Pains and more pains

I feel like a little spoilt brat at the moment because I am going to whinge about pain, my leg has got no better and now what feels like my Achilles heel is injured, which because of the way I am having to walk is making my leg hurt even more, now not only the top of my thigh but my bum, back, shin and of course the heel itself are either throbbing or aching or feel like I have a Chinese burn going on inside.

 

I really just can't stand any more pain, my ribs on the left feel inflamed, Monday I felt like I was coming down with cold and felt miserable, taking night nurse and diazepam because my body was going into overdrive.  How do people cope, I just don't know anymore.  I know I am fed up of pain, one seems to fade into the background as another appears, its a long road that never ends.

 

At present my chest feels like it has been in a vice on the left side, on a morning that takes a good hour before I feel like I have room to sit straight, but then it aches.  I don't want to start taking more morphine I just want to understand why pain is increasing, after all my last scan said I was inactive, ok haven't results for this, but am hoping for the same.

 

Maybe if it was a one off that we do go through, everyone has aches and pains sometimes in their lives, but I just feel I have been dealt the must unluckiest hand given.  I know that sounds self pitying but today that's how I feel.  I feel bad for hubby too, he sits there and can't do anything, I feel like he is having to become a servant for my needs and that isn't right.

 

Even my bum cheek hurts now, and as always its the left, my fear's are growing, I had the worst nightmare last night, probably brought on by my fear that is racing round my head, what if the meso has got to my spine?  If it is resting on a nerve in my back maybe I can get a nerve block for it but what if it isn't.  I have considered it not being connected but then why my left and why where the bottom of lung is where all the nerves are gathered in one big block. 

 

I so want to be pain free, to live and not be sat here feeling so sorry for myself.  What makes it worse is I know many meso warriors are going through much worse but even that thought isn't stopping me feeling like this.  Dear God please take the pain away.  Even sitting is painful.

 

Just had to get this off my chest because my mind is buzzing with meso.  Somewhere inside I know that a spot of nerve pain can be caused by no other reason than a stretch but its been weeks since it started, 4 physio appointments later and I am worse.

 

So my mood is that of the weather, grey and miserable.

Weekend Sunshine

I don't know where the time has gone since last Good Friday and this weekend.  I know we were all disappointed with the weather, I've never known such a cold Easter, but the last March we had when it was this cold I was only two!

 

I spent Easter Weekend literally typing, Easter Monday saw me complete my first draft of book two, I did just over ten thousand words that day and to be honest I was exhausted, both mentally and physically.  I mentioned my legs had been aching and more so my left, I have a feeling I have actually pulled a ham string.  Yesterday hubby made me do some stretches, painful as they were they seemed to have helped. 

 

Wish I could say about the headaches I have been having, not sure whether it's my eyes or not, but they too seem to get tired, more now than ever. 

 

I think I am hitting that age when everything starts to begin to fail, next I'll be wearing tener ladies!

 

Poor Debbie has been struck down by meso pain, doctors find it hard to match pain killers to this pain, and to be honest it is difficult.  Either it can be a stabbing pain or a continuous feeling of someone putting a drill into your insides or a constant ache.  Each of them requiring a different pain relief.  I know I live on morphine, and yes other pains still get through.  When the meso is growing it too can cause its own pain together with nerve damage pain.  It would be wonderful if they brought out a tablet that killed it all, instead we find we have to take a combination of drugs to get on top of it.  As the years have gone on I have never got on top of my pains, some become background that you feel all the time but your brain stops telling you how much they hurt.  Our bodies are amazing and at times I guess we don't appreciate them, until something goes wrong.

 

I know if you read this blog you have probably read everyone else's, but I still would like to thank Linda and the people at ADAO for doing such a wonderful job at the conference.  I wonder why ours aren't as big as those in the states?

 

This has been the first weekend for weeks that I have actually been over the fields with the mutts, it was great yesterday as I watched 5 buzzards flying over the trees, hopefully they will nest close so we can watch them raise their young.  Today a deer stood staring at us for quite a while, although it is wonderful I do wish they would move, if I was a poacher, which have been reported in our area, I would have had a clear shot.  But for being out, no wind, we even had sunshine!

Our hols are coming up and I must start thinking about putting the summer clothes out, I am becoming lazy where movement is concerned.  I just can't seem to pull energy together to do the things I could.  I just seem to lack enthusiasm for things at the moment, but am sure that is down to no sun!

My meso had better stay away from my pericardium this year, I need a long flight in November to catch some warmth to get me through the long winter months!.

To everyone struggling with meso treatments my thoughts are with you, to those of us who are inactive but stable, let us keep it that way.  Special thoughts to Tess at the moment and to Mavis who is waiting those all important scan results. 

Busy Week

My health has certainly taken a dip this week, I have been overworking my body and to be honest the thought of sunshine is calling.  I visited site 3 days and it was so cold my finger ends were white.  I think I am crazy taking on projects that I really shouldn't have.  3 of the houses are ready for boarding and 2nd fix, which means I need to get my plans for bathrooms and kitchens finalised, also the kitchens need sorting for the remaining 7 houses which I haven't really bothered with since knocking down some internal walls.  I didn't realise how much effort and time the housing project would take, now I am at year end for the Company with a lot of pre audit work to do, I need to do some updating on most of the databases I wrote over the years and my energy level is at zero.

