Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Asbestos Safe - What an Idiot

Yesterday some idiot who represents us stated that Asbestos is safe.  I've tried not to be political on this site, hence I started my other blog but didn't keep it up to date because so much of what goes on in our government drives me mad, I would end up writing everyday.

I received a notification yesterday from CNM Training Solutions which had this:

This amendment flies in the face of scientific evidence from the World Health Organisation, United Nations Environment Programme, the International Labour Organisation and the International Agency of Human Carcinogens says GMB
GMB condemned the attempt by Roger Helmer, UKIP MEP for East Midland, to amend the proposed motion in an EU Committee on improving safety measures on exposure to deadly asbestos fibres in the EU by inserting clauses claiming that white asbestos (chrysotile) is not dangerous. See notes to editors for details of the committee and the text of his amendment.
Craig Stuart, GMB Regional Health & Safety Officer for the Midlands & East Coast region, said“This amendment from Mr Helmer flies in the face of scientific evidence from the World Health Organisation, United Nations Environment Programme, the International Labour Organisation and the International Agency of Human Carcinogens. See Notes to editors.
Not content on moving parties when the prevailing wind suits him and being a climate change sceptic Mr Helmer is now denying scientific evidence that exposure to all forms of asbestos is dangerous and can be fatal to humans.
This is not in the interests of his constituents where family members exposed to white asbestos in the course of their work have suffered in agony and died from asbestos related diseases.
GMB will encourage members to contact Mr Helmer to make clear their own experience and views on this serious issue and ask him to drop this foolish and dangerous amendment”
Please lets get to work and tell these overpaid under representing of the people what it is like to have mesothelioma or any lung disorder caused by asbestos.
This isn't just my fight but yours also.

Monday, 29 October 2012

Last proper week at work for a while

I had a great Saturday, getting my hair cut then hubby and I spent all Saturday afternoon in the kitchen baking.  Hubby was inspired by the British Bake Off so we set about making Chicken, Bacon and Apricot pie, some banana flan and a pecan toffee steam pud.  They were all delicious by the way but still 5 hours for 3 dishes was bad organisation.  I thought hubby had read through the recipes, all I knew was the pastry needed to rest so lets make it first, not realising how much prep was required for the rest.  We got there in the end though.

The pie certainly didn't last too long and the pecan pie is nearly finished.  Two fatties on the sofa last night.  

Sunday though was a different story, I just couldn't be bothered, whether its the thought of Chemo starting this week or not I can't decide but instead of making me want to do all sorts just in case I found I wanted to sit on the sofa and watch some stupid fantasy movies to keep my mind off events that can and do happen.
I did go out with the dogs, but the wind was far to strong and I turned back, sitting int he car waiting for the dogs to have had their fun around the field.
I should have caught up with my friends but I didn't really want to talk to anyone, I knew I would get how are you feeling, when does chemo start etc and I want to keep that at the back of my mind.
Am sure I have lots of things organised at work, meetings I have agreed to but have clearly forgotten about, I should write them down, I do have a choice of computers, iphone and ipad yet I never remember!  I am so pleased someone found that article about chemo brain because I certainly do have it.
I was saying to hubby that if I hadn't had meso how healthy I would be, I don't ail anything apart from what the Meso has brought.  I would be running circles round him, probably driving him crazy because I would be always doing something, instead I am getting lazy.  I wish I could still decorate, the paint pot use to come out several times a year.  The rooms would be changed around quite often because I had the strength to push and pull furniture.  Men don't normally see things get boring and need a change and hubby is no exception here. 

I do think though that tension is starting to build up with the prospect of chemo looming.  Will I be alright next weekend, time seems to fly at the moment but when things go wrong time seems to slow right down.  I know one thing, if I can manage a few sips of water and my insides do feel like ww3 has broken out in there I will be taking a knock out pill and try to sleep through the worst of it.
My eldest brother rang to say Good News about the chemo, I was wondering what made it good news but I guess the fact that the onco has had a change of heart and is willing to give it is a bonus.  Oh well, lets see if the chemo nurse gets in touch this week before Thursday, to have our Chemo talk!
On that happy and cheery note I hope your week goes well.  There are so many of us right now going back through the chemo regime it makes me wonder how they can say this cancer isn't as well known, or is it that Doctors just don't get involved enough to realise how many cases there actually are of Mesothelioma.

