You just know things aren't going to go well, its an instinct inside your guts that pushes right through your body. After taking the steroids on Wednesday, another bad night of sweats and not sleeping, Thursday was chemo day. My temp wouldn't get over 35.7 but the chemo went ahead, even the nurse double checked it, and I told her it would be right, as it had hardly risen from that point for the last 3 weeks.
Having had difficulty getting the needle in, first the right arm with ten minutes of fiddling the thing to try and penetrate the vein we moved to the left arm. Agony in both from needles! The fluid started to drip. I was itchy throughout after the steroids went in, my back the worst. Then the carbo was started, I couldn't explain but I didn't feel well at all, then suddenly this awful feeling just below my heart and my lips were burning, my face was beetroot, my arms swelled, my stomach swelled and the pain got worse. Gary called the sister and before we knew it 3 nurses and 5 doctors were in the room. It was terrifying to say the least, my arms were increasing in size in front of my very eyes, I wanted to rip my bra off as I felt I was constricted, but there were people around. Oxygen mask was the first thing put on, bp was high, heart rate extremely high and oxy very low. Not a nice experience. My only thoughts were thank god I didn't push and have this at home, I would surely be dead by now.
We don't think of the chemo going in as a problem, only once it is in. I have learnt a valuable lesson, this stuff is extremely dangerous. My concern now is what of the future. Will they try with just Alimta or is this the end of my chemotherapy, and if so ... then what?
My insides today don't feel good, that stomach may not hold this time around, it came close last time. Today, and its only Day two, it feels irritated and getting a little angry when fluid goes down.
I didn't have any bone aches during the night of Thursday and can only hope that what happened on dose one has done the trick. I am afraid now especially if that is the end of the chemo, although in a dream last night I heard someone tell me I needed to go on a trial.
I was also naughty yesterday and dropped the steroids, just in case they had helped push the chemo into the allergic reaction.
It's getting through the next week that is important now, we all know how that goes, I am so angry at having this cancer, I am still only young, to young in my books to die from this. 52 is no age in today's world, I have to have faith that the drugs I have had will work and hopefully keep the meso at bay for a while longer.
The other worry of course is the build up of pain, the bigger the meso the worse the pain, I don't think my body could honestly take any more than it already deals with.
I want good news, so many warriors have died over the last few weeks, it makes me feel guilty for still being here after all these years but terrified that my number is coming. What a way to live, it isn't fair that we have been dealt this card, a card that isn't even our fault.