Wednesday, 15 September 2010

Feeling Strange

Have had 3 nights of the dreaded sweats, you know the ones you wake up soaking wet, the sheets feel like they have just been through the washer and you forgot to spin them.  This morning I got up for work came down for a coffee and found myself going back to bed and slept for another 2 hours.  The last 3 days I have been that cancer cold.  Lying in bed this morning I prayed everything is ok because I just couldn't be bothered to have to start all over again chasing treatments or flying off to get any done.  I know in a couple of days this will pass but sometimes you just wonder why and what for.

We go on holiday soon and really I'm not that bothered about it either, if it wasn't for the thought of some sun on my bones I would quite happily stay at home, but then we aren't going to get any nice weather for another 8 months are we.  Ever have that feeling its going to be a tough time ahead?

Hubby has that worried look in his eyes and that 'you're doing too much' tone in his voice, but I just wasn't made to lie around all day.  Have worked from home Monday and Tuesday on doing some interior design work for some houses the Company's built.  Once I get a new project I am like a dog with a bone and can't put it down but today that doesn't hold any interest and the feeling of why bother has eroded into it.  I have loads of work sitting on my desk in the office and again I just don't want to be there either. 

Haven't got a copy of my scan to send off either, which in a way is eating me up, I am hoping it is clear but without being told you do wonder.  I asked my GP to ring me if he ever received the report .. yes still waiting.

The cold windy weather looks set to stay for a while and that restricts me from taking the dogs over the field, one because I get cold so easily and can't warm my back up, and two because the wind makes it impossible for me to get my breath.  You find you become a prisoner in your home when the weather is like this. 

It's healing today so hopefully that will give me a lift and then Thursday aroma therapy and before we know it Monday will be around again.  I honestly think time goes by much faster now than ever before.

Thursday night we ended up calling 999 for my mother, as she had a pain in her back then into her heart.  It turns out she had a water infection, but when she was discharged they had left the canola in her arm, sent her out without her own medication (which she took in) and the new tablets for her infection. This wasn't discovered until bedtime and getting anything organised at 8.30 was a nightmare.  I went back through to the hospital but the tablets couldn't be found, a District nurse was organised to come and remove the needle, this didn't happen till 11 pm at night!  Problem was last Thursday night I was having those heart pains myself, I think it was no 5 since they started a few weeks ago.  I just wanted to crawl into bed with some morphine and take the pain away instead of running around.  When I was at the hospital waiting to speak to the staff nurse I nearly asked to be admitted myself to check them out! (I know I hate hospitals).

Enough of me feeling sorry for myself, is this a normal thing that everyone has or is it just us with cancer that goes through days like this?  I need to eat more but food doesn't do anything for me, apart from adding more discomfort...

... better go otherwise I'll end up making you feel as bad as me.

Hopefully my next blog will be happier.

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