Cycle 3 - Dose 1: Days 1-5

My heart goes out to anyone that has to cope with chemo of any type, especially those who live on their own.  We know nobody can actually make us feel better, it is truly a journey we have to travel inwardly on our own, as is anything that causes pain. Yet just knowing there is that hand to hold makes us feel a little better.  It's at times like this I feel the most guilty about my mam living on her own those last few years of her life, not that she was on chemo or had cancer, but if she was afraid no one was there in those long night hours.

When my heart goes into meso fallout, I look to Gary as in expectation of him being able to help, I know he can't but we think some one can help, it's a natural human feeling.  I am giving him all those good signals that all is well, I can get through these 10 days because I have done it before, just wish these days were over.  Then we start again, our own fear of feeling this bad forgotten until it starts again.

I seriously can't believe patients can walk through chemo with only the odd feeling of sickness, my body hurts in places I didn't think could put out as much pain.  My kidneys are really doing everything they can, pushing that poison out but boy do they hurt.  I won't take any additional pain killers because my kidneys have to deal with the fall out, so these bad headaches will have to stay until my kidneys stop hurting.  I hurt and moan, I can't express how my body feels, a severe flu but without having flu.  I want to rest but find it difficult to settle, I could read but my eyesight is playing up plus headache makes it a no no.

It is so annoying when you want time to sort stuff out you never find the time, when you have the time it's usually because you're under the weather, therefore can't be bothered.  Back to afternoon tv and quite possibly a nap.

Keep strong all other chemo participants, I hope this journey is an easier one for you to travel.