Christmas Blues caused by mesothelioma

Each Christmas this miserable feeling keeps taking over, is this my last one?  I know this is not the way to think but this year more than ever I feel at a loss.  Xmas 08 I was sure was my last and I was saved by surgery in the January, Christmas 09 I didn't worry, after all I had gone through major chop chop and all the meso was removed.  Christmas 10 I started tothink the same, the results had been confirmed that the meso had returned, now Christmas 11 the meso is still growing.  Yet last Christmas I was thin and gaunt, this Christmas I am carrying weight and look healthy, yet I feel unwell for want of a better word.

I should be starting this blog on a high note.  A few of my meso circle have had good results, all stable and I am so happy for them and I had intended to point out the positive side of how treatments can work and the stats are wrong. 

Has my negativity about this disease brought it back?  I remember hearing that Alan's and Danny's had turned nasty and then suddenly I was worrying about my own and feeling guilty that I was clear and then before I knew it I had changes.  After completing surgery and probably only gaining 18 months of a clear chest the odds in my favour of out witting this aren't great. 

I need to shake off this feeling of doom and start getting into the spirit of life, never mind Christmas!  Strange as well, knowing Lexi has cancer I am watching her like a hawk, she doesn't look that well in her eyes or is it just the cataracs, she is constantly chewing her thigh as if to get into something and rip it out, which makes her walking painful.  I couldn't bear it if Gary lost both Lexi and I the same year it would be heartbreaking.

We are planning on putting up the Christmas tree's today, one week to go and I still haven't sorted many presents out, let alone got Gary a card....What's that internet one called, maybe I will just hook up on that and get one done!  I did spend a couple of hours last night creating a photo collage for L & C, pictures of themselves from when we went on holiday.  It actually worked and fitted well into the multiple photo frames.

My heart seems a lot heavier at the moment, which doesn't help, and probably made worse by the fact that I know the meso is growing back on the pericardium (or false one in my case).  My breathing isn't the problem its this feeling of a large lead ball in the centre of my chest that is causing the discomfort and I have no idea what to do to get rid of it. 

I can't believe this was us in 1996, looking forward to such a bright future, I wonder if we had known then what would happen now would we have done things differently.  Gary was told he had 1 year to live 11 days before we got married, (it turned out to be a false alarm 2 days later,) and I swore I would make that 1 year the best he ever had. 

What I should be doing is making his time with me the best he ever has so instead of being married to a whinge bag he will remember the good times. 

Note to self .. get happy