Saturday, 1 December 2012

I know I said No but ..

If I hadn't had the reaction to the carbo and\or the Alimta and still received the anti histamines I think I would probably have had no side effects at all from the chemo.  I haven't had the really bad headaches, the kidneys aching, the double vision etc, maybe people who suffered like I did could try this as a help towards keeping the side effects down.
On Monday I told Gary that once over the stomach thing I would not reconsider chemo, even if  I am allowed just Alimta and to remind me of this statement because I know I will forget how bad things were and the fact that at times I thought I was going to die.
So On Thursday I feel like new, I think Ok it wasn't that bad, the lung nurse rang and said that carbo and any other platins would certainly be out of the question and she thinks Alimta will be too, in fact Chemo will be ruled out.  Thursday night I said "Maybe I should just try the Alimta, if allowed, to help fight the meso"  you can imagine what followed.  It's funny how we forget so fast what we have just gone through, what if it is both and I died, what if it did irreversible damage to my insides - where would my quality of life be?  What if I finally did have Renal failure.  He is right of course, I am just thinking of the mesothelioma and not the rest of what can and can't happen.
I am feeling pain like before, the aching under the armpit has returned, whereas after the chemo on 1st November these pains didn't come back, now they are here, my lowest rib is painful where the majority of the thickening resides, is it dying or growing?  My left breast is heavy and painful, is the seeding spreading? My back on the right is achy in three area's, its niggling and wearing me down. This cancer brings us to having to make so many decisions, and weighing up the pros and cons is so hard.  Now I am frightened that an half attempt at killing it could do the opposite and the bloody stuff has being ignited to grow faster. 
Your mind plays tricks on you, was it that bad really what I went through?  Maybe I am becoming a wimp and others suffer much worse (many with nausea) so why can't I just accept it.  I forget that my partner has witnessed me squirming around in agony for 4 days not knowing what to do, the worry of throwing up and bringing a lot of blood up doesn't help either.
Yet, for the first time ever, I went on Chemo when I was fit and healthy, I have even kept an appetite that after week one kicks in and I have eaten normally, a first for me.  The truth is I am scared, what if the oncologist says we can still try Alimta, even at 50% I know that I will want to go ahead and give it another shot, even though I promised I wouldn't do it.  I also know that I could be risking my life and upset my husband, he wants me to be alive for as long as possible but the risk of having a very poor quality of life isn't part of the deal and there are no guarantee's on this.  The stuff is very poisonous and until its in the system no one knows what will happen. 
I have no answers just so many questions running around in my head.  I am probably one of the only ones here in the UK who has gone through so many rounds with Mesothelioma, tried so many different approaches and to be honest have failed miserably because the damn cancer keeps coming back.
I received some beautiful flowers from the Meso Warriors, they made me smile and reminded me I am not on my own, that by each of us trying something or recording how we feel helps others who are travelling this same road. 
I am thankful that I have never suffered from sickness through chemo, I would have no idea what it is like but I know several who are suffering badly at the moment and I wish there was something I could do to relieve this.  Pretty much that magic wand to take away all our suffering.
All from up North, where ever you are I hope that meso truly is the last thing on your minds.

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