Sunday, 14 April 2013

Lazy Bones

Once over I was a busy girl, never sitting still, always on the go.  What has brought this about you wonder, after all I have just written 2 books, but you see that's it, I am sitting on my bum all the time looking at a computer.  Which I don't class as work.
We have the decorators coming in tomorrow (something I would never have done years ago, as I did it all myself) and have I done much in preparation ... No.  I should have had the room emptied, all the skirting boards dusted, the curtains down and washed.  Instead I have left it thinking Gary would.  He told me he had sorted the bedroom, when I looked in everything was still there, he had taken down 2 pictures.  So I have pulled some furniture out, took the curtains down, although haven't washed them.  Thrown the bedding in the washer and I just hope the painters don't paint over the dust!
I am also upset because I pulled out the clothes I always use for holidays, you know the white trousers, the cut off's, the shorts.  Over the years I add to the collection if I see something nice.  Last year I had started to put the pounds back on but it didn't bother me if the waist was a little slack.  I have noticed how swollen my stomach has been for quite a few months now so I tried my favourites on.  They are all so tight, three pair of summer trousers don't fit at all, (one beautiful classy pair from last year) my regular cut off jeans I can't even zip.  The rest are well all I can say is I have 10 days to lose this belly. 
When I sit at the computer I have a packet of fruit gums by my keyboard, and then when I sit and watch my hour's TV I have another packet, or liquorice.  It's like hand to mouth habit.  My sugar intake has gone through the roof over the last 12 months but recently it has all landed on my stomach.  At first I thought it was good because I was starting to go from pin thin arms (8st 2) back to normal, (9st 7) but I guess I just don't exercise enough to ensure it doesn't sit in the one place after it managed to build the rest of me up, I climbed on the scales and am 9st 13, ok not that heavy but all around my stomach, that must weigh a stone on its own!
On top of that I drank a lot last night, not my normal but having felt so low recently and then the clothes thing I let my hair down and ended up with a hangover this morning.  The one that makes you want to lie on the sofa with a blanket over you.  To be totally honest, I have felt down recently and I can't understand why.  I know I have already told you this, but still why am I feeling this low?  I have everything going for me, well if you forget the mesothelioma and the hiatus hernia, but a wonderful husband, the dogs, good friends, work, writing, and inactive disease so why am I feeling this low?
I heard from Mr S today, he was diagnosed with me, although in his seventies now, he was only given 3 months to live last October.  I advised him to see J Steele who put him on the 3 chemos, he hasn't had shrinkage but the good news is the meso hasn't grown any further.  He has a large tumour hanging from his aorta and now a new mass on the chest wall.  I am thrilled that JS was able to help.  He is another who has no pain, not even from the original VAT he went through the same day as me.  I wonder if women's bodies respond differently to men's?
For all my hard work for healing I was also awarded the Anne English Healing Award, I can't understand how so many voted for me because I only go to one service a week.  I must admit I am thrilled but feel I don't deserve it.
The date for my next scan arrived, its in May.  Hubby has done a "Why Have a Scan" routine again, I told him that it's good to keep track of what the meso is doing.  It's because he doesn't want to know and thinks I should do as he says.  He doesn't see it from my point of view, if my friend has decided to grow then I need to know so I can plan what I will do when summer is over.  He seems to think if I know it's going to ruin our summer!  I said back, funny last year I knew how bad it was growing but I made a decision to have summer free of treatments.  I know this is hard on our partners but hey it's not there bodies that feel crap every day.  He gets a grump sometimes if I don't go with the dogs because I think it's too windy.  He is superman, with a fat belly and lots of fat everywhere else that keeps him warm, he doesn't mind a balaclava over his face, I can't bear anything over my face, maybe too many memories of oxygen masks for me.  He doesn't ache when having to walk through the muddy ruts or keep having to stop to catch his breath, blow his nose because over exertion makes it run constantly.  See told you I was having a bad time.  That's another thing, when we were courting he told me to shoot him if he ever had a big fat belly, I reminded him of it once and I got I am what I am back.  Never trust a man.  Why is they stop caring what they look like?  When I would ask him if I was always so thin he would say you are always beautiful in my eyes, what answer is that?  If I ask about my scar he says he doesn't notice it, I bet if I had a great big lump of meso growing out of it he would say the same.
Why is living so hard?  I should be jumping around, if this holiday doesn't bring me back up to happy Jan I think I will go mad.  In all the years I've been diagnosed I haven't felt this low, I can't talk to anyone so I am off loading on here.  We need a release and this is mine.  I hope if you are feeling the same you find a way of getting it off your chest and finding your way back up.  I could say a good cry may do me some good but I have nothing to cry about.  I hope my bloods come back and say I am run down, that could then be the reason I feel so low and have the energy of a slug.  Which reminds me I was brushing Bear and one dropped from his coat.  Yak!
Well that's me for the night, this miserable person is going to make a cup of tea, without sugar I hasten to add.

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