The sun has left the North East of England but not without a few good days, I have more colour from my few days at home than my week on holiday. The colour helps us look a lot healthier than we are, this morning I looked grey and my tan just didn't manage to hide it.
During the night I had that terrible feeling of pressure right in the centre of my chest, where my heart should be, which then turned into a weight that was oppressive. I was deciding whether to take some morphine from 1.30 am because it just wouldn't let me sleep, but I didn't want to disturb hubby by trying to find it in the dark.
When dawn came and it was light enough I took a couple of pills and slept for another couple of hours, pain was still there but at least it eased enough so I had some sleep. Maybe stress has helped it along, I returned to work on Monday and ended up doing a long long day, followed by another long and tiring day yesterday. The pain kept at it until I topped it up again with some more morphine around 11 this morning, on top of my usual quota of the stuff!
Hubby rang me at work to ask if I had a spare 10 minutes as he wanted to show me something, so I grudgingly said ok. He picked me up and took me over the fields and said when he had the dogs out just 20 minutes earlier he had seen a young calf just born to one of the Deer's. Both mother and calf were lying in the long grass and he had hoped they hadn't moved. We didn't see them but the thought lifted my day... strange how something in nature can help you feel better.
After having a few near normal days I think having the pain back so badly makes it feel worse, I just can't win with myself. I also read something the other day, morphine does something funny with your liver which in turn produces more bile, so maybe that is what causes my rotten stomach feeling in the morning. Some mornings (not many) I don't feel as bad, so maybe my morphine requirement fluctuates quite a bit, who knows but then how can you monitor whether you need 10 ml less or 10 ml more on a day to day basis?
To add more disturbance to our daily lives, Lexi is back in season and these next few days are hormones alive, he is already giving it the hip movement to fresh air and she is pushing her bottom in his direction ..... a lot of sleepless nights ahead as she will no doubt sneak down stairs to be with him .. talk about teenagers, dogs are just as bad!
Hopefully the rain will stop shortly as I would like to have a wander back over the woods to see if the Deer has returned to our area.
I hope my body isn't turning the clock back to fast and this pain is going to become regular and bring about along those heart attack pains I went through from 07 until the heart sac (pericardium) was removed.
Still no further information either on whether Dr Abtin will have company from Harefield to watch the wonders of cryoablation on mesothelioma. I am still hoping they may invite him here. At least I know for sure that flying to LA won't do my lung any good.
Hope you are having a better day than me.