Sunday, 21 December 2008

Nothing New

I can't believe its less than a week to Christmas, nor can I believe I am still waiting for an appointment for this PET Scan. I may be able to get in at Sheffield Christmas Eve but that's quite a trip.

I still don't know which way to go, part of me hope's the Scan says its not possible but the other part of me hopes its the answer to my prays.

I know that Dr Abtin and Dr Edwards have been in contact and by Dr Abtin's email it sounds that he has pointed out favourable reasons for me to go through it. I emailed him back along the lines of "are you crazy pointing out all these favourable grounds for doing it!"

My Eldest brother told me I should switch off for a couple of weeks and enjoy the holidays, sometimes I don't think other people realise how hard it is not to think about having such a terrible cancer. I go to work to switch off but you can't do it for 24 hours a day.

You would laugh, after telling me not to think about what to do etc he then went on to ask how I felt and if I had an appointment for the Scan. Beggars belief he's pushing it back into the forefront of my mind!

The dogs have found their stash of Christmas presents and keeping sneaking down to the room to have a sniff. Our Tyke can open her presents (of course they get wrapped!) like a human, Lexi on the other hand hasn't a clue, but that gives Tyke more to get excited about when Lexi leaves hers unopened.

Had another session last night, although it was only mild. When they start you feel dread at the pain that is going to overwhelm you. Within 20 minutes the morphine had it under control, I am pleased to say that only 30ml did the trick, which shows some improvement.

I was talking to Ann at work the other morning and described meso like a boiled egg, the shell is the lining, the yellow the healthy lung and the white the meso growing round it, If you could peel the white off without any problems I would be on that operating table in a flash. Ann lost her brother to meso just after she started working with us, this was about a year before I was diagnosed, so you see I have inside information on what is to come towards the end and I really don't like it.

Nobody but the person going through it actually experiences the pain or the terror and yet we hide it from the ones we love. When I start a session my husband goes into overdrive, he wants to force morphine into me every 2 minutes, I keep telling him to hold off as it needs to take affect and thats about 15 minutes. But when he sees me in such agony I can understand his motives as he wants to stop the pain, I usually start at about 20mil in case it isn't going to go the full out session, caution in case I take too much for a little pain, he would have me start on 40mil. Last night I went 10, 2 minutes 10 then 5 minutes 10 and stopped at 30. The after affects of the session leave me tired and strung out. Typical as I wanted to watch Strictly Come Dancing Final! Instead I felt like I had been in with Mike Tyson doing 12 rounds of boxing. I should have known it was coming but the tell tale signs weren't as strong as normal. It was actually 3 days earlier than expected. I keep records of dates and these sessions are running at about 10 weeks, sometimes it changes pattern and I can only go 4 weeks between them, so still ATypcial Mesothelioma. Nobody has been able to explain them but I think the meso has a growth spasm and annoys either my heart of my diaphram.

Another Meso associate on the Germany chemo-emoblisation treatment flew out to Germany last Week, his first course hasn't reduced but encapsulated the cancer, not sure what that means but my fingers are crossed that it means it has stopped it growing and the next lot should see a reduction. He has a tumour that goes from the top of the lung over his collar bone and down the other side, if you say prays please include him in them.

That's it from news Jan's Journey, still alive and kicking. In case I don't write before the big day

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a very prosperous New Year

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