Sunday, 9 December 2012

Looking Back

Since the first dose of my chemo in November that rotten pain in my heart region disappeared, I knew instantly that the chemo was working, not only because of that but lots of new pains on the first night.  I mentioned the pain going for the first time to hubby a couple of days ago, telling him how great it was to be free of at least this one.  Last night it struck at 3 am,  waking me from a strange dream I also noticed how damp the covers were where they laid on that area.  At 5am I had to take morphine, I had catnapped between but the dream was the pain, my mind was trying to lock it up but it just would not go.  I would not be due for chemo until this Thursday, bearing in mind I have had 1 full lot and one lot of Alimta and half a dose of carbo I think my body is telling me that the chemo won't hold it back for long.
I could be totally wrong and singing off a totally different hymn sheet but back in 07 I started chemo, my kidney area was unbearable together with the heart pains.  I ended my Chemo in the Jan of 08 and by April the pains were back.  They were back a lot worse than before the chemo, so is my body telling me why struggle with the chemo if it isn't going to do anything. 

Our life just isn't our own, our thoughts are constantly battling not to include meso in them yet everything we do has a knock on effect with the meso.
I was speaking to Les, a meso friend, today.  She is a slight 5'4" and has dropped to 6st 1lb, she is trying desperately to gain weight.  Its strange with meso because nearly all of us have lost weight with it at sometime or another. 

Last October I remember how thin I was,  what made it worse was getting ready for a holiday and not being able to get the hairs from under my armpits.  That was a wake up call, I remember getting on the scales and being 8st 2, at 5'8" I was thin, I would probably have looked better if I had some toned muscles and a chest but I looked terrible.
At least now I have regained the weight and got myself a right fat belly, far too much sugar, but what do we do, stay too thin which isn't healthy or eat sugar which then doesn't help you in the battle to fighting cancer.

Tomorrow is the day I see the oncologist and discuss the path forward, if there is one.  I know my husband's feelings, he would prefer I don't do anymore chemo and I can understand his reasoning.  I felt the same 2 weeks ago but you forget what you go through, maybe that's why we can battle on.  Women give birth and they say the pain is terrible but they go and do it again.  That is one experience I wish I had had but it wasn't to be and no point moping over it.
Reading other's postings, Mesothelioma is still classed as a rare disease yet more and more are diagnosed with this killer cancer yet less and less seems to be happening in the way of finding cures.  I have been following a lady who believes there could be answers in alternative meds and I honestly believe that has to be true.  Within nature a cure is always there for something natural, look at nettles and dock leafs.  We have far less understanding of natures own cures than we do of chemical ones.  I don't want to take something that will keep destroying my good cells and makes recovery hard.  Already my brain cells are mush, my memory is so poor I can forget things in a few seconds.  It also raises the question of cost, more money can be made from something manufactured and patented than someone taking a drink from a plant.  Look at mistletoe, it seems to work for others yet when you ask an oncologist about it they say it doesn't.
I have to believe that the meso that resides in my body will now grow so slow and take at least another 2 years to start really doing any further damage.  I know things are changing because my 3rd boob hurts more, either its tagged onto another nerve or buried itself into some more muscle.  To be honest I would rather go under the knife again than take chemicals, but finding  surgeon who would be willing to take the risk to open that side up again is the problem.  I wonder if I lived in the States if it would be so difficult to find one, they don't seem that worried about re operating as we do here.
I haven't heard from Chris who is now on to the 2nd chemo of his first cycle, I do hope he didn't spend the entire time over a toilet since Tuesday.  You don't like to ring when someone is on treatment because I know I don't like having to chat to people when I'm in pain. 
A lady has had that operation where the nerves are cut in the back so she can get away from pain and using morphine.  I was just reading about it in Meso UK's quarterly and then a lady has done it.  I remember my pain Doctor from the hospice offering me it in May 09 but I was told by my surgeon if I had it and was still around in 2 years it would be a lot more painful as the nerves would grow back and misaligned.  I hope this isn't true but it would be interesting to hear what happens in 2 years with her pain.
Another lady I know who is 70 had surgery in October, she has the same pains I do, the iron cage around her ribs and constriction in her chest.  I for one, think she was very brave going through it but then again 70 isn't old and most are still fit and healthy, my mother in law still plays golf 3 to 4 times a week in all weathers and she's a couple of years older. 
Seems I'm rambling tonight so I will take my leave.  There are so many of us on treatments at the moment or awaiting news on scans just after treatment, this time of year always makes it harder. 
Which reminds me, I must start to get in the mood and buy some presents, we are going to have Christmas Day on our own for the first time since being together, I just hope it doesn't turn into Just Another Day.
Keep warm and out of the cold winds, don't forget those scarf's around your mouths!

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