Monday, 22 October 2012

Chemotherapy Starting again

Being back in a chemo lounge brings back those awful memories.  My Onco was great the moment I entered he said right we are going ahead then, I guess the decision is made.  We are starting at a very low dose of 50% of the recommended calculation for my body weight.  If my stomach holds then the next one will be higher, each one raising over the total of 4.  I don't know why only 4 but that is the only course this onco usually does.
Back in 04 chemotherapy wasn't on offer for mesothelioma, I remember in the October my chest specialist sending me to see an oncologist at James Cook in the hope that she could do something.  She told me there was nothing but if I could hold, on a drug that was being tested may just be released before the mesothelioma killed me.  As it turned out I was lucky and was offered a dose of Alimta on trial, at the end of December 04.  How many before me had been given nothing, its hard to contemplate that only 8 years ago that alimta wasn't even available.
So I had my B12 injection, I must admit it didn't really hurt as I had it in my bum, and start folic acid tomorrow, the diaries will come out of the cupboard so we can compare what happened and when, and hope the same doesn't this time round.
It seems that there are only a small handful of mesothelioma patients in my area, I find that hard to believe considering this was such an industrial area along with ship building just up the road.  As the lung nurse said today "we don't see enough of mesothelioma here to be able to understand it", I said this is where the patient leads the staff then.  I don't think it went down that well!
I was also told I can't use my elma cream on my veins, this is a first for me as every time before I have, my fear of the needles makes the whole experience much worse.  Before I would start having sweats just thinking about the needle 3 days beforehand, how will I cope this time.
Yes I know I sound like a coward, how could I get this far with meso and still be terrified of needles but the thought of the cannula going into my veins makes me feel physically sick.
Then the worry is what if it doesn't slow the meso down?  For some reason the meso has accelerated its growth pattern, yet I look much healthier at the moment than I have looked for some years... it doesn't make sense.  Look well - full of meso, look ill - meso grows slow!  My body certainly doesn't do what its supposed to do thats for sure.
So I start chemo on the 1st of November and Gloria, a friend in the states, goes in for surgery.  I hope for both our sakes all goes well.
I am pleased that Steve has picked up and hopefully his next chemo won't be so hard on him, having a chest infection certainly didn't help him on his first cycle.
I know that Gary will be ensuring the house is disinfected and I will be banned from going anywhere if there is a risk of germs.  Everyone at work is already suffering with one bug or another, this next week will be fun trying to dodge them but I need to get work sorted out before starting. 
To everyone on or starting I hope it goes well, to those in remission please stay there - I just wish I had a magic pill to take all our troubles away.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

Living for a day

On Friday morning I noticed the sun was coming through the fog, normally I only take a day off work if the weather is really bad and\ or I'm not well, but I then work from home.  I thought I never spend a good day with Hubby and today I am going to change my Life.
We took the dogs first over the fields and had a good walk around, Bear and Lexi sniffing every where, watched the Hare do a fast run, far to fast for our two, then made our way back to the car.  I said I don't want to just go home and spend the day in front of the computer, this machine seems to rule my life, mornings now facebook, work then come home to emails, blogs and facebook.  What happened to my life!
We dropped the dogs off, got changed and off we went, the sun was out the temp around 14 and no wind.  We headed to Seaton Carew and the Headlands at Hartlepool.  We had fish and chips, sitting in the car and watching the sea then out we went for a walk.  I never realised how much history was at the Headland at Hartlepool, apart from they hung a monkey thinking it was a spy!
It now has a monument explaining why they did it.  I realised we were near a friends house so using my terrible memory I tried to remember what no she lived in, rang her phone no one home! Oh well off we went for a walk to the old war bunkers.
I do wish my friend had been home, those fish and chips needed washing down with something!  After a brisk walk we headed back to the car and drove down to the end of Seaton, I have lived in this area all my life and never knew about this secluded area of beach
If we had the weather like Spain or even Devon this would be crowded, instead it is empty, although the steel plant is just to the left of me on the other side of the bay
In this little area it was so warm, between the sand dunes. Had I had a mat I think we would have spent a couple of hours sitting here, watching the sea and the boats going back and forth, oh well after a wonderful walk from one end to the other it was back to the car.  I loved the idea we had to cross a golf course to get here, obviously I was looking to make sure no one was taking a shot, if I still played I would probably knock a few walkers out as they cut across!

