How wonderful it was to arrive through the front door of our own home and be knocked over by an overgrown Newfoundland. The flight was hard going as my left boob wasn't pleasant and I am sure other passengers thought I had a thing for it as I had my hand underneath it most of the way home.
The tumours were a little larger than I expected and when I read the report I was surprised that the probes had gone in some 10cm into my chest .. no wonder I hurt! In my body build that's half way through. I have been resting since returning home. I drove to the doctors last Tuesday and realised that was a bad idea as the pain in my left side wasn't nice and the driving seemed to aggravate it that little bit more. As it is when I put my left arm by my side I feel that I have inflammation in my chest and my arm buckles out over.
It was great to meet Helen and Barry, they were out in LA for a wedding and also took the opportunity to see a Cancer Consultant out there. Hopefully on there return they will give me a good run down of what was proposed.
I promised hubby and myself the night before the procedure that I would be taking time off treatment, at least 3 months before I think about starting chemo again. At the end of the day the procedure was evasive and your body can only take so much damage and interference at any one time. I do wish that we could get cryo started here. I took the opportunity about asking whether Thermal would do the same and yes it will but could damage and be more painful than the freezing. But after all the carry on with finance in the States I will be looking up Prof Lee's again in London to see if they can take out any further tumours. I will, of course, still send my scans out to Dr Abtin as he really does care. He did mention that I have three nodules on the right lung, one I knew about but if I have another two that have appeared I now think they may be more than just nodules, but I really hope it isn't the meso.
As for how my lung looks now I will have to wait for 3 months for a scan to see how the lung has settled and if the tumours have indeed gone. Unfortunately I have had to resort to further pain treatments and have started Gabapentin, although I am only taking one tablet a day at the moment, this needs to be lifted to 3 but I am going to take my time. Last time I was on them hubby was worried for his life....
It's the Mick Knighton Ball in May and I will certainly be attending. It will be good to catch up with a few faces and hopefully meet some new ones. We are making it a girls night, which will be nice for a change.
Finally my emotional state has sorted itself out and I feel back to normal. I frightened myself being so upset about treatments etc. On top of which I dropped more weight in the States .. how you may ask when the portions are so big .. and that's the reason, far to much food on the plate!
I know I knock the NHS for lacking in providing doctors that care, and money where it is needed, but after been back in the States it makes you realise how lucky we are that we do have a health system that tries to help. I was speaking to a meso friend today and they were telling me what a fantastic set up they have down in Sheffield. A good oncologist who works alongside their own GP, everyone is kept in the loop and any problems talked over as a team. Why can't we have that country wide?
I am still waiting to see my oncologist, yes I know I have been in the States but I emailed as soon as I was back to arrange an appointment. I need some help and advice on what I should be doing, how to build up some body mass for the next round of staying ahead of this cancer.
If we don't stay one step ahead we all know what can happen and lets face it meso doesn't wait for anyone. I don't know about you but sometimes this just doesn't feel real. On a normal day you do forget you have an ugly cancer encroaching your lung and sapping anyway your very existence, but on a bad day it can get you down. After the emotional turmoil I have just been through I think I have never really given myself that time to fully evaluate exactly what I do. Since 2004 I have gone through treatments, gone through scans, gone through more treatments, worried about dying, come through the surgery and thought that was the end of it. Suddenly the meso is back in your face and its back to treatments. Will the chemo work this next time, and if so, for how long will it hold it back. How long can the growth be controlled. I know that I am 'luckier' than some as I am still here some 11 years after the first really bad signs appeared, but I'm sorry 11 years isn't long enough ..
I realised another thing when over the pond, I need to take better care of my body, I keep expecting it to bounce back as if I have had a finger nail filed instead of the devastation I have put my body and cells through. I owe my body an apology for expecting too much because my brain and emotions expect more. I also realised that everyone around you expects more. Your family want you to keep taking everything going, your friends are the same, but sometimes you just need to say ' stop I need some space and time from this ', and that's something I have never said, but now I am thinking it. If the meso stays slow growing over the next few months then why not enjoy the sunshine and life, why rush into another exhausting round of chemo or whatever else you can find. You see I am in a mad circle, one minute I want to stay ahead, the next I want a break from it all.
On that note I will close. For once I want to hide my head in the sand and let someone else make decisions .. problem is who!!
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