Sunday Walks

Having had a week of work with no free time fresh air it was wonderful to finally get a walk out with the dogs and hubby.  I think it must be a couple of weeks since I wandered over the fields and this weekend has been wonderful for being outside.  Yesterday I spent an hour in the garden taking photo's of the dogs and today I took the camera with me and decided I would try and become a pro at capturing the loves of my life, hubby, Lexi and Bear.

Bear running back to me, I took a great one with his tongue out and eyes rolling but hubby didn't like it!

You can tell it was still chilly as we are both dressed for the Antarctic!  The dogs loved me being with them, when they go with hubby they go off and sniff everywhere, yet when I'm there they stay close to heel. 

It was nice to be out, the thoughts of the last couple of weeks were cleaned out by the cold air and it was nice to be not worrying over what I will do or won't do.  I have so much on at the moment I don't know whether I am coming or going.  My memory is appalling too and I have decided it is definitely down to the meds I am on.  Funnily just before I had this chest infection I was thinking of reducing the morphine to see if I could have some memory increase, but suffering from such terrible pain made me realise that the morphine is probably just matching the pain the meso is causing.

Having had a week plus trying to get computers to work, I remember once saying if it isn't broken then don't fix it, so why didn't I take heed to my own words.  Having updated a computer then having to totally replace it because it wouldn't work is really annoying, more so the fact that I keep every email I ever receive or send to do with my meso circle and meso information.  When I changed computers in 08 I lost all my correspondence and I really didn't want that to happen again, having made 3 back ups of my emails I still had problems bringing them in to Windows 7, so no it doesn't do what it says on the label! 

I have a new program to write websites but I haven't had a chance to even open the thing, I need to get down and do some advertising work for the houses at Sunnydene and still try and sell the houses at Spennymoor.  It's year end for work and already I have 3 year ends to complete for the small group of companies, too much work, so little time! 

On Wednesday I am going to get my hooded eyelids fixed, my eyes get so tired and my aromatherapist said it worked a treat for hers, I know I am going to put myself through another procedure, but at least this one may also take a few years off me - mind with my luck I probably won't be able to close my eyes fully!

I do have some good news and some sad news.  I recently have had correspondence with Juliet who's husband has just gone through surgery.  I have never known such a good recovery, he was home after 7 days and his pain management is perfect.  I do hope that he has no further worries of mesothelioma.  It is always good to hear news like this, surgery doesn't have to be as painful as it was for me, especially if it is the first time your chest has been opened.

On a sad note, I was recently in touch with a lady in Wales, her father was diagnosed only a few months ago and sadly he has passed away. 

Another Victim to Mesothelioma who has lost his life needlessly.

Mesothelioma was certainly a silent killer in this case as it came upon him so suddenly

My thoughts are with his family at this time

Trial Clinic

It's been one of those weeks.  I upgraded my computer last weekend to 7 but didn't realise I had a 64 bit computer, it had previously been running on Vista but 32 instead of 64!  So it kept crashing, hubby went on the internet and purchased me a brand new one.  Sweet!

I use to be good with computers etc, but not any more I didn't set the new one up right,  we hit the button 'easy transfer', which didn't ask what we wanted and started transferring everything over, old programs the lot, so we crashed it and tried to restore to factory settings, didn't work properly so ended up calling in our IT guy to put it right.  So Tuesday night I got to be at 11.45 and couldn't warm up, Wednesday was all day again over the new computer and then it was Trial Clinic on Thursday.

We drove up to the Bobby Robson Cancer Centre which is situated at the Freeman in Newcastle.  We weren't sure what to expect or really why we were there but Dr Plummer was a lovely young lady who explained how trials work from Phase I, which is what she does.

She was pleased to see someone reasonably healthy in front of her and said I would probably be offered a trial and I would go on a list.  We asked questions, but stupidly neither of us were really prepared with questions. 

