Last Christmas when I was wrapping the tree decorations up I was sure that it would be the last time I ever touched these little balls of memories that Gary and Imhad collected together over our years together.
This feeling of doom followed me all year and the in September when my body hit rock bottom I was sure I would not be spending Christmas with the man I love, in the home we share.
To say Gary and my relationship has changed is an understatement, he has gone from husband to full time carer in a matter of weeks. Hard to believe that 6 weeks ago I would never dream I would need to be pushed around in a wheelchair, now the wheelchair is used in the house to ferry me from living room to toilet and back.
Today was the day of dread, the scan results from just before Christmas. I can see and feel the deterioration of my body, is it the chemo whacking me or the cancer taking hold. The belief is both, in order to see which is what chemo has been deferred for 2 weeks. Because I am having Vinerolbine twice in a 21 day cycle it is taking the stuffing out of me, on top of that I am draining away a lot of bodily fluids that should be used to feed me, instead they are protecting organs.
The left has remained stable, the only good piece of news, the growth of various other sites is slight, another good piece, would be better if said no growth, no size was mentioned. Under the sternum and by the bottom of the right rib these new patches aren't playing nice at all, more not reacting to the chemo. My oncologist is having a meeting on Wednesday and will review my scan with a radiologolist in the hope that they will be able to alleviate some of the pain in my centre chest. If I bend forward I cut all my oxygen off to my lungs and can't breath, nothing I can do stops the fear taking over.
This morning at 4 am I woke with a really dry mouth, I reached out and used one of those mouth swabs just to wet my mouth, big mistake. Movement set off that pain, I tried to lie down and go back to sleep without disturbing Gary but then being awake made me need a call of nature. I pushed the bedding back and tried to get up but the constriction was like a vice. I called Gary, he was up and by my side of the bed ina second. He helped me up but the feeling was awful, I hobbled to the loo and then we hobbled back. I tried to get back into bed and lie down but this was becoming Impossible, the pain was more acute and the breathing laboured, I could feel panic rising. I tried to get a puff of ventolin to open my airways but didn't have the capacity to breathe in the vapour, Gary held the oxygen mask near my face but it was too strong and overcame me. This probably lasted no more than 3 or 4 minutes but felt like a life time. Finally, with the breathing under control I knew I could never lie back down, my whole torso was tight and rigid.
We spent the rest of the night in the living room, me sitting upright on the sofa. I don't think it helps having this bile problem either, why did I do my gall bladder!
Nevertheless, it did work out well as we left the house in good time to go to hospital.
This season always reminds us the most of those we have lost, our parents, friends and other family members. They are never forgotten but so badly missed so among the rejoicing of still being here I also felt bad for those who have lost their soulmates, especially just before. Lisa and Gail were up there, both losing their soulmates so close to this time. Helen and Debbie, the family missing them for their first year. So many friends we have said goodbye too, the list goes on and on.
I fear this may now be my last Christmas, God willing it won't be, but I promise as I travel what could be the end of my journey I will always be honest to myself on this blog.
I am frightened, more so of the pains that come during the night than what I face during the day. I have to start working my way up this well wall and reach the top in reaonable health so I can still challenge this terrible cancer. I believe it's the chemo that is bringing about my weakness and I pray that over the next few weeks I can improve on my current situation and then restart treatment. Without treatment how do we control the symptoms.
My thoughts go out to those who are also fighting this, my prayers are with you all.
Lets see 2013 off and hope that 2014 brings us closure to that magic bullet that just might save our lives.