Sunday, 24 July 2011

Another year down

It does feel good to still be here, especially at the tender age of 44 I didn't think I would see 45 let alone 46, now I've hit 51 and hopefully I will still be here planning my 55th, neigh 60th!.  To be honest I didn't even realise it was my birthday approaching like a rapid rate of knots until Wednesday and Shirley at Healing gave me a birthday card.  I am so absorbed in the housing that dates  just don't exist.

One thing I have certainly learnt for my 52nd year is that I am either wanting to battle or wanting to hide away from meso.  I spent the majority of my life working and fitting nothing else in, now that I should be fitting other stuff instead of work I just haven't the energy, or as I wrote to my meso mate, is it because it just isn't in my personality anyway. 

Today was wonderful, we actually got back over the fields, the grass has been chopped down so no fear of it annoying Bear's neck or Lexi's bum.  The dogs truly enjoyed the freedom of a few acres instead of the third they have to make do with at home.  Bear's nostral's never stopped, they seem to go into overdrive when he has a scent of something.  I had hoped we would have had some good sunbathing weather but then you can't have everything!

The other thing I have noticed is that everyone around me brings up meso more than I do, or appointments or the 'what treatment are you going to do next' question.  Cancer is a scarey word but everyday someone out there wants to remind you of it.  Then why do I write a blog about it then .. I started because I wanted to tell others about cryo, then somehow it became a journal of how I felt.  Good job I wasn't writing my blog when on chemo like Amanda is on theirs.  I remember Lorraine asking me to start my story and I found part of it, if I had been doing the blog I think I would have turned everyone off the thought of ever trying alimta. It was that bad even I didn't read past the first two paragraphs,  I am pleased I didn't use it on the website story either.

Funny I am already starting to wonder if our summer next year will be better, always the optimist, but its true.  Mal at work said something about 12 weeks time will be November and I thought where does the time go and what have I done with it.  Nothing is the answer, we are all guilty of the same so what is life about.  We get up, shower, dress, go to work\shop\visit, we cook, eat, watch TV then go to bed to do the exact same thing the next day, we call this living and hold onto it with all our might. 

I feel silly worrying about a couple of mm growing, but then I have been through so much to have a few mm growing back that I think I'm annoyed it dare come back.  All that chemo, cryo and surgery.  I know there are no guarantees but seriously I didn't think it would come back after surgery.  I had heard about it, hence why I didn't eventure there earlier, but maybe I could have waited a little longer.  Would I really have been pushing up daisies if I hadn't had it done when I did?  Would it be better to have surgery earlier before the meso really does make itself at home.  

What are our choices for treatments really, not a lot, 2 chemo's, surgery, ablation - but only on large tumours to relieve pain (and hopefully slow spreading down), Prof Vogl's chemo direct to the lung, or nothing.  If you don't agree with chemo will Prof V's work?  Not enough stats on any of the above.  See I'm back to thinking about treatments, why can't I just concentrate on the enjoyment of life and quality of time!  Spending my free time worrying over what to do is such a waste but I can't seem to get my brain into that way of thinking.  A good surgeon keeps telling me quality is much more important than quantity ... but what is quality .. going to work\shopping\visiting friends?

I remember the first year and we travelled, I seemed to have more enthusiasm to do things and spend time with people, now I just want to grow old with hubby and dogs, die in contemptment in old age from a heart attack not be robbed by meso.  Up until your 40's you don't really think of old age, your parents are starting to get there but in your eyes they are still the same.  When you loose them you suddenly seem to realise old age - the downfalls of getting old and even worse noticing you are getting there yourself.  Time to close otherwise you will be requesting your zimmer frame before you reach the end of this.

Keep enjoying life and everything that makes you happy - or at least try! 

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