As we draw to the end of 2013 my superstition dies with it, for some awful reason I thought I would not make this Christmas, I am so pleased this year has come to its end.
Having spent yesterday pretty much out of it due to a different muscle relaxant I didn't do much but sit and think I had held conversations I'd never had. It was a busy day on the visitor front, the district nurse came and took my blood for the all important potassium level. It is running high, which can get dangerous, also to change my dressing. My Macmillan nurse arrived but to be honest I have no idea what I talked about.
Christine managed to find a nebuliser and picked up the prescription for it, then the oxygen people rang to say they were coming out. Although he arrived around 6.30 at night. I didn't feel like my lights came on until it was bedtime!
5 am, how I hate that time I knew I had to move, my body was hurting, if I could have rolled over and gone back to sleep that would have been ideal, but no, I also needed the loo. I managed to walk there and back but lying down was painful. I laid back in the pillows but laid rigid, I did manage to nod off here and there, poor Gary was shattered and I knew he needed these additional hours. At 9 I couldn't take it any longer and said I needed to get up.
The steel cage came down the left side giving no release at any time but I got down and onto the sofa. I have to be honest, I haven't showered today or even had a good wash. I was going to but I couldn't get comfy. Our Gp rang, the potassium is still high, although moved down .1 in the right direction.
Our GP called in, he has arranged for me to go into RAMAC on Thursday for my bloods and if necessary an infusion to bring the potassium down. He told me that once the chemo was out I would be back to my fighting self. I just need these two tumours shrinking as he believes the rest of the cancer is slow growing. I said I have never felt this weak, he gave me a hug and said I will get through. This lifted my spirits.
Liz had called over so Gary could walk the dogs and Chris came so he could have a nap to catch up. Liz left and Chris and I watched a movie. I have to admit my skinny bum is sore from sitting, but rest is all I have done. Concentration is poor as I have had to take morphine often to keep on top of the pain, I would love to fall asleep but know that wouldn't be a good idea as I need to be able to sleep on a night.
I know that some think it would be better to be drugged to get on top of this but then what is quality if I am out for the count. I have to get strength back then worry about which way forward later. My worry is waiting to see if they will go ahead with radiotherapy, it isn't written in stone. To think back in the first week of chemo I asked about this as bending had been taking my breath away more and more each day. Why do we always have to wait, which then subjects us more pain than we needed to suffer.
I must be one lucky patient to have a GP that does more than their new job description requires, wish I could put him forward for an OBE!
To you all out there I wish you all a better year, bringing love and peace to your hearts, health to your hearth, and all that would help make you and your family nearly whole. To my fellow fighters I pray we find something to keep us all stable, to our loved ones, the strength and courage to carry on and the understanding of how much we truly love them.
We may feel like giving up but when we see the love in your eyes it gives us the strength to forge on again.
Looking forward to seeing you in 2014.