Meso - How?

We all wonder why we were struck down with this damn cancer, we hear of people making snowballs with the stuff, my father in law was one, and yet (fingers tightly crossed) they didn't breathe in that one atom that would change their old age (well you know what I mean) elder years then forever.

Today I am planning on working all day but I can't get this feeling of I can't be bothered out of my system!  I don't know what is happening to the work alcoholic person I was, is it the morphine, is the the cancer or is it getting on in years!  I truly hope its the latter and what I am feeling is pretty normal when you get older. 

Speaking of morphine I was taking my tablets the other morning when a friend was here and she told me I don't take enough fluid with them, just a sip and down they go.  She mentioned this could be what is causing my terrible stomach on a morning.  Maybe, so I have tried drinking more water with them on a night, ok its 3 sips but maybe its too late and the damage is done if it has been the meds eroding my insides.  I will monitor my progress with the volume taken.

I also stepped onto the scales last night and saw I have dropped 2 lbs, not a lot in the scheme of things but I really can't afford to lose weight.  I am now 9.7, probably about right but if the weight starts to drop and I end up like that twig stick I was last year I will be upset. 

On a brighter note hubby took a much better photo of the Deer on Sunday, it does annoy me that she stood still for so long, if we had been poachers she would be dead.  Why do people have to come and kill such beautiful graceful animals and nearly always for the fun of it.

Had better make a move, shower and work are both calling

Trick or Treat

Living out of a town in a small hamlet we miss out on the trick or treat which took over from "penny for Halloween" in my youth.  Every year we have always made our pumpkins and for once herewith is our effort to ward off the dark spirits that roam on the 31st of October.

Spooky

After the hard work of carving out the features on the pumpkins some of us needed a little nap and how could I not go and be cuddled by such a wonderful Bear.  

I hope everyone had an enjoyable time and the families that went trick or treating collected plenty of sweets.

Just five more minutes

Back in the real world  today was my scan and seems its a week of appointments as tomorrow its the flu jab and the dentist.  I suppose its better getting them all over and done with at once.  I would like to get my teeth veneered, considering at times I think I don't have that much longer left it is a waste of money but then why shouldn't we look our best, if you look ok sometimes it makes you feel alot better.  Would be different to go through pain for vanity rather than for cancer.

Time to go and dig out my chores for this evening, I need to do some work on the new housing site at Howden.  When we went to site yesterday I think the ensuite in the spare bedroom is too big taking space from the bedroom so I need to see if I can adjust it somehow.  One thing for sure is that each of the houses at Howden will certainly be different inside. 

Looking on the bright side in 4 months we will be looking forward to the arrival of spring, I know I shouldn't wish time away because it is here before we know it, but already the dark nights are soul destroying.

Where was I?

How time really has flown.  7 years ago around this time of the month I had just been discharged from James Cook after a 41/2 hour operation where Andrew Owens had removed 2 large tumours off my lung and 20-30 little ones around the rest of my lung.  Little did I know then that it was meso, I was just thankful they had found out why I was constantly ill.  I don't really remember much about those first few weeks as my lung kept filling up with fluid and before I was told the diagnosis on the 26th August I had been back in twice to clear the fluid. 

They say every 7 years our body changes, I wonder if mine will change now 7 years have passed and the meso does stop still.

We take whatever happens in our lives and just carry on, we learn to cope, somehow we deal with it, but what about our partners.  Since being married I bet we have spent more time for me recovering from surgery, in one form or another, than we have been on holiday together.

11 days before we were married my future hubby was told he had a terminal cancer and would be dead within the year.  The pain that went through my heart that day I will carry till the end of my own days. Obviously, they got the diagnosis wrong as he had had a severe case of food poisoning which had attacked his spleen, liver and kidneys and done some strange stuff to his blood.  The 48 hours we had to wait for the hospital to double check everything was nerve wracking, we had our wedding and the honeymoon just days in front.  I remember leaving him in the house waiting for a telephone call while I had to go to the dress shop for my fitting and my maid of honours fitting.  It was the only day we could go due to her shifts.  I will never forget how guilty I felt leaving him.  He still wanted to go through with the wedding and I promised to myself I would make his last year the best he could ever have.  I still remember the emotional pain I went through and never told him during those days how I felt. 