Phase I is where the drug has just completed it's rodent toxcity and ready for the first human to give it a whirl.  This is where they start 3 people on a low dose, if it doesn't have side effects and cancer growth isn't too much the next 3 get a larger dose, if the side effects aren't to difficult and the cancer growth is stable they increase again and again until the either hit terrible side effects or the cancer didn't stop.  It is a big risk on these, but at the same time just as much risk as having a placebo on a phase 3 trial.

The first trial is also a blanket trial, so it isn't just for meso, maybe 21 or 48 people could be enrolled with various cancers, it could work with one type and not with another.  Apparently that's how alimta was found,  one of the patients on a trial had meso and alimta only worked on his tumour.

When I was on alimta I felt guilty that some Rat had gone through such terrible pain and wasn't able to tell anyone or get any comfort, I guess you could say if I go ahead the Rat is getting its own back on me.  I don't like the thought of drugs being tried on animals, they can't say no or don't have a choice and I was really shocked to hear that Apes and Dogs are still used in the USA, I only hope I have never had something tried on either of them.

I was just thinking yesterday how I just took this whole meeting as if it were a normal everyday event, shows how after so long with meso you just become adjusted to living with it.  If this had taken place 6 years ago I would have been on the phone to my friends discussing it etc but we just came home and continued with life.

I had a great skype conversation the other evening with Lisa, how marvellous skype is, after all these years I am getting back into techno.  It was great to put a face to someone I am in communication with.  As I said a couple of years ago in My Letter to Meso, I have met some wonderful people because of this disease, and I hope that all of us keep expanding those circles and help each other through one of the worst cancers out there. 

We still have what is classed as a rare cancer, I don't know how with so many people dying from it every year, I guess its rare because it is so untreatable.  Asbestos is hard to kill and yesterday was another learning curve for me, our cells try to kill this fibre but it keeps irriating our cell structure until the cell structure collapses and becomes damaged, then it turns on itself and the rest of our cells, hence cancer is born.  Because the fibre is damage proof, thats why we used it for everything, the body just can't break the structure down.  Let us hope out there somewhere is a natural asbestos killer and one that will be found before too long.

Work today, back to the grind stone, so looking forward to having a day off

Infuriating pain

It's been an odd ball last 9 days or so.  My heart pain subsides then returns then subsides, its like a merry go round but much worse.  I had a course of antibiotics, for a chest infection, which bloods must have confirmed as no other action was needed, but I fear that this new heaviness is here to stay.  The headaches haven't improved that much either, both signs of meso prior the operation.  I know that I shouldn' complain because I can still function and although I have other pain issues they seem to have faded into the background and let these stand out!

I haven't been out with the dogs the only good day we didn't have any wind was Tuesday but it was freezing, I only went back to work on Thursday and did a couple of hours, and felt guilty because my desk was piling up with work that I must get sorted.  The accountants rang and asked when my 3 year ends would be done for one of the groups ... only 1 month left to complete them so I must get them done,  and already its year end of our main Company end of Jan.  I just can't focus long enough to complete a single task!

Lexi has come into season early and the last couple of days Bear has stalked her every move, back to the ear washing and the constant sniffing.  It is terrible for the boy,  Lexi is too old for the op and I don't want to chop Bear.  Hopefully another day and their hormones will settle down, I have suggested sending Bear on holiday while she's in season but hubby doesn't think it will do him any harm. I said to him it must be similar to a man on Viagra and no woman in sight.

Scan date has come through end of Feb, so it will be 4 months since the last one, I know I'm worried but haven't discussed it with anyone.  If it comes back the same as the last one I will be over the moon but I daren't think to much especially with all this chest nonsense that I have at the moment. 

And life carries on, at times I can't believe that meso can be so destructive in such a short time and then you get reminded when someone dies within a short period of finding out.  A friend's friends father died within 10 days of being diagnosed just before Christmas, they had the shock of meso then loosing him all within 14 days, that's a lot to come to terms within.

Looking out at the tree's I know I wouldn't be stepping over the threshold today, another blustery day up North.  At least Hubby and dogs will have fun over the fields.......