Please give me a treat
Getting home around 4 we had a lazy night, the computer didn't want to play, I had to download a new program for my architect work but it kept stopping and starting, as was facebook so I gave up.  Finally sitting in the living room.  But no rest, either Bear or Lexi are constantly wanting attention and how can one resist this

Is that the treat tin you're picking up?
Today I went into work for a couple of hours, thankfully hubby hadn't taken the mutts out so we both went for a walk.  I hope this is going to be a perfect weekend.  At least it has started better than last week, when I had morphine fall out!

Sunday tomorrow, wonder what the day will bring, a friend died this week from mesothelioma and again it is a reminder that we should live for today, I was shocked because he was doing so well and once again it proves meso just does not give warnings.

I asked a question on face book yesterday if Meso was being represented on Channel Four, Mavis came up with a good idea of tweeting the program to ask ... you know what the answer was before I even write it.

This cancer kills more than prostrate and breast yet it is a dirty word, why?  Politics and health should not go hand in hand, I doubt I will ever put anything in Cancer Research ever again and just support  Chris Knighton, at least I know the money is spent on Meso!

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Mesothelioma - a way of life

Funny how mesothelioma really does take over your life, without you even noticing that you are getting on doing whatever it is we do, meso is always there.  That twinge in the ribs, that little bit of breathlessness, the aching back.
I noticed today that half of our married life we have had to deal with mesothelioma, hubby picking up the pieces everytime I have had some sort of treatment, be it major surgery or a blast of radiotherapy.  What memories will he have when I die?  Those first years of marriage I had endo, and we learnt to live around the 2 weekly pain sessions, thinking we had finally got our lives to ourselves meso enters our life.  There has always been a third unwanted guest in our marriage.  Our time together has always been blighted with some form of him watching me and feeling helpless.
I am happy that he has taken up his hobby with the camera and getting out of the house, sometimes I did get annoyed when the house was left and he had sat watching tv all day but I realised the other month that I may be in pain but so too is he.  Mental pain and anxious is much harder to deal with and to get over.  Unfortunately, this anxiousness will never go, as we look towards the forth coming weeks how will we deal with it, treatments affects us both so differently, so getting him out as much as possible for the moment is important.
My family aren't really much of a support mechanism where emotions are concerned, both have the business to run, one with MS and all the problems it brings and the other heading for a major heart attack.  I have also realised that during previous treatments I would force myself to work because they were my brothers and work was busy,  but this time round I will rest more and worry less about what is happening.  Although I do treat work as a place to forget my meso, once absorbed in whatever I need to do my meso is forgotten, only little Ann or Claire ask and occasionally if I'm off colour Mal will say I look terrible, apart from that it is my escape.  Yet hubby doesn't have that escape, but when he is out with the camera and sitting waiting for the right photo his mind is anywhere but on meso and for that I am grateful.
Families need to get away from this cancer too, they may look strong around us but inside they too are crumbling, we don't see that as we are trying to be strong around them.  I do believe it is harder for the spouse than for the children, but still it is hard for all.
When I sit in the office at home he is always there with me, sometimes he annoys me with the tv but I too would prefer him with me than being somewhere else in the house.  Every minute together is precious and as time goes on I have realised that he is right, making special days will make it harder when the time comes to say our good byes. 
Out of no where today I was thinking about the end, probably after reading about David being poisoned by his treatment and his time on this earth is nearly at an end.  I was wondering whether chemo will be allowed if my platelets are low, as before it nearly killed me before the meso could.  I thought about how I could say goodbye and leave a letter without him being there.  I don't want him watching me struggle for breath like we saw my mam, I would rather end it myself and save him those awful last days but then could I have the strength mentally to do this?  It is strange the thoughts we have.
As I said at the beginning Meso never really leaves our thoughts, and this week Cancer seems to be mentioned on everything we watch or read.  I would love to go on holiday again just to get away from meso but it still follows, that third unwanted guest.
So many are back on treatments at the moment it makes me wonder how some of us have managed to survive so long and others seem to succumb to meso in a short time.  I only hope my goodbyes can wait for another few good years.
I will warn you now that once I start chemo, if I do the blog I will be truthful to how I feel, I can only hope this time it isn't like the previous times, but if it is the same beware you may think this is how it will be for you, you have to remember each treatment affects each person differently, our bodies are unique to us as is how our bodies deal with medication.
Guess I will have to wait till Monday to find out whether I am allowed to fill my body with poison, not sure my body thinks this is the way to go but my mind is telling me it is.
To all affected by mesothelioma I hope you're not having these thoughts.

