Monday, 2 December 2013

Getting Frightened

I haven't been brutally honest with myself these last few weeks, hoping that each day as I feel worse its the chemo doing some magic rather than the meso.
I have to face facts though, I am draining my stomach every day, the quantity is not reducing, and yesterday not only did I do it morning but also night because I feel so constricted in my chest and yes I still got fluid out.
I am starting to find it difficult to breathe but it isn't just that, breathing is painful and it isn't a good feeling, each breath hurts because my chest feels 6 inches shorter than it did a couple of weeks back.  When I went to see Dr H for the chemo I was in a better health state than now.  Have I done the wrong thing here, will the vinerolbene be working or am I just taking a pill for the sake of it and the meso is just growing and growing.
My left side feels fine, its my right side that is the problem, it feels that I my right lung has gone and no longer wants to work.  Getting any breath is hard work.  It has been like this on a morning and night for a few weeks but each day is getting continually worse.
I fear my demise, how can it happen this way.  I was so healthy in the summer, walking and breathing, now each step takes it out of me.  What with swollen feet and I am sure I have some form of infection still in my chest, why else such a high WBC.
 I feel so low, my energy is zero and if I could get comfortable I think I would spend the day in bed.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

Dear Jan, so sorry to read your blog, there seems to be such a feeling of dread in our little community at the moment.

Someone once told me that true courage was going on even when you were frightened , so right now you are providing a source of courage for me as we wait to see if Ray's chemo is having any impact
Thinking of you both