover from the pain, but then again I did push myself too much by being back at work 3 months later.  I am the worst patient for being ill.  But as Lyn keeps saying I can't go back and change anything I did what I did and that's that.

Scan is booked for end of February, then I guess see what is out there, if this is meso then I need to shrink it or stop it so I don't have pain and that means taking action.  I know I do have growth and I have thickening around the heart area as well as those naughty nodules, but could they grow so fast to cause so much pain in such a short period?  And action - what action is left out there for me?

My sofa is calling, have a few Dvd's to watch so maybe today will fly as well.

No mercy Mesothelioma

How often have I ranted at everyone insisting they get scanned every 3 months, how many times do we hear that the meso had started again because we werent' getting checked out every 3 months and had no idea how long it had been sprouting its ugly spurs, so how stupid was I to let my specialist tell me I was having too many scans and really I should only have one every 6 months.  Infact, I wasn't even going to be given on after 6 months if I was waiting for my specialist I would still be waiting.  A couple of weeks ago I said to hubby if I didn't have a date I was going to get back in touch with my old (privately paid) oncologist to see if he could get me one.  Thankfully, my GP rang me on the lead up to Christmas and asked when my next scan was, I told him I hadn't been given one and he was non too pleased so it seems he organised the one I just had himself! 

So my friend has returned, the areas that were suspicious and brought to my attention by Dr Abtin (USA) are now well and truly active...  The fight will have to start again and I have lost round one already.  Multi focal recurrent pleural malignancy\mesothelioma, what a mouthful but there we have it .. back and kicking.

To say that I am shocked would be unbelievable because we all know that our time isn't our own, we know we have a ticking time bomb inside our chests.  Indeed, every new ache we wonder, even if briefly, is it meso, but we blindly don't think it will return.  We are blinkered into believing we will outwit this rotten cancer.  I have worn those blinkers, I have delayed doing a bucket list with my life and making the most of the time I have, I put its return in the far reaches of my mind so that I could carry on living a normal life.  The pain, as you all know, has worn me down, but it is pain, it won't kill me but now I wonder if  the adjustment in area's hasn't just been my body fixing and repairing itself, its probably being my friend rearming and posting little soldiers all around the chest so that it can come back as multi focal.  Why not just one area, why does it have to hit the whole area. 

What have I ever done to mesothelioma .. did I invite it in, have I done something over the last 2 years to stir the bloody disease back to life .. will I be able to build my army to fight back? 

The support of my meso friends will bring me courage to face the next step and I know that I will do whatever I can to get back to a normal life, I'm not ready to do the bucket list.

Jan

Gaining Energy .. Just

With the hint of spring around the corner .. well nearly, this week has flown.  Its the last week of our main Company's final year so last week was a little of a nightmare, then I have been on site with the houses everyday as well.  Although I don't call it resting on Friday I went with hubby to his sisters and had a hand in some decorating.  I know that I will suffer from stretching but it was worth doing something different and I do enjoy getting stuck in.

I did suffer, this morning, but I refused to stay home and sit on the sofa feeling sorry for myself because it just makes you feel stale anyway.  Out we went with the dogs and although it was colder today than yesterday I did enjoy our tramp around.  I managed an hour's visit with my mam but as always she makes life hard for herself.  Over the last couple of weeks her legs and feet have swollen beyond what the skin can take so they were weeping buckets as well as hurting.  She refuses to walk unless she needs to go to the loo and no matter how much I moan at her to get up and do something she just ignores.  Today was no different, I said come on lets walk around the house and get those legs moving ... 

.. mind eldest brother takes no notice either, his head isn't getting any better and I think he looks worse.  He had his staples out on Thursday and the nurse again told him he had to rest ... he needs to take a leaf out of our mothers book!

I heard from Linda in the States, seems her sister still hasn't had her radiotherapy, there goes my belief that things get followed through faster there than here.

Speaking of USA the solicitors have been in touch again, something to do with the American Government having a fund set up for people with meso which may have been contacted through the English ran companies.  Maybe something nice might just happen, not that money can buy you health but hopefully will go to helping the cause.

Our new mattress arrived on Thursday and you sink into it, I must admit my ribs didn't feel as bad as normal the last couple of nights but I daren't say too much to soon.

Nev came through his surgery on Monday, although like me his bp falls drastically and he ended up staying over.  It did affect his ms as his speech was still slightly slurred on Friday but he is such a strong person, he was in pain because he was in a grump all week.  As for the results, at least 2 weeks before we know what is growing down there.

I had my scan on Wednesday, I am a little nervous but then I haven't really got any new pains, just my old ones getting worse!  I only hope I can get my hands on the CT Scan as Dr Abtin is eager to review.

I hope Debbie's forthcoming trip goes ok to see Prof V, Cliff is doing ok and all we can hope for is static\stable results.  I don't know how they are doing it again, but I know that when the time comes we all find that inner strength and fight it all the way.

Next week will be another heavy duty for me I don't know whether I have enough steam to keep pushing myself at this pace and will probably end up on the sofa for a long week end before long.  I said to hubby today that we need to decide what hols we want to take and when, I think the dogs will have to go to kennels this time but I want to find a different one, Lexi needs a lot more comfort now that she is getting on, plus her bum is nearly back to normal, one week of not keeping on top of it can set her back again.

Wishing everyone the best and remember no surrender

Jan