Monday, 15 October 2012

Morphine Fall Out

I don't know how I could forget to take my morning morphine tablets but I must have just overlooked the fact.  I did get up late, which never helps, and then by the time I showered and decided not to go into work, it was Saturday, I was on a different thought band.  I must have gone into the tablet box, taken out one and forgot the rest!
The symptoms, very much like my adrenalin rushes, my body was hot and cold, one minute I wanted a blanket over me, the next I was throwing it off in anger.  I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with myself or put myself.  I was tired so I had a nap, waking up I felt much worse.  Bear came and laid in the lounge with me, even with the heating on at 20, poor boy was panting but wouldn't go out.  By 5 I couldn't stand my own company, my thoughts were not good, you know the ones "why put myself through chemo to feel crap, am I always going to feel like this, I'm only postponing the inevitable" those awful thoughts we go through. 

At one point I even got on the floor and cuddled up next to Bear, although he is much bigger than I, and yes I did nod off for a few moments!

I took a tamezapam and that knocked me out, at least for a while, I woke up to Merlin and watched a little tv.  The kitchen was cold so hubby got my evening tablets, another tam just to ensure I got back to sleep and off I went to bed.  Although all last week I have had night sweats, they were bad that night.

Sunday morning I woke up feeling fresh, went downstairs opened my tablet box and realised that I hadn't taken yesterdays morphine, so I had a morphine fall out, but I couldn't understand how I had taken my pregab and hormone.  At least the sun was shining and out we went with the dogs over the field.  I felt alive again, positivity flowed through my veins and I enjoyed the day.  Taking a few shots of the dogs and hubby marching out across the damp fields.
Then heyho I wake up this morning and feel crap again! I hate this cancer, no two days are the same.  My chest was tight and my legs feel heavy.  I worked till 2.30 and have come home, I have brought some work home to do but find I can't concentrate on it!

On a bright note my lung nurse has emailed with a date for the oncologist, next Monday.  I can only hope that the Alimta will work although I don't like the thought of the side effects.  Poor Steve (Doing Something Positive) is not having a pleasant time and ended up in hospital on day 6.  Just the thought of reliving what I went through in both 04 and 07 haunts me, and that's just the needle going in.  I know we are good at forgetting at how bad we felt, like my operation I can barely remember the pain of it all, but chemo is a different monster.  I can still remember those days when my stomach felt like it was a mush and even water touching my insides brought on great pain.  I guess I could say at least I am going into this one healthier than the last times, as I'm fit in other ways.

