Saturday, 13 April 2013

No Breeze

Hubby has got himself excited, there is no breeze outside which means I will go for a walk with him and the mutts.  Problem is I can't, I'm waiting in for a young IT lad to come and see if he can fix my problems with uploading the edited book for Kindle! 
Typical a nice day out in the woods and I can't go.  As with all youngsters, you ask what time and they shrug their shoulders, time doesn't seem as important when you are young.  Anytime was the shrug or when I get there.
I started a new regime of treatment for my bile today, although I am waiting on taking the tablets that have also being prescribed, they are antibiotics and really I don't think I want to start long term on something as dangerous for a hiatus hernia.  The other is a powder you sprinkle on water or juice.  Problem is it's 4 times a day and you can't take tablets after it only 1 hour prior.  This means I will have to become better organised at taking my morphine on a morning and night.  I don't like taking meds unless I really have to.  Wish there was some form of exercise out there that could pull my stomach back out of the chest area!

Hubby took this yesterday of our daffs in the garden, a reminder that spring is really on its way.  For all our sakes let's hope it is around the corner.  I think everyone, not just us meso sufferers, needs to feel that sun on our bones.
In October 2011 I was shocked to see how thin I was, getting on the scales I was only 8st 2lb, it took a lot of eating to start keeping weight on, plus I believe the chemo killing my friend meso has helped.  I know I am getting fat as my belly looks like I am 6 months pregnant so last night I climbed on the scales, 9st 13.  A little too heavy now, although right for my height it is all around the middle.   The thought of me in a bikini sunbathing brought a sour taste to my mouth.  I have a week to try and lose half a stone as that all the new summer stuff I bought last year won't fit! I have pulled a few things out for hols and put them in the spare bedroom.  I looked at the trousers but haven't the energy to try them on to ensure they fit.  What am I like, useless I can here you scream at the screen
I have to be honest too, the last few weeks I have felt down, maybe down is too strong a word, but I just can't be bothered with anything.  The thought of packing makes me feel ill, I have a lot of work at work to do but can't get motivated, websites need updating but I just can't find the enthusiasm and then proof reading, my eyes get too tired.  I feel bored, maybe that would be a better word, yet I have so much going on I don't know how I can say the word.
Its that perpetual circle, get up, take 90 minutes to feel human, get showered, go to work, come home, eat, work on the computer, watch an hours tv go to bed.  I blame the weather but maybe it is me, maybe I am becoming lazy.  The doc thinks I may be anaemic, hopefully this is the case, as I don't like this person I am becoming.  Hopefully this holiday will lift me and I will find Jan underneath again.
Enough of my problems, we all have them, just I really don't know how we get through them sometimes.  Adding to everything else I have just been told I have been awarded The Anne English Healing Award from Darlington Spiritualist Church.  This is a lovely honour and one I can't understand being given to me.  Anne was a wonderful healer, having fought cancer herself several times she died of it a couple of years ago.  I think she would be pleased an award was created on her behalf but I know many more healers that I think should have received the honour.
Well I guess I had better decided on what to do, probably proof read until my little IT guy arrives.  I would rather write, I have so many stories racing round in side my head when I come out of the shower.  Not enough hours in the day or maybe I just manage them badly.

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