New or old Growth Meso

These last few days have been an annoyance with pain.  I am sure that ever since my overdoing it on my birthday walk my friend, meso, has jump started into a new growing wave.  The structure that holds my heart in place feels like a ton weight that is pulling south with every movement.  A new pain has developed on the left just on the last rib and a couple in the right lung, especially one around the shoulder blade.

Whether this is another quick spurt that will settle once my body gets use to them being there I don't know but I hope so, I really can do without it.  I keep telling myself I will hold back, I guess in my mind, as in the minds of other meso sufferers, I am waiting for that magic pill that will take the meso away and it never come back.

I was reading about other sufferers and seeing that some have managed 4 years meso free after treatments and more so surgery I feel robbed.  All the treatments and surgeries I have endured and my meso always seems to rear its ugly head, one year after the last surgery just isn't fair. 

Funny though because my whole body is feeling the effects, my joints ache, my legs feel heavy and I just can't be bothered.  Will I feel better in less than a months time, I hope so, because we are going on our cruise and hopefully the sunshine will give some peace to the pain that is currently controlling my life and my attitude.

Lifting the morphine for these pains won't work, it isn't acute its more wearing, a slow toothache apart from the heart area and my that hurts but not acute.  I have always been told that meso pain is the worst there is, but just how much worse can it get? 

I was watching the amazing Mr Benjamin last night on tv and I cried, I felt all this emotion that has sat inside for so long rise to the surface.  I missed my mam and felt guilty that I wasn't at her bedside when she died and for the first time that I can remember I started to worry about actually dying, will it be fast, slow, painful?  Terrible thoughts were racing through my head that by the time I went to bed I had put myself into a state, one which I can never discuss with hubby.  I ended up taking a temazapam just to help me relax otherwise my mind was going to be on that ever turning wheel.  I had hoped when I woke up this morning the pain in my heart would have lifted but no its still there.

I do envy those who have no pain, honestly if you are reading this with meso and are pain free you really have no idea, under the circumstances, how lucky you are.  How much pain can the body endure in one lifetime?  Between this and endo I have been in pain since 1988!

Sorry I am feeling sorry for myself big time, I need a good shake.  I know that many of us with Meso go through days, weeks and some even months in this state, but it doesn't make it any easier does it. 

I really want to take the mutts for a walk today but the thought of tramping through the high grass and making my aching heart work harder isn't appealing, but being stuck in the house sitting in front of a computer screen isn't the answer either.

I have joined fb and have learnt so much from postings but regret it because I am finding I can be on there for too long.  I need self control back.

I know I can't face another Nothing Day today but at the moment my body is telling me that's what is going to happen.  I hope no one else is having one today!

Lung Damage Explained

Can you believe it I finally get to the surgeon and I can't find my lump!  the hard core has disappeared again and the soft squashy tissue isn't squashy.  I don't know whether its because my Doc is (in my opinion) one that gets your heart rate going or the healing did a damn good job.

The lump does move and after forcing a few coughs it came up and down from the ribs, Aha lung tissue being forced by underlying meso.  Can't do it and this is why:

To remove the meso would mean cutting away alot of healthy tissue to ensure it was clean, because of its situation part of my rib and muscle would need to come out too.  A lot of pain to follow and another year for the body to adapt.  Then, once in how far does the meso go, if the lung needs cutting then serious risks of it not repairing, its close to the air leak and fluid department which makes even more complications.  Hence, unless the lump explodes and goes red and sore and weeps it stays where it is.

At least explained in nice normal understandable terms.  I do feel helpless and left to ransom with this cancer though.  We talked about the other tumours, not so much the tumours but procedures to remove them.  Cryo although good at freezing, not proven as a procedure here, like thermal can explode and kill the tumour, but what about the outlying damage around the tumour it causes.  Everytime I stick something into the lung it leaves scarring, increases the risk of collapse completely or another lung disease.  Radiotherapy needs a decent sized target to ensure it doesn't damage other tissue.  The waste of the cells gets washed away in your blood, the hope, although not proven, is that it triggers something in the immune that suddenly sees what a cancer cell is and stops helping them for a while.

I apologise if my doc reads this and I haven't understood it correctly!

The progression at the mo is slow, does that make me feel any better, no as I was looking for something the other morning and I found a report from the radiologist in 07 which said something along the lines of although progression was stable and slow in 06 within the last 3 months the disease has become aggressive. 

I know my name has been put forward for any trials that may pop up, but hubby isn't keen on this idea.  The meeting was also interesting because I do expect to much from my body.  When you have an operation you expect to feel better the next day because you have got rid of the symptoms, although after the problems I have had with surgery over the years I should know better.  But cutting into the chest region takes an awful long time to recover (not the few months I pushed myself into), meso causes a lot of pain naturally - for some reason it always finds nerves to sit on and muscles to grow from.  The lung is simply covered in nerves and anything that doesn't belong keeps sending alarm bells to the brain which in turn makes it pain.  Then there's the additional fighting going on within the body, making us tried, other organs don't get as much protection because our immune system is busy working in our chest, it goes on and on. 

Each person I know is looking for something that can help them, and the rest of us.  Again with meso what works with one seems to have no effect on another, hence the trials never get the results because overall it isn't a benefit to the masses. 

All I can do now is hope that the meso doesn't grow (likely chance of that happening) or when it gets to 2cm I get them blown apart and my body picks up being a garbage man and clears the rest away. 

Oh and believe it or not but the scan arrived about 3pm on Friday, just as we got home!

No walking for me and the dogs today either, the wind out there is terrible so guess its a day in the house and the dogs in a sulk with their mother!  Enjoy your day