Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Cycle 3 Dose 2: Suffering

I had hoped things would have improved once the chemo was done, but heyho my name is Jan and nothing goes my way.  The chemo has done its damage to my stomach, thick orange and yellow liquid like the consistency of beaten eggs yolks came up, the pain something worse than anything I have known.  Nothing would stop the pain, I suffered all night and then finally I managed to throw up this stuff, it eased for a while until it started again.  I waited until Monday to phone the hospital, otherwise it would have been sitting in a bed in agony with them unable to do anything.  May as well spend 2 nights in ones own bed feeling ill than in a hospital one.   The damage is now done if I throw up I am now bringing up blood.
On Monday I also received an email back regarding my email for more space for the chemo lounge, it made it sound that I had a go at the nurses and of course they were going to be defencive.  So I wasn't surprised when I rang at 10 than it was 3 hours later when I got a call back and then it was from Bishop.  Thank God for Yvonne, she was understanding, I told her everything I have taken, and to be fair she said there really isn't anything more they could give.
Having been unable to get comfortable all weekend by yesterday afternoon I started to feel some relief and insisted hubby got out of the house and took the dogs with him.  He needed a break from me, his adrenalin has been pushing through his system since Thursday and it isn't good for him to be stuck with me all the time.  I was pleased when he did go out, he needs fresh air rather than being cooked up with me.
Thankfully we live on a hill, you wouldn't think it but its a steady climb to our little village, the road of course is badly flooded as farm fields lead onto it.  Our fields where the dogs run around are flooded which the dogs loved.
This is normally just a field, no lake in the middle
The small pond in the back of the wood is actually now a large pond which has formed a river running right through the trees.  Having been awake most of the last 3 nights I have listened to the storm and as usual thoughts aren't good in those black hours.
We have lost a number of mesothelioma friends over the last week and it is becoming too depressing, I know that I will never be able to have carboplatin again and I also feel that Alimta is out of the question too.  Bearing in mind I dropped Carbo in 07 and the Alimta still destroyed my internal organs. 
I fully understand that logic now of life is important.  Maybe I could risk another dose but at what cost, I have suffered from rotten insides for all these years, to the point of I was finally getting it a little better only to knock it back again.  Will my insides recover I don't know but I don't want to spend each morning back in this pain again. 
I have to hope and pray that the meso has taken a hammering and what growth is there has been knocked back giving me at least a couple of years.  After chatting yesterday I think I will also knock the scans on the head for a while too, whats the point I know my insides, why confirm the growth it only brings about the need to want to kill it but as I haven't got many options, sorry no options left, maybe its better not knowing.
I hope and pray that something will be found to stop the dividing of these unnatural cells soon and this will then put an end to the many deaths we have through mesothelioma.  Also I hope its in time to save me.  I am still quite young, a mere 52 and not ready to die.
On that note I guess I should try and get a shower, moving around hopefully gets the stuff moving through my gut.

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