Not understanding Meso at all

Friday I went to see Dr Hughes to discuss the Scan and update him on whether I had spoken to the Trial team.  I had sent him the emailed scan results, which in terms of reporting were short and not so sweet.  I had also asked about staging as in the UK we really don't do it that much.

Before surgery they had hesitated a guess at T3N, I understand it if had been T3M then surgery would have been out of the question.  I also discovered on Friday that the meso seems to be growing inside the lung, namely what they called intraparenchymal nodules.  I didn't know this could happen but this could explain the breathlessness that I am now noticing more and more, together with the heavy weight in my chest. 

The weather today was like 2011's summer days, we had our family walk in the fields both of us took our camera's, hubby looking out for birds and me snapping away at the dogs.  I just missed a Deer as it ran through the wood but we were more worried that the dogs saw it and gave chase.

It was wonderful to come back, pull out the sun loungers and spend an afternoon in the garden reading and relaxing.  My how the sun makes you feel good.

I am starting to worry that I won't be around next year and now with the news of nodules inside the lung it has really kept me awake at night.  Do they grow faster inside, I doubt they can be removed and it is the first time I have ever seen them mentioned on a scan.  I hope I will get some more information on this when I hear back from Dr Owens.

I am also due to see the trial nurse on Thursday, for some reason I thought that trials were just tablets and not chemotherapy, something hubby said yesterday about a trial taking place with cistplatin and I thought oh no not chemo.  I guess I will have to wait and see.

I am also beating myself up for smoking again and now with this result I feel it is my fault that the meso is inside the lung.  No one will ever be able to say for sure yes or no and I know that smoking is a killer.  Another choice I made and in this case a terrible one. 

I heard from Mrs Bradshaw this week, she lost her husband a year ago and is still promoting mesothelioma.  It is hard for our partners to continue with out us but to carry on working with those affected with this disease must bring the loss home everyday.  Today is 1 year since I lost my mam and I still miss her, how anyone can cope with the loss of a soul mate I could not even contemplate.

Time to wrap this blog up for the night, hopefully I will sleep better to night and get some decent much needed sleep.