Thursday, 14 January 2010

One year On

This time last year hubby was driving me down to Sheffield, neither of us taking about the future but concentrating on the road ahead.  In the shower this morning I was also thinking about my last holiday and the terrible heart attacks I use to have.  It's been a year and two months since my body saw any proper sun and that was November when Dr Abtin blasted the tumour in my upper chest.

I am feeling strange with myself, I am blaming the reduction in morphine as I am sure it is doing something, the sweats have been bad and I guess that's what reducing must do, after all you get them when you start on the stuff along with meso and the menopause!  My pains don't seem any worse but my chest does feel heavier.  Have dropped them again by another 40 a day but I have a feeling this may be a little too soon so may have to go back up by 20 only monitoring this will tell.

No one ever really gave an explanation to the heart attack kind of pain, it use to come on and I would go quiet for a few minutes, unintentionally, then this awful pain would start, sometimes I wasn't sure whether it would go full blown or not but as the months passed on it always did.  Hubby always seemed to know when it was happening, whether my colour drained or my eyes changed I have no idea but he would be there with the severdol and the next 60 minutes would be sheer hell.. All I can say is I think it was the fluid building up in the heart sac or a new growth was sprouting, but then that would make them sprout in a cycle and no one thinks they do!  At least I don't suffer from them anymore and that in itself is a blessing.

Colin has come through his first chemo really well, apart from feeling queasy he is doing okay, Peter is also fairing well considering but he has already gone off food.  It's strange how chemo can affect your body.

I also heard that 'H' is now in remission from her trips to Germany and long may that last, we are all striving for quality and quantity of life and getting the balance isn't always easy.

After all I am still no better on a morning but am exceedingly pleased to still be here, sometimes the quality is well under par but the mind is so powerful and positive, if I have a bad day I always hope that the next will be better. 

Immediate recovery from surgery is quite fast but its the stuff that takes forever, like the muscles and nerves, that drive you mad.  I know the first 6 weeks for me were torture, especially the drains and the weakness, but you are alive, then it's the slow recovery period and having to deal with the frustration of not being able to do what you use to, it's not always easy being positive but the way to look is always forward.

I need some sun but now we have the pup I don't want to kennel the dogs, Tyke's first encounter with kennels was when she was 10.  Lexi barks all the time when in them and I don't want Bear coming back from them like Lexi, a fully qualified barker!  Yet options are still slim on flying, Dr Abtin thinks I'll be okay and shouldn't have a problem, Andy thinks I may have a lot of pain and could cause damage and I haven't heard back from John.  I crave the sun and the warmth, I always woke up better when on holiday, especially in Dubai.

Sorry don't want to moan today, the snow fell again last night and Lexi had me up at 6, about 4.30 she came and slept at the top of the bed and I awoke with her head pushing into my back, then I started cat napping as she was moving her head here, there and everywhere, then she jumped off the bed and I heard her pitter patter down the hallway, so I jumped out of bed and found her peeing, yes peeing, in the spare room!  So I chased her down stairs, which meant waking Bear up so I threw them both out and proceeded to clean up the pee.  let them back in, put Bear back in his cage and climbed the stairs, freezing and hardly breathing!  He whimpered for a while but I must admit I warmed up and fell asleep.  I can't get over Lexi, never has she peed in the house since she was 9 weeks old!

I should be doing some work but I was ordered to stay away from the offices yesterday by big brother as everyone is down with stuff.  Why do they come in when they know all they do is spread the germs and round and round it goes.  I did do quite a bit on the link up yesterday, but with feeling out of sorts myself today all I want to do is lazy around .. which is becoming too much of a habit and I know I am starting to get lethargic, which in turn will do me no good whatsoever.  It's not right going from a work-aholic to feeling like this, maybe there is something in this S.A.D?

I'm still here and for me and my family and friends that's all that matters, surgery has been other's first choice, for me I had never contemplated it until meeting Dr Abtin, but I am pleased I did.

I missed healing yesterday too, I was so absorbed in a database I didn't see the clock spinning round, hubby was out and time just past me by.  That's 4 weeks since I've had any hands on, will have to get something sorted as am desperate for the hands on approach, although today my aromatherapy is due and hopefully that will ease some of the discomfort I am feeling.

Better get my act together and do some work, lets hope I don't wake up reliving tomorrow when with scalpel in hand John carefully removed my lining.  (Did I say carefully?  how many ribs broken and fractured!, but I guess he was careful around the lung and heart!)

Now I wish I had kept a video diary, that would surely spur me on to realising the depth of how lucky I am

No comments: