Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Mind or Matter

Yesterday I had hubby come into work to start learning some of the bits and pieces of my job, I have hoped he will eventually do it when I am gone, more so because it is a family business, even if it is large, and who else would I trust with inside knowledge.  Even being a sister it took years to be truly trusted with some of the things I get involved in, so you can understand how hard it is to pass some of the work on.
I was pulling heavy laden files from behind me, lifting them from one side of my workspace to another, straining to reach bits, sharing your desk space is quite hard.  I ended up working till 6 as well, although he had long gone, but I had lost valuable working time explaining just one job.  When I came home I already could feel the heaviness starting in my centre chest, I knew it was my heart, these pains have been back for quite a while but not like yesterday.  By the time dinner was over the pain was spreading to my shoulders and neck.  He went into the other room to watch the football and I went into the lounge, my head was starting to throb and moving was once again becoming difficult.
I laid on the sofa, wondering whether to ring an ambulance or not.  I knew the best place would have been a hospital (I was worried) but then I would just be left to do the same, lie down and worry.  At 9.30 hubby came through to see my prone figure on the sofa, blanket over and in pain.  He did what he knows best and brought some morphine through, I started with a 20 mm, knowing that too much causes a different type of headache.  I had looked up angina on the ipad and thought hum could be having this, I haven't had pain radiating out to my neck and shoulders like this, only the heavy throbbing pain in my heart.  The 20 didn't do much so I took so more, he helped me up the stairs, and got me into bed.
I awoke at 12.30, the pain was easing in my shoulders but the meso sweats were bad, I was drenched, problem was I couldn't get up, any movement made my heart hurt more.  I moved over towards his side (I thank God we bought a super King!) and went back to sleep.  I honestly didn't expect to wake up this morning but I have.  The pain in my chest as bad and still some in my shoulders, my head hurts.  I took my oxygen level its 96% although BP is 110 \ 78.  I don't know whether its from straining yesterday or from starting the Milk Thistle capsules or just the meso being ugly.  My 3rd boob is extremely tender too so that could be adding pressure - I hate this bloody cancer.
I have gone through the should I do chemo or trial so many times in my head, this morning I am thinking maybe try something I know that might work, but the verdict is still out on whether it will.  I don't think its the fluid causing the pain, its the weight of the meso hanging from my pericardium - that's what my body is telling me.  Funny we do get to know our bodies inside out.
Have managed to arrange an appointment with the Doc, not that he will be able to do much, but at least he can listen to my heart pump.  I really hate hospitals and will do anything not to have to go in one.  Not even sure if a hospital could even help!
I feel better for getting this out, hopefully the pains will start to ease as the day wears on.


Anonymous said...

Hi Jan --you are amongst a group of Super Warriors, fighting this terrible disease---you are all to be admired for your courage & the help you offer others. I think you amaze Doctors with the amount of knowledge you have & are probably helping them gain an insight --more than they can help you. Maybe you have just had a day when you have overdone things a bit & fingers crossed you feel so much better today. I agree 100% that Research Funding is a disgraceful pittance. I recently downloaded the figures quoted for Australia Medical Research Council Funding between 2000-2011 $15.4Million including $5Million from James Hardie (so if inclusive =$1.4Million per year. Cost of bringing a Drug to Market by Pharmeceutical Co. is around $500 Million. At least with Meso. being an Orphan status- Trials are incorporated & there is always hope something outstanding comes along. It would be interesting to know the figures given for Research by Governments in other Countries.??? With more Funding comes the hope of truly doing something to help all the innocent victims.

Jan said...

Choices are important and without different drugs our choices are limited than any other cancer. We are so far behind with research. The other problem is that meso is manmade, its not a defective cell its a cell that's been infected by an alien matter.