I took a couple of temezapam this week to help ease the pain, the two nights I took it I slept wonderfully and I did get some relief as I didn't wake up during the night to feel myself locked in a position.  But the day after the night I didn't take it my body seemed to hurt 100% more.  I can't decide whether it is worthwhile taking them for a night to get some decent sleep but then having a double rotten day and night the one after.

Nev goes in for surgery tomorrow and the worry of what that will reveal is a heavy on my mind, not to mention the problem he has coming round after surgery, something to do with his MS.  Then my eldest brother Stephen got himself fully knocked out on Thursday afternoon on site.  His wife and I drove through to James Cook Hospital not knowing what to expect.  Luckily for him he turned out to be okay but on the reflection side it could have been a lot more serious.

All week I have been looking forward to going over to my sister in laws and help her get organised with redecorating her house.  When it came to yesterday I woke up with that rotten meso feeling, my ribs ached, my stomach area felt that yak, my false diaphragm was digging in, my legs ached and although I didn't want to waste the day on a sofa (which I really hate doing) I felt that was where I should be, but I took no notice of sense and logic and we went to her house.  Needless to say we didn't get anything done apart from buy some sugar soap for the bedroom walls!

It has been a week since Danny left this life, how many more will follow the same fate?  Another meso friend has had another good ct report, since diagnose he has had no new growth and is stable, that is now 18 months, no treatment, nothing.  I hope it carries on that way for him for many a good year to come.

All I can do is hope that my meso hasn't returned because I really have no idea of which route I would take, but pointless worrying about that until it happens.

Well do I try and help decorate today or stay home and rest, I have another full week ahead and no days where I could just work from home. One thing I do know is that once I kick start myself into action I will get something done.

To those of you with pain I hope you get some respite too!

Lung Clinic for Mesothelioma

After spending two weeks with increased pain and actually starting to feel a little better I bit the bullet and phoned the lung nurse who arranged for me to go into clinic at 2pm, I wasn't sure whether it was a walk in or an appointment based but something inside of me told me I should go.

I certainly got a full MOT and even surprised one of the nurses when my blood oxygen was 100% (it shocked me too).  An xray was done, bloods taken and even a water sample, which came back clear.  So where does this leave me, I found out that my CT Scan hadn't even been booked so that was arranged yesterday for next Thursday, I chatted to the Chest Doctor and he had a feel around my side, very tender, to the point I knocked his hand away, it's different when we touch our tender areas as we hold gently, but under examination they aren't gentle.  We even looked at the last two scans together, again that funny looking nodule at the bottom seemed to draw the Doc's attention.  It could be that it is pushing on a nerve and causing irritation but who knows.  The scan has been booked to do the lower part of my abdomen to my shoulders so maybe something else could be going on.  "After all," the Doc said, "You still have a body that can go wrong somewhere else".  From experience with endo in my early days I never had anything else wrong with me but endo, well until the cancer came, so I am finger crossing that whatever is going on is a regular body problem and not a cancer causing one.

Although I heard from Dr Abtin that his thoughts were the cancer was growing on the December Scan, and Dr Owens said there radiologists said not, you do feel in the middle, then for Dr Day to say he thought it looked like growth on the scan. I don't keep these in the front of my mind but bury them deep, try not to worry and get on with other pressing things like living today, working, playing with the mutts, keeping hubby occupied (he is the worrier) but every now and then they creep in and I guess Friday was one of those days too, I could feel my eyes wanting to well up with tears for no reason.  I guess the main reason for burying these thoughts is where do I go now if it has returned and if I think it might have come back will that make it actual and it has. 

Healing on Wednesday again was wonderful but the lady later told me I needed to eat complan to build up, so I went out and bought a box, and for some reason I have even started taking omega 3 capsules over the last couple of days ( I bought them for the dogs). 

Believe me I want to sort out the pain issues over the kidney area, infact I would like to sort out the pain in my left breast, my ribs on the left side, the slicing pain through the gap between ribs and pelvic bone, my back ..... yet I feel guilty for complaining because at the end of the day I am still here and very much alive and isn't that worth much more than complaining about pain?  My brother has MS and suffers badly yet he hardly complains .. again which makes me feel guilty ....

I have another problem too, my body doesn't like medication, for some reason I always react to tablets, drugs just don't agree with me, it's like my body is pure and the intake of anything other than natural products upsets the system .. yet over the years I have managed to tolerate morphine  very well which just doesn't make sense.  You can guarantee if I take a tablet that might cause kidney or joint aches I get the aches!  I think this is down to the chemo and the damage it did internally.

Well better get moving, have the tack room to empty ready for the builders.  Heaven knows where we are going to store all the stuff while the builders do their thing.

Obviously will let you know about the scan, when I get the results, and sorry I have gone on and on but I guess the blog is also my release valve too.

Keep fighting and never surrender