Sunday, 13 May 2012

Meso to the sun

I have been so looking forward to getting away, the sun on my bones, the stress from work lifted from my shoulders yet all week I have felt off.  I haven't had the energy to even sort my clothes out and yesterday I asked hubby to go through my stuff and pull out things for me to pack.  I must be crazy but honestly I just couldn't pull the energy together.  I finally got around to packing about 4 this afternoon, with his choices, and that took longer than usual.

I know I am a little under the weather, my temp is in meso land coming in at 35.5, it has been as low as 34.5 in the past and I was once told this couldn't happen, well whoever said that should be ashamed of themselves because with me it happened regularly!  But at least it is only down to 35.5 but I don't feel well.

Now that I am seriously considering chemo the nightmares of what I went through not only in 2007 but as far back as 2004 are coming to haunt me.  The terrible pains as my stomach had to tolerate even a drop of water in it, the feeling of being half dead, then the slow recovery of my water works, appetite and energy.  It is frightening to think about it and the more I have set my mind on that date the more my body feels ill!

My 3rd boob has been extra painful and heavy this week to and I seem to be forever holding it up with my hand (subconsciously) as I walk around... Odd looks - You bet! 

I am hoping I am just worn out and as hubby said last night as I was falling asleep, if I feel no better after some sunshine then things aren't well so lets hold back the thoughts until a weeks time.  Easier said than done when you don't feel good.

Seems Mavie's and I both have had bad times on chemo yet so many people out there don't and that's what I have to remind myself when writing, don't scare off those that are facing it but then you need also to remind people that what they may go through is normal - what a going on.

The wind has spoilt the weekend and I was so looking forward to taking the dogs with hubby, I am sure Bear is drifting away from me, as all I seem to do recently is groom him and have no funtime with him.  I will miss the mutts but at least we know they are home in their own environment rather than in kennels.

I really want to thank those who email me and become my friends, for the support that you give me, you keep me strong in times when I am weak and remind me that I have to go forward and battle on.  I feel lucky in some ways that I have managed to live this long with such an ugly cancer but very unlucky to be struck down by it.  I have met some marvellous and courageous people along this journey and I hope to meet many more, but to those I have become close too, on days like today you give me strength.

All I can hope is tomorrow is a brighter day and that I wake up feeling better, my temp normal and ready to relax and enjoy our holiday.  I hope that the weather here gets better and that anyone holidaying around the UK manages to find some sunshine.

I promise I will pick myself up and dust myself down, what round is this now with meso, 7 8 or 9?  I wish my remissions could have lasted longer, especially after surgery, but hey there's that saying "That's Life"

Will probably update next week if the hotel has wifi and my ipad lets me sign in!

1 comment:

amanda said...

enjoy the sunshine Jan, you've definitely earned it. Hope both you and Alan have a great time.
Wishing you both well