My heart, I nearly forgot, I have no further damage to it from what had already occurred in 09 after my heart failure episodes, he can't understand what happened the other week, I did see the small amount of fluid and the thickening on the pericardium but to be honest it isn't touching the heart as yet, as yet - that makes it sound ok doesn't it!  Nevertheless, he will keep an eye on the fluid.  I asked if he knew any good surgeons willing to cut out the cancer but I got a blank look, not sure whether a cardiologist is a surgeon so I could have put my foot in it there!  My heart is strong, although lopsided and damaged and of course cancer growing around it, always good to know it can still pump blood.  What an ugly organ inside, I had visions of aliens inside me when I watched the screen.

Enough of me for one day, although I wish I could find a way to ensure all hospital oncology departments could be satellite drug trial stations, its annoying that if you want to try a drug you have to travel all over the country.  We need to be able to get our hands on more chemotherapies, especially as alimta only works on 40%.  There's another thing too, we need to show that meso doesn't just affect the elderly it is a disease that is affecting more and more younger people, I think that drug companies and oncology departments aren't prepared to take that extra step because being old isn't worth their while, I know that's wrong, but that's what I think! 
I hope that those on treatments aren't suffering too badly and that Steve is getting back on his feet, I wonder how Helen is doing as well as several others.  One thing I have learnt, St Barts are willing to try a mixture called IPM, why isn't that countrywide either!
Poison is no fun but its better than dying, but I would still prefer to have some more cryoablation on a few of my larger growths.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

My wonderful husband

I don't know what happened but on coming home to the house finally warm again hubby was sat in the office looking quite pleased with himself.

On my desk lay a single piece of paper with the most beautiful poem on he had written.  Being a little more creative I have added it to a wedding photo.

I just didn't know what to say but it brough tears to my eyes, he is shy and would hate to think I published it but it is too beautiful to keep to myself.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

Conference Update

Having had a suspected severe angina attack on Tuesday that started around 7.30 and didn't ease off till 3am Wednesday morning, then still feeling ill till Thursday it was debatable whether we would make Saturday, but I just keep pushing myself that extra mile and besides I hate letting anyone down as I had to make a speech and leaving it so late would have caused Liz another headache.    So the four of us arrived in London around 1.30 and headed to the hotel, thankfully we made a fast train and the journey passed so quickly, much faster than flying and probably the same price.

Liz had promised to go and vote for a friend's picture in the ICA, so we headed to the Mall in search of the gallery and popped in, I must say I am pleased it was free as looking at some of the art work it beggars belief that some work is called art, and some of prices they expect is unbelievable! 

