Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Meso Seeding?

I don't know why I was quite up about this lump, over the last couple of days it has felt worse and the antibotics are killing me.  I took yesterday off work as I just felt crap, my insides feel like they are being eaten away and the lump feels sore. 

I emailed a friend and took the advice of seeing my oncologist.  After having a discussion on the telephone he doesn't think its the lymph node but more like seeding from when I had cryo.  Around my walnut lump the soft tissue is extremely tender - I tend not to have a feel around.  My aim is hopefully it can be removed but maybe I will need radiotherapy to a) treat it all or b) after having it removed.

On Sunday I actually broke down in tears in the shower, something I hardly ever done, but I am scared and I am worn out from things going wrong.  How many battles do we have to keep fighting.  What with excessive bile that makes mornings rotten, my burning that has continually got worse and now to find that my last attempt at vapourising these tumours may have led to seeding in my left chest area.  I hope it isn't seeding but what else can it be.  My doc has reduced the strength of the antibotics down to 250 instead of 500's, and that has made a difference to how I feel overall, but it isn't helping the lump.

I read somewhere today that seeding is extremely painful, my lump and area is painful - so it isn't leaving much to my imagination is it.

After all these years I really feel that I am on the downhill battle, I know positive thinking brings positive outcome but I don't feel positive.  My world feels like it has turned upside down and I can't stop it.  Hubby doesn't understand how I feel.  In bed the other night he said how are you, I responded not very well, he goes why? Why does he think why?   We don't really discuss the meso, He is all there for support through doctors appointments etc but he doesn't really want to know how I feel, what pain I am in.  He once said he lives with it everyday so why talk about it.  Sometimes not talking about it makes the whole situation worse, not just for me but for him to.  How can he release pent up emotion if he doesn't discuss it?  Wives to husbands that have it are much more supportive than Husbands to wives that have it.  From all the reading and research I have done it seems that the wife does it all, in my case I have done it all.  He thinks giving me a hug makes everything alright, well he is really going to have to wake up to the fact now isn't he.

When I had the operation I asked him if he would gently touch over the scar to help mend the nerves, that never happened.  I have asked him various times to check my scar for lumps - because I can't see but sometimes feel them - he doesn't.  Because I have got on with things I think he thinks everything will be ok.  Right now I want to run away, do something different, not have to face meso. 

I want to go and sit in the sun somewhere, hubby was going to sort a long weekend out, still waiting for that too!  I don't mean to sound harsh or ungrateful because I'm not but just for once I need some support from him other than having a hug.  I know that men are different to us, they do bottle things up and never discuss them, or is it they have an ability just to ignore and brush things away!

My brother rang yesterday and called me a whimp because I didn't go into work, maybe I am in comparison with him.  I don't know how he copes with his ms and bowel problems and then this chest problem (still no word of what it is - 8 weeks since his scan), but I doubt anyone I work with would have gone into work yesterday feeling like I did. 

Better get moving, I am going in today. .. hopefully will feel better emotionally later.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

Hi Jan,

don't think you are a wimp by any definition. Hope you and your husband find a way that helps you, my partner finds it easier not to talk, when he does i try to listen , as you say we are all different, although i think we are all scared at times of just how big this all is, so deal with it as best we can
Thinking of you