8 years later it was the other way around, but in this case the diagnosis wasn't wrong, that first year we looked at doing everything we always wanted to do, go back on a safari, try a cruise but I also wanted to carry on working for as long as possible.  As time goes on you forget how important doing those things are, have I let my partner down by not treating every year as our last? 

In life we do become complacent, then suddenly we are old and sitting in a chair wishing we had done x,y or z.  I saw this with my mother and I don't want to end that way.  How do I improve what we do, but then what is wrong with what we are doing.  We still enjoy each other's company, we enjoy walking the dogs together, sitting in the garden together, spending time doing the crossword in the Daily Express or the Sunday Times.  The little things are what make life more important.  Are we remembered and missed because of a holiday - no, its the everyday things we do, but on the other hand that makes loosing someone even harder. 

I should make our wedding anniversary a special day, for more reasons than most.  I asked hubby if he fancied going out for a nice meal or a day out somewhere, unfortunately he said the meal is out because I shouldn't eat anything heavy the night before the camera and as for a day off, my afternoon has been booked with a 2 hour appointment.  See normal life gets in the way of marking days as special.  Hubby tells me everyday is special with me in his life, which always makes me worry how will he cope when I'm not here.

On that note I think I will leave this here, as I don't want to think about when I'm not here either, hopefully it will be many a year yet before I have to face up to it.

Keep well my meso friends, remember everyday is special.  PS the new photo of Lexi is on her 10th birthday, hubby baked her a cake but I don't think she really understood what it was for apart from eating!

(Dog brigade don't worry - the cake was made from chicken not chocolate)

Jan

Weekend of Meso

I did it again, I overslept .. another morning spent with extra pain, why couldn't I just get up at 8 instead of 9.30, it's amazing how an extra 90 minutes can inflict more pain on those sensitive areas.

No word of my scan, although my GP has chased this up and the request is sitting in the hospital department waiting for a date.  At least I will get an appointment relatively soon, but then that leads to the next stage of what will I do.  Yes I have my plan, get my stomach/gut/gullet sorted and see what is causing so much aggro then if the chemo won't cause any more problems to it then I guess that's what I will do.  I still keep referring back to the Adam's trial, which I would like to do but under the criteria I don't think I would be allowed.

My vanity is also coming into focus at the moment, my hooded eyes could be the source of why my eyes want to close around 3 every day so I am going to enquire about having some of the surplus (loads of it) skin removed.  At least this is easy surgery and the benefit will be both visible and beneficial.  I honestly wish at times I could turn the clock back, but would I do anything different about the treatments .. the only one I would by pass would be the gall bladder.

Have started noting more changes in some of the pains, under my armpit is feeling different and my bottom rib seems to feel like its sticking to my stomach.  The iron bar box is expanding further around my chest and my heart area is heavier.  I feel slightly swollen under my ribs, I hope the bottom part of my lung isn't doing anything naughty and entertaining its mate meso!  I am also going to ask about a different nerve pain, I fear hubby is starting to have concerns over whether or not I could commit murder and him being the main victim.  I hate taking tablets to start with as your body wasn't meant to have additional stuff added to its make up, and lets face it the brain is a very unique and in some ways uncharted ground.  Giving mixed signals vi way of a pill doesn't necessary mean it will give the right signal for what it is intended to do.  I know I'm a whinging b*****d normally so add a tablet that makes you swing from bad to worse isn't a good idea.  These tablet inserts always bring a smile, you may become depressed, could bring on suicide etc ..  Not what you really want to read is it!

We have had the dogs out over the fields today, first time in quite a while for me.  It was great as the grass was higher than both Bear and Lexi, which meant neither of them wanted to wander far from us as we made the pathway through!  Because of Bear's neck as soon as I came in I blasted him to remove any pollen or small insects.  What a joy that is fighting with Bear to stop him putting the nozzle in his mouth.  I am sure the power of the thing would blow his insides out!

I hope that if I need to go on chemo the chemo does its job and maybe I could actually feel healthier.  After buying all those new jeans, none will fit as I have managed to gain weight - so a word of advice buy something that doesn't fit when you go shopping as you will either grow into it or down to it!

Have invested in a more powerful house designer program so had better get back to the who to do manual and start reading.  Only hope before I die I actually get to build some of the house designs I have created.

Another weekend with meso on the brain, variable weather and boredom rolled into one.