Honest I was shocked, I forgot to take a photo of the one we voted for but all I can say is it was to a higher standard than these, but then who am I to judge.  There were some strange things on show too, the best thing in the room was a statue made from bandages and plaster of paris, soldiers coming back wounded in the first world war.  Now to me that was art.
Hence we didn't spend long in the gallery and made our way to Trafalgar square.  Had something to eat and a walk around Convent Gardens.  We listened to an Opera Singer, who was really good, then made our way back to the hotel.  By then my kidney was aching badly and my heart quite a weight in my little chest.  The one good thing I do know is that my heart is strong so I truly believe the pain in their is the meso getting up to its old tricks.  But how long can your heart sustain such pain?
Getting back to hotel I just wanted to step into a red hot bath, oh no it was a walk in shower, so I climbed under the duvet and went to sleep for a couple of hours.  I had a terrible attack of the sweats and I must admit the bed was soaking, we had to leave the sheet back so it would dry for the night.  Feeling somewhat alive, barely, we went down to eat, it started to rain as we decided to have a walk along to St Pancreas and look at the new shopping arcade inside.  Then back to the hotel.  A quick drink (£30.00) for a round of drinks for 4, if hotels dropped their prices maybe more people would fill the place!  I disagree with the built in service charge, tips should be on service no expected.
Just as we were coming back inside the hotel, waiting to greet me was Debbie, she had spied us walking out from where they were hidden in the corner.  It was wonderful to see her, its been quite a few years.  Mind I honestly think she didn't do herself any favours making the way to the conference, she looked tired and you could tell she wasn't well.  I had emailed Mavis on the Thursday saying I wasn't sure about going and her reply was we are all ill who go, which is correct, but Debbie has really pushed herself to get there.  It is good but at the same time I do worry about her, if her health fails then there isn't another one to replace her fighting spirit in her area.
Considering the cost of the room, the bedrooms were nice and spacious, the beds soft and comfortable, the pillows rock hard.  Neither Gary or I slept very much, we couldn't get our heads comfortable, both had stiff necks the next morning and I had bad sweats again.  As we only had one bath towel each I couldn't dry myself off so I pushed him to near out of bed and we both slept on his side, me trying to find a dry spot.
Standing outside the next morning we didn't see many people enter and thought oh no not many have turned up, we didn't realise you could access the conference area via the main lobby!  It was lovely to meet up with people I knew via the Internet but to see Heather again made my day. 
Chris and Ann were there from MKMRF and it is great that Chris has got the Tissue bank up and running, lets hope that the Doctors around the UK will send tissue for the scientists and researchers to be able to get to finding a cure for this miserable cancer.  The tissue bank is something that should have been set up years ago, had it not been for Chris it still would not be so.  Hopefully too, her stand made much needed money to go to her charity which funds so many things for mesothelioma.  The June Hannock Fund also had a stand and they too donate a lot to Meso UK, these two charities do wonderful work and long may they continue.
Dr J Steele chaired the conference and told us of a two new trials, one surgery vs chemo and a new chemo mix of Pemetrexed and Cisplatin together with an agent Gantespib.  No one can pronounce it!  John Edwards was unable to attend so Liz stood in and talked about surgery and which hospitals carry it out.  Then a lovely Surgeon talked about surgery for Peritoneal Mesothelioma, only around 250 cases a year, a small figure in comparison with Pleura.  The only hospital to carry out surgery for this type is in Basingstoke.  They do a wash with chemo when the debulking has been carried out, apparently this can't be done in the chest because it can cause all types of problems.  Speaking to Graham who had surgery in 2002, he believes he had a chemo wash, maybe that is why he is still doing so well.
I met a young man and his wife, he is 44 and just diagnosed, his battle is now starting and is going for the surgery option.  It has come a long way and I hope he has better success than I.  Although I did warn him the first few moments of realising the pain and what you have put your body through is terrible.  Strange to meet someone at the same age I was just starting out on this terrible journey, it brought back sad memories.  I am sure I was the only one there that has had so many treatments, 2 cycles of Chemo, 3 surgeries, 3 rounds of radiation and 3 cryo procedures, most at the most have had 1 of each.
I took the stand and did my talk, reading my words I could feel myself getting breathless, Liz, bless, offered me some water, I told her I would just cough then lost my place.  I ended up looking to the back of the room and free speaking, I understand from those who listened that it went down well, I must admit I have never heard a room so quiet.  The words just flowed, but then I would be passionate about this cancer and what should be out there, I live and breath it everyday of my life.
The adrenalin had kept me going, as my wonderful hubby predicted it would, we left just as lunch started, I am starting to consider his feelings and instead of me pushing my boat as far as I can I am towing myself in so he doesn't have to pick up all the pieces from my body breakdown.  Hence, why I am worried about Debbie, their isn't a Mr B to pull her back in when she is wearing herself out.  I must admit though I really did want to stay till the end but that would have meant us coming home around 9pm.  I also had a phone call from home, Bear wasn't eating and his hips are now and truly doing the Elvis, Lexi is worn out from him constantly standing over her and Chris needed to run errands but didn't dare leave them alone.  So arriving home at 5 instead of 9 was the right thing to do.
I met Denise and her partner Sid too, what a lovely couple, again a tragic story, her chemo didn't work and is waiting to see what treatment she can try to curtail the growth of her mesothelioma.  I hate this cancer with a passion.
Needless to say I slept well last night, although Gary had to wake me up several times as I was having bad nightmares and the sweats.  When we got up I noticed the house was cold, guess what the heating has broken down again!  This new boiler seems to breakdown all the time, our old one hardly every stopped working, I wonder why did I have to change the house and put a new boiler in!  It is so maddening as it is cold.  Outside warmer than inside I went with him and the dogs over the field, it was lovely we sat under the oak tree for ten minutes but sadly we talked about meso and what the hell am I going to do.  Once I see the heart man and ensure it isn't my heart then instead of the trial I think I will need to go straight on chemo, my prayers hopefully will be answered and it will do what it says on the label, otherwise I am up s*** creek without a paddle.
I also asked J Steele why can't someone from abroad use a hospital and could Dr Abtin use his?  He told me to enquire at the London Clinic so on Monday that is a job I am entrusting to Gary.  If I could get somewhere for Dr Abtin to do his cryo-ablation then maybe he can treat a few of us at the same time.  I will let you know if I will be allowed to do this and if I can I will post a notice to see if anyone would be interested in using his services.  I am sure it won't be cheap but it can't be as expensive as travelling to the States.
The ironing board is calling, at least if I do it I will keep warm.  One last word, to Steve who starts Chemo again after 3 years of remission, I hope it goes well and he doesn't suffer to badly.  Just the thought of Chemo and my nerves start!
To my meso circle I wish you stable and remission, stay strong and hold you ground, we need to fight to get them to listen.  Also one other note, there are no written rules about oncologists treat us, only a few guidelines on what to do.  This may help you when your onco tells you it isn't allowed, ask by who?

