4 Years On from Surgery

The snow arrived late last night, Bear was the give away, bashing on the patio door to be in, his coat covered in white flakes.  The weekend flew by but not in the way that I expected.  Saturday I spent a good 3 hours grooming my baby Bear.  It isn't an easy job when he only allows you to do ten minutes at a time and the minute you find a tatter in his hair he's up and off.  Chasing him around the room gets tiring!

 

Sunday the sun was out and I was sure it would be a good day for a nice walk over the fields, how wrong could I have been.  The moment I stepped out of the car I started to cough, the air must have aggrevated my warm lungs.  As we walked across the first field I had to take some ventoline, which I hate doing, just to catch my breath.  I think the dogs took a huff as we only got part way down the second field and common sense made me turn around and head back to the safety of the car.  Although the walk back was as cold, with my scarf held close to my mouth and my head down I managed to get back without further coughing.  I was disappointed though as the sky was blue!  I hate having things close to my face, maybe it's a fear of not being able to breath that makes me feel this way.

 

The afternoon passed annoyingly.  We have all these super duper programs for digital cameras, lightroom, CS5 but could I do what I wanted and start a new project.  I want to create a slide show of our time together plus a scrap book that can be played on the TV, I guess like an ebook that retailers use these days.  Three hours of frustration, yes you can make a slideshow in lightroom but it sorted the pictures its way and not the way I wanted them.  Then in CS5 it does it in MB, but you can't add blank tiles to create text!  So I decided to download Photoshop 11, oh no more problems, 64 bit and the screen was non to helpful.  You need this but alternative download is this, which one??  As it happened I choose the wrong one, 3 hours later and its still downloading, so I binned it and started again.

 

It was only this morning when I realised the date that I thought wow my rebirth from meso is tomorrow, 4 years on.  I am grateful to this extra time and only regret the meso came back and I just can't get rid of it.  During the night the pain in my bottom left ribs was disturbing my sleep, I woke up and tentively touched them, they were sore as was the muscle to my abdomen, I hope this isn't a sign of something sinister going on.  The heart pain is becoming a normal pain, ie its there all the time but my brain is getting used to dealing with it.  My boob has decided to do that nipping sensation again, so I fear it may be back on the growth pattern again.  But, and its a nice but, I am still hear to moan about them!

 

I bet most of you think all I do is moan, but honest I don't, I just let it all out on here and occasionally with others.  The release sometimes of getting it off your chest is good, we have enough going on in our lives and to bear all we feel inside doesn't do us any good.

 

Is anybody else having problems with blogger, it keeps loosing your post part way through and you can't load photo's.  Technology is driving me nuts at the moment!

 

I am hoping to go to the Bond Night in Derby to see Mavis receive her award.  Hubby is, of course, not interested in going, I have tried to tell him it isn't a cancer night, it's an industry night which just happens to be awarding those who have spread awareness about mesothelioma.  I wasn't intending on going when I heard about it last year as I assumed, wrongly!, that I would still be on chemotherapy.  See you should never count your eggs as my mother would say.  I have to get my backside in gear if I want to go, but also need to find out who will go with me. 

 

Life always brings some problems with it.  I also realised today that its 13 years since I miscarried.  I am a strange person in many ways because as things happen I tend to get over them and move on, except with meso because it just won't go.  But every now and again the loss of a child, even though I didn't bear her, hits you hard in the heart.  She would have been 13 this summer, the start of the teens.  I try not to play out the if's and but's, how different our lives would have been had a child been involved.  As hubby reminds me occasionally, it would have been awful for a young child to witness some of the sessions I went through prior surgery.  It shows how strong several of our Meso friends are, Debbie has brought up her son, Heather was a new mum.  But we are human and in many ways we tackle what we have and just step into it, deal with it and move on. 

 

I can hear the pressure cooker releasing steam, dinner will be served in a few moments so I guess its time to log off. 

 

I hope we can all step into whatever is going on with our lives and deal with it, it would be nice though if we were all stepping into happiness right now, I certainly wouldn't want to deal with it I would want to wallow in it for a long long time - stay well.

A New Year

Normally I am always looking back and worried that I did the wrong thing about treatments, did I have this too early or too late, and today seems no different.  I am worried about the chemo I had in November and my two doses being enough before I went into body melt down and the fact that old pains are back as well as a couple of new ones but I refuse to keep these in my mind.

 

2013 has to be a year to look forward, I can't go back... I wish I could and I am sure I am not alone in this sentiment at times.  Choosing what to do and when is not an issue we should take lightly and as I wait for the appointment for a scan, which I still haven't had since chemo, I am left a little worried as to what it will say.  Has the 2 doses awoken the meso's wrath or did it ease its growth speed, even if the pains are back.  Maybe fluid was dispersed and is gradually building up again .. these are questions though we never get answers too.

 

I stepped out for my first walk of the year yesterday and boy was it cold and windy, we ended up driving part way into the first field as the wind was too strong for me to breathe.  At least I got out and made the effort, of which I intend to do more of this year.

Although I don't want to just be out dog walking, I want to go out and about and visit places I haven't seen in years.  Another good thing about yesterday was that I saw a few deer, always a good sign that the poachers haven't been out recently.

We saw 5 in all, 2 Mother's with their young ones, what a relief it is to see them.  They watched us cross through the woods before taking off and jumping the fences.

 

I found myself in tears as well on New Year's Day, there I was in the shower and thinking of all the people who have died last year of meso and then suddenly our little Jagar was in my mind's eye.  Probably because we have been looking at old photo's but boy did I sob.  Probably a mixture of what everyone with or associated with this cancer is going through.  Not to mention my own fears of what will I do next. 

 

I am hoping we will get away on some cruises but I need to get hubby sat down and focused on the brochures.  We both should stop the cigs and everytime I think of them I have a near panic attack at the thought of not smoking ... I have created an addiction to them and the more I think about not having one the more I find I want one!  A vicious circle has evolved.

 

Due to the windy weather we have endured I have been working through an exercise book on creating databases in VBA (for something to do and hopefully learn a trick or two).  I should have done this years ago when I started writing them, but as I have worked through it the code doesn't always work!  So frustrating but it has helped to keep my little brain cells ticking over.  I always want to run before I can walk on any project I take to hand so in some ways it has been good to start from the beginning and see where I go wrong and end up writing a long winded procedure instead of something short and sweet!

 

So we would normally be back at work today but we are staying off till Monday, having had days off doing nothing I don't really fancy having to hurry on a morning and go to work, ok I take over an hour to get ready on a workday morning, but over these hols I have sat in my dressing gown till 11 am! 

 

We haven't really been out so today I am dragging him in doors to the shops, we don't need anything but it isn't nice weather and I think its about time we escaped the house and dogs!

 

So here's to still being here this time next year and may we all find a path through the treatments that enables us to still be around in another 12 months.

 

I would like to say a Thank You to everyone that has supported me through 2012, you help to keep me battling on and also help ensure I write what I feel.

 

We had a sad year with so many losing the battle to mesothelioma, I hope and pray that 2013 we have fewer losses and less people being diagnosed.  Having your life be given a death sentence is so unfair.