It is distressing when all you want to do is sleep, it's only midnight but to me it's already 2 hours into my normal sleep pattern. I hate not being able to drift into that comfort zone called 'out for the count', the dogs are snoring, hubby's snoring, my eyes are tired but my brain is alive so here I am again up but thankfully without pain.
I am wondering if the last week was a session, I have been left with that dull ache back in my left armpit, the best description of its location, or is it because I have gone back to 2 omperazole at 9 pm instead of 1 at 6 and metrocloprimde for bed, which ever way I am pleased the pain has subsided.
I am getting myself lost off with this project of creating our life together, each program wants to keep importing files so I am ending up with folders and more photos. Adjusting some in Lightroom to find they don't change them on the hard drive but only virtual, elements keeps importing and creating folders and God knows which one to use to make a slideshow to then mix with the video? Honest, writing my book was easier! But I am one of those people that has to have it right too, so I will keep going over and over the same part until its near perfect then think Oh I can change that, it could go on forever, but forever I don't have.
I came across some pics of when I was in my late teens and early twenties, I always classed myself as an ugly duckling, my mother always told me I was and my brothers agreed. I have never had any confidence or self esteem, I spoke quietly too so people tended to ignore me when I was younger. in fact I guess you could say it's still the same today. Looking back at these pictures, which have been boxed away for some 20 years I was shocked how I looked.... Not the ugly duckling I perceived myself to be. Too late now though I can't go back in time and tell myself I can be confident. I wonder what would have been different if I had realised I should have been confident? Hopefully I would have still married hubby but I guess there would be no escaping having meso, that seed was planted to early in my childhood.
It is pouring down and blowing a storm here, Bear has decided because I am up he should be allowed to go back out and sit in the rain, well he hasn't got a cat in hells chance, although my knee is getting some damage with his paws instead of the door.
Well guess I should try and get my head down again, the hot chocolate is finished the room is cooling down and I don't want a chill.
I know that part of the reason for not sleeping is because I have spent most, sorry, all day on importing and trying to put this project together. Foolishly I have started with our wedding, it may be better to work backwards instead, but then what's interesting in cataloging the last 8 years of hospitals and surgeries, chemotherapy and everything else that goes with cancer! I want to leave happy memories for the times that he may need to remember me.
On that note I think I should go, otherwise tears may start to well and I can't have that, there's plenty of time ahead to get weepy.
Good night to my time zone, good morning to yours....
For some reason iPad works differently when blogging, have been taken into an old post back in march 09, 8 weeks after my major operation, if you have gone through surgery it would be interesting to see if you felt the same or if you're going for it have a glance over it. (That's if you're interested!)
http://jansmeso.blogspot.co.uk/2009/03/road-to-recovery.html
No comments:
Post a Comment