Sunday, 14 August 2011

Where was I?

How time really has flown.  7 years ago around this time of the month I had just been discharged from James Cook after a 41/2 hour operation where Andrew Owens had removed 2 large tumours off my lung and 20-30 little ones around the rest of my lung.  Little did I know then that it was meso, I was just thankful they had found out why I was constantly ill.  I don't really remember much about those first few weeks as my lung kept filling up with fluid and before I was told the diagnosis on the 26th August I had been back in twice to clear the fluid. 

They say every 7 years our body changes, I wonder if mine will change now 7 years have passed and the meso does stop still.

We take whatever happens in our lives and just carry on, we learn to cope, somehow we deal with it, but what about our partners.  Since being married I bet we have spent more time for me recovering from surgery, in one form or another, than we have been on holiday together.

11 days before we were married my future hubby was told he had a terminal cancer and would be dead within the year.  The pain that went through my heart that day I will carry till the end of my own days. Obviously, they got the diagnosis wrong as he had had a severe case of food poisoning which had attacked his spleen, liver and kidneys and done some strange stuff to his blood.  The 48 hours we had to wait for the hospital to double check everything was nerve wracking, we had our wedding and the honeymoon just days in front.  I remember leaving him in the house waiting for a telephone call while I had to go to the dress shop for my fitting and my maid of honours fitting.  It was the only day we could go due to her shifts.  I will never forget how guilty I felt leaving him.  He still wanted to go through with the wedding and I promised to myself I would make his last year the best he could ever have.  I still remember the emotional pain I went through and never told him during those days how I felt. 

8 years later it was the other way around, but in this case the diagnosis wasn't wrong, that first year we looked at doing everything we always wanted to do, go back on a safari, try a cruise but I also wanted to carry on working for as long as possible.  As time goes on you forget how important doing those things are, have I let my partner down by not treating every year as our last? 

In life we do become complacent, then suddenly we are old and sitting in a chair wishing we had done x,y or z.  I saw this with my mother and I don't want to end that way.  How do I improve what we do, but then what is wrong with what we are doing.  We still enjoy each other's company, we enjoy walking the dogs together, sitting in the garden together, spending time doing the crossword in the Daily Express or the Sunday Times.  The little things are what make life more important.  Are we remembered and missed because of a holiday - no, its the everyday things we do, but on the other hand that makes loosing someone even harder. 

I should make our wedding anniversary a special day, for more reasons than most.  I asked hubby if he fancied going out for a nice meal or a day out somewhere, unfortunately he said the meal is out because I shouldn't eat anything heavy the night before the camera and as for a day off, my afternoon has been booked with a 2 hour appointment.  See normal life gets in the way of marking days as special.  Hubby tells me everyday is special with me in his life, which always makes me worry how will he cope when I'm not here.

On that note I think I will leave this here, as I don't want to think about when I'm not here either, hopefully it will be many a year yet before I have to face up to it.

Keep well my meso friends, remember everyday is special.  PS the new photo of Lexi is on her 10th birthday, hubby baked her a cake but I don't think she really understood what it was for apart from eating!

(Dog brigade don't worry - the cake was made from chicken not chocolate)


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