Funny how mesothelioma really does take over your life, without you even noticing that you are getting on doing whatever it is we do, meso is always there. That twinge in the ribs, that little bit of breathlessness, the aching back.
I noticed today that half of our married life we have had to deal with mesothelioma, hubby picking up the pieces everytime I have had some sort of treatment, be it major surgery or a blast of radiotherapy. What memories will he have when I die? Those first years of marriage I had endo, and we learnt to live around the 2 weekly pain sessions, thinking we had finally got our lives to ourselves meso enters our life. There has always been a third unwanted guest in our marriage. Our time together has always been blighted with some form of him watching me and feeling helpless.
I am happy that he has taken up his hobby with the camera and getting out of the house, sometimes I did get annoyed when the house was left and he had sat watching tv all day but I realised the other month that I may be in pain but so too is he. Mental pain and anxious is much harder to deal with and to get over. Unfortunately, this anxiousness will never go, as we look towards the forth coming weeks how will we deal with it, treatments affects us both so differently, so getting him out as much as possible for the moment is important.
My family aren't really much of a support mechanism where emotions are concerned, both have the business to run, one with MS and all the problems it brings and the other heading for a major heart attack. I have also realised that during previous treatments I would force myself to work because they were my brothers and work was busy, but this time round I will rest more and worry less about what is happening. Although I do treat work as a place to forget my meso, once absorbed in whatever I need to do my meso is forgotten, only little Ann or Claire ask and occasionally if I'm off colour Mal will say I look terrible, apart from that it is my escape. Yet hubby doesn't have that escape, but when he is out with the camera and sitting waiting for the right photo his mind is anywhere but on meso and for that I am grateful.
Families need to get away from this cancer too, they may look strong around us but inside they too are crumbling, we don't see that as we are trying to be strong around them. I do believe it is harder for the spouse than for the children, but still it is hard for all.
When I sit in the office at home he is always there with me, sometimes he annoys me with the tv but I too would prefer him with me than being somewhere else in the house. Every minute together is precious and as time goes on I have realised that he is right, making special days will make it harder when the time comes to say our good byes.
Out of no where today I was thinking about the end, probably after reading about David being poisoned by his treatment and his time on this earth is nearly at an end. I was wondering whether chemo will be allowed if my platelets are low, as before it nearly killed me before the meso could. I thought about how I could say goodbye and leave a letter without him being there. I don't want him watching me struggle for breath like we saw my mam, I would rather end it myself and save him those awful last days but then could I have the strength mentally to do this? It is strange the thoughts we have.
As I said at the beginning Meso never really leaves our thoughts, and this week Cancer seems to be mentioned on everything we watch or read. I would love to go on holiday again just to get away from meso but it still follows, that third unwanted guest.
So many are back on treatments at the moment it makes me wonder how some of us have managed to survive so long and others seem to succumb to meso in a short time. I only hope my goodbyes can wait for another few good years.
I will warn you now that once I start chemo, if I do the blog I will be truthful to how I feel, I can only hope this time it isn't like the previous times, but if it is the same beware you may think this is how it will be for you, you have to remember each treatment affects each person differently, our bodies are unique to us as is how our bodies deal with medication.
Guess I will have to wait till Monday to find out whether I am allowed to fill my body with poison, not sure my body thinks this is the way to go but my mind is telling me it is.
To all affected by mesothelioma I hope you're not having these thoughts.
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