Feeling Better

My Macmillan nurse called in yesterday to discuss how I was feeling and also to tell me who would be replacing my Pain management Doctor. It's strange but I feel quite the fraud as I am (fingers crossed) cancer free.

The upside is an experiment, so last night took my temazepam as my body hurt, woke up at 7.00 and took 40 mil morphine then went back to sleep for 30 minutes. I got up with no body pain but a ponding headache and feeling sick. I think tonight I will miss out the temazepam and just try morphine. If this works then maybe I will start getting some pain free life back.

On Monday I need to have another CT Scan so that I can start Radiotherapy on Wednesday. I thought the whole idea of the one in August was for that, so hope nothing is wrong. Maybe I should take that last paragraph out as I will be back in pain for a few weeks no doubt. Hope I don't get over cooked. I honestly believe this is the right thing to have done. As my lung was totally covered with this cancer and it didn't come up any drain sites before it proves to me it must work.

Have decided to put myself on the sick this week, I don't want to go into the office and pick up all the bugs still going around as I want to make sure I am in the best possible health as I can be. I know you don't need to worry about the white blood count but it would be my luck that I would get something else and then its back to "is it the radiotherapy or is it a bug" routine. Have also cancelled pilates just in case that was helping cause so much more pain.

Our little Lexi has had an operation to remove a tumour from her eye. It started as a small wart and suddenly ballooned into a large cyst. Problem is Vet called it a tumour and hubby has panicked something terrible today. It's strange watching her not knowing whether she is coming or going and hubby being over protective of her. She can't bear that buster on her head, so have wrapped her paws up in the hope she doesn't scratch. There was another one forming on her other eye so he removed that one too. Poor thing has two shaven eyes. .. no photo shoot for a while!

We have also put our names down on a waiting list for a newfoundland puppy. The Breeders let us go along and meet the family, so to speak. What beautiful dogs they are. If I had been a couple of days earlier in contacting them we could have had a 10 week old puppy but a couple called on off chance last Friday and hey they were lucky.

I think we must be mad as we are never without dog hairs on our clothes now, it is going to get much worse!

See you after the 1st of the radiotherapy, unless I hear of any news.

Still withdrawing

Its 5 days since the withdrawal symptoms started, (do I sound like BB?).

This morning I wished I could have got through to the NHS Direct as I still felt terrible. For a couple of nights I have taken a sleeping pill to help not hear the explosions taking place inside my head so I thought I'd try a night without to see if I would feel better this morning. So I ended up with sleep deprivation too! I would nod off and it felt like hours then wake up look at the clock and it was only 3 minutes since I closed my eyes. This happened from 11.10 last night till 7.00 this morning. Maximum sleep period was 33 minutes and what woke me was the dog opposite barking like mad at 3.48 am!

My nephew rang me from his hols, as his Dad told him I'd been out of the office since Monday (yes I had to take time off work I feel that ill). I'm pleased he rang as he received an A star for Physics, somehow he managed to sit an O level from Cambridge University. So obviously I am as proud as punch. Anyway I said I felt I could now understand how someone trying to kick a drug habit felt his answer was amazing it went:

"Auntie Jan, people go to rehab for 6 months when they stop taking drugs, you think you can stop taking tablets overnight!"

I said "But they are just pain killers", he replied "Yes that play with the old grey cells in your head!"

He's such a caring lad, to see him at 6' and not yet 17 he is amazing. I am trying to get him to sort me a web site out as I think it would be easier for posting different information. I taught him basic computers when he was 7 now the teacher will become the student as he will need to show me web pages and how to write them!

So back to this withdrawal, I go up and down like a yoyo. My temperature is anywhere from 35.1 to 37.1 (36.5 is normal for me). This morning I just wanted to feel sorry for myself but hubby gave me no sympathy at all, there's nothing he can do and it's not like acute pain. Yesterday was the same. I find about 12.00 I can sleep for an hour but my bones ache. Then I feel hungry, then I feel sick. Even worse my coffee on a morning makes my stomach turn and I can't abide Tea first thing. Have tried to drink lots of fluid but I'm not much of a juice drinker, like everyone a glass of cranberry during the night and that's about it.

Once I've eaten (quite difficult when you feel sick at the same time) I feel slightly better but it doesn't last long. Also having problems concentrating.

I went on a website regarding withdrawal from the tablet and found a whole load of info, part of me thought about taking a tablet again to see if it would help then try one every other day for a month but whats the point I'd be unlucky enough to still suffer the same extent. Also I did have a bit of a panic as it said it can cause heart failure. As I have already had that this year I was even more worried but I have been checking my BP and pulse, although its everywhere its nothing like when I did have heart failure so I think I am safe there.

Spoke to my other brother today, he suffers from MS, and has to take similar tablets for nerve damage. Neither of us have been able to stomach the same kind of tablets, when he swapped one to another he went through this for 2 weeks. I couldn't remember him being off work though. I always feel a whimp around him because MS has taken so much from him yet he too is still at work 6 days a week. So you can imagine when I feel crap and go down the corridor and say 'I'm going home' he looks at me as if to say what for you'll get over it!

So still suffering with no end in sight. I won't keep boring you with the details but you will know when this episode is over, you'll hear me yelling from the roof top!

I just hope they don't call me in next week for the radiotherapy, I would have to cancel.