Count Down

It has been a difficult time for the family, losing mam doesn't feel real and I have noticed the smell of gas in mam's house with no one been there.  So you know how your mind works, has mam being getting a daily dose of a silent killer?  Yet if she was on her oxygen mask would it have penetrated her breathing?  The recorder hasn't registered anything when it is plugged in .. probably me looking for a guilt trip I could do without. 

I never really discussed my cancer with mam, I guess she didn't want to think about burying me and I was sure I would go well before mam.  It has kept the whole family away from talking about next week.  Eldest brother has this idea that my troubles will be over once I get the tumours removed, my other sibling hasn't really said much, he knows this isn't such an easy journey nor will it give me outright remission.  Hubby hasn't said much either, apart from he hates the US and isn't looking forward to a minimum of 14 days out there.

I did get some cheerful news, B & H are out there for a holiday so hopefully we will finally meet and catch up for a coffee or something. 

Thanks to a lady called Julia I received some information on the Adam's Trial which is being headed up by St Bart's.  I have 68 pages to read and digest - had hoped hubby would have read it already but time hasn't been on our side these last two weeks.  I am dreading tomorrow, I have nothing ready for going away apart from buying a jar of coffee and some coffee mate, my prescriptions and of course some elma cream for the needle in my hand.  We are both going to miss the mutts like crazy, the vet is scheduled to call 3 times during the second week to ensure Lexi hasn't any bum problems getting too out of hand.

At least it will be 3 months since my last scan so we will be able to detect how much the thickening has grown over that time.  Hopefully its minimal which means I can hold back the chemo for a while.  I'm really not ready to think about that yet.  I also hope that Dr Abtin can do a little magic and give some pain relief when removing the tumours, it would be nice to wake up on a morning without feeling like I have an iron cage inside my left side, or even when I lay on my back and he gets rid of the feeling of pea's under my skin.

I don't feel nervous about the procedure, having been there before, and this time he isn't going anywhere near my aorta so no need to sign a 'rip my chest open' form.  I have downloaded plenty of fiction on the Kindle .. what a nightmare that was .... so as long as the sun shines at least we can sit out and relax.  If there's no sun this will make the whole experience even worse as I hate travelling these days.  I am becoming my mother's daughter I fear.

If I can get any published literature on cryo and how it is used in the States I am bringing it back in the hope we can get some of our consultants interested in performing it over here.  Freezing bulk must be better than radiating, we are freezing more and more cancers maybe in another few years some one will try it in the UK for meso.

I am totally wrecked and although I will be having treatment I am sure I can treat it as a relaxing time, I remember not having much pain due to the procedure and having less pain than when I went out, so on that bright note I will close for tonight.  If we have access to computers in the States I will update on progress, good or otherwise.

Research is worthless unless it is shared.

Jan