Each day is different

After the shock news of Friday and the news of the new patch crippling my sternum we stayed up late, the hope that I would sleep right through.  Unfortunately it didn't work, this dry mouth seems to set off the first problem.  Reaching over to dab my mouth with some dampness, it trickles down into maybe what is bile sitting at the back of my throat.

An unbelievable pain reached from my left rib right across to my right hip, I felt like I had been out of my body and dropped back in, but totally unaligned.  I had kept part way on my back and part on my left.  I keep remembering we should sleep good lung up but I never do this, never being able to keep on my right side since surgery.  I couldn't breath, nothing would move, my lungs were stuck solid.  Gary got me to stand, painful to say the least.  I had to get up, I could not go back to bed, I hobbled to the landing only to find I had nothing left, no air in my chest.  Gary went for the ventolin but I couldn't suck the mist in, sheer panic overtook, my heart speeded I just wanted to die at that very moment, in fact I thought I was dying at that very moment.  We tried oxgyen but it was overwhelming.  We were stood staring at each other, both of us not knowing what to do, somehow I got through it.  I managed to get downstairs but the sheer effort was terrible.  I got onto the sofa but the restriction was the worst I have ever suffered.  I tried draining, but only 360 came out, no change. Gary sent a text to our GP, then to help settle me I took a diazapam.  I can't remember drifting off but I woke some hours later, the morphine I had taken together with the muscle relaxer worked, my ribs had relaxed but boy was I whoozy.

My GP had rang and told Gary what we had done was right, the tablet was the only solution.  My mouth is also full of Thrush, Gary rang Christine who called at a chemist and brought some Daktarin up, hopefully this will take away the burning red tongue and cobweb feelings I have in my mouth.

It was 1 pm before I could even keep my eyes open properly but by then we had been up since silly hours.  Gary was dead on his feet, all adrenalin wiped from his body.  I managed to finally shower, although I sat on the stool in the shower.

Gary took the dogs for a quick jaunt then went to lie down in the black and white room, a couple of hours nap would do him good.  Christine then arrived at 4.30 to sit with me until he woke up, which by then I needed someone to help walk me to the loo, the call of nature was close.  At 6.00 he emerged still half asleep, looking dead and with a blazing headache.  I don't know how much longer he can carry on caring for me so vigilantly without whacking himself.

The fear of another day like today was looking at me in the face, there is no way I can keep getting through these episodes, they not only take my energy but scare me beyond any words I could write.  Is this the normal for what we are to face.  I have lived with pain for that long, but this is different.  I keep trying to see if others have posted comments about how they cope, but nothing is there.  I believe men just don't complain, but how do they hide this terrible way of life we are enduring?

I am scared, part of me just wants to die now so I don't have to suffer any more of the brutal pains this cancer puts on us, but then I have to hope that if the can stop or shrink this obstruction my life will improve 100%, but everything is done so slow here.  If I was in the States, say, I could have already had radiotherapy, instead I have to wait until after a meeting and then mess around for dates.  Not fast enough when the lying down is what brings this on.

I took additional morphine before bed as the centre pain started to ache along with my right back, thn a tamazepam to help being on sleep.  Bear woke us at .2 barking but we both got back to sleep.  4.30 or maybe a touch later I needed to dampen my dry mouth, movmnt, why do we move?  I was in pain plus nature decided to call.  I couldn't then lie down.  The bedroom was freezing to Gary but again I was hot, even though my feet are the colour of purples.  I told him to get into bed and I sat upright with my head resting on the headboard.  We held hands and talked.  Next thing I know Bear is running round the bedroom, it's 9 and we made a good nights sleep.  I don't feel like a twisted knot, some discomfort but overall near normal. Today I am going to try and exercise, get my legs moving etc.

I am still sat in pj's and told Gary to walk the dogs.  I hope, no I am willing today to be a good day and that sleeping better has helped us both.  If it wasn't for this one tumour my life would be better, I have to pray that radiotherapy is on the cards and will do its job.

If anyone is experiencing something similar to me, please let me know, I can't be the only one that has this much pain and problems with breathing, more importantly to me, how do they get through it?

I have compiled this again on the IPad so apologies for errors, it isn't the best tool on the market to do blogs with.

I thank many of you for the words of support received, I hope that what I do detail you will never experience but if you are unlucky to do so maybe these accounts of what I have been through may help you.