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Mind or Matter

Yesterday I had hubby come into work to start learning some of the bits and pieces of my job, I have hoped he will eventually do it when I am gone, more so because it is a family business, even if it is large, and who else would I trust with inside knowledge.  Even being a sister it took years to be truly trusted with some of the things I get involved in, so you can understand how hard it is to pass some of the work on.
I was pulling heavy laden files from behind me, lifting them from one side of my workspace to another, straining to reach bits, sharing your desk space is quite hard.  I ended up working till 6 as well, although he had long gone, but I had lost valuable working time explaining just one job.  When I came home I already could feel the heaviness starting in my centre chest, I knew it was my heart, these pains have been back for quite a while but not like yesterday.  By the time dinner was over the pain was spreading to my shoulders and neck.  He went into the other room to watch the football and I went into the lounge, my head was starting to throb and moving was once again becoming difficult.
I laid on the sofa, wondering whether to ring an ambulance or not.  I knew the best place would have been a hospital (I was worried) but then I would just be left to do the same, lie down and worry.  At 9.30 hubby came through to see my prone figure on the sofa, blanket over and in pain.  He did what he knows best and brought some morphine through, I started with a 20 mm, knowing that too much causes a different type of headache.  I had looked up angina on the ipad and thought hum could be having this, I haven't had pain radiating out to my neck and shoulders like this, only the heavy throbbing pain in my heart.  The 20 didn't do much so I took so more, he helped me up the stairs, and got me into bed.
I awoke at 12.30, the pain was easing in my shoulders but the meso sweats were bad, I was drenched, problem was I couldn't get up, any movement made my heart hurt more.  I moved over towards his side (I thank God we bought a super King!) and went back to sleep.  I honestly didn't expect to wake up this morning but I have.  The pain in my chest as bad and still some in my shoulders, my head hurts.  I took my oxygen level its 96% although BP is 110 \ 78.  I don't know whether its from straining yesterday or from starting the Milk Thistle capsules or just the meso being ugly.  My 3rd boob is extremely tender too so that could be adding pressure - I hate this bloody cancer.
I have gone through the should I do chemo or trial so many times in my head, this morning I am thinking maybe try something I know that might work, but the verdict is still out on whether it will.  I don't think its the fluid causing the pain, its the weight of the meso hanging from my pericardium - that's what my body is telling me.  Funny we do get to know our bodies inside out.
Have managed to arrange an appointment with the Doc, not that he will be able to do much, but at least he can listen to my heart pump.  I really hate hospitals and will do anything not to have to go in one.  Not even sure if a hospital could even help!
I feel better for getting this out, hopefully the pains will start to ease as the day wears on.