Thursday, 26 November 2009

Winter Blues

Strange this time last year I was thinking Christmas 08 was my last and yet here I still am, poor hubby more thoughts on what to buy for Christmas presents!.  So why is it that I have started a total hatred campaign for Christmas.  I tell myself maybe because I went through Chemo twice over the Christmas periods, or is it always wondering whether this one will be the last.  Whatever it is I really have gone off the festive season.  I went shopping with Lorraine today to get me in the spirit, it didn't help although I did pick up a couple of things.  Remember when shops use to only sell certain things and department stores were full of interest with wonderful ideas.  These days nearly all the shops are filled with clothes and more clothes, statues, nice home wares seem to have disappeared, the age of either electronic gadgets and clothes fill every shop and there is hardly any room for anything else.  M & S use to sell home things and had wonderful selections, our's has been overtaken by yes .. clothes and more clothes, nearly all womens and the quality now is a lot less than it was.

I just can't seem to pull myself from feeling low either, whether its the weather, as we all know that meso or the damage it does removing the stuff, leaves us weak and the wind is no no for going out in, then the cold gets into your bones and no matter what I wrap up in once my back gets cold I cannot heat it up.  I have sat in baths where my legs, feet, hands and stomach are burning yet my back is ice cold, so no a nice warm bath doesn't do the trick.

I keep telling myself I should be dancing around, after all I'm here alive and kicking but somehow those thoughts aren't lighting up my mindset and the more I try to get positive the more of a failure I am feeling!

We went up to Scotland to see the puppies on Wednesday, I would love to bring them both home but common sense stops me.  Bear will be quite enough to handle but the personality of the little girl was wonderful.  Bear just wanted to sleep but Belle was wanting to play, nudging your fingers and wanting to taste them.  They are both delightful, only a week and a couple of days before hell breaks loose in our house.  Trying to remember how long it took to toilet train Lexi is evading my memory but then all dogs are different, just as long as he doesn't cock his leg against the furniture I think it should go okay.

The pain was well under control till my trip to Stansted and since my ribs feel like the corset round them has been pulled tighter and weighted down with another few pounds of iron, for some reason my left shoulder hurts and my neck is still causing problems.  Waking up is the worst time, especially during the night pins and needles or numbness in arms, my heels hurt for no reason and of course my shoulder and ribs.  Feel like I'm dropping to bits. 

I have heard some good news, H from the meso circle has done extremely well under Prof Vogl and the remainder of her tumour after surgery has shrunk, this is looking like a full remission for her and I pray that at last she can relax and stay well.  K is still on the chemo, although having a rough time of it.  A is stable with no change as well as C and L.  Its good to hear that everyone is well and gives encouragement to so many others who are starting this journey.

I was talking with a friend yesterday, she had breast cancer five years ago, her recent check up was clear and the relief she felt was obvious.  Yet she told me that she still hurts from the surgery and the restructuring, and even now she has days where for no reason she feels down.  The worry of the cancer returning is always in the back of her mind.  She was saying she gets sick to death of people telling her to feel positive and that others have said well I could get knocked over by the No 7 bus.  We agree, after all we are all on the way to death from the moment we are born but unlike the majority we know that we have a death sentence and yes we could get knocked over by the No 7 bus, but that just happens you don't know about it in advance.  Knowing you have cancer and it can take you at anytime is a hard fact, the worry of what we have to go through before our body finally gives up is frightening, more so with mesothelioma.  We already suffer with a poorer quality of life, we take extra care when around crowds especially those with colds and chest infections. 

I keep wishing I could be normal but I don't know what normal is anymore.  What it would be like to wake up on a morning, pull the covers back and spring out of bed.  To wake up and be able to stretch without hurting would be my no 1 on a wish list .. so if there is any genie's out there please grant me this wish.

On that note better go and find something interesting to eat, I had aromatherapy this afternoon and I can feel my eyes getting tired, if I don't move soon I'll be like the nodding dog on the backshelf of an escort.

Hopefully will have some more good news on the meso circle, it's always good to publish something nice. 

Also pleased our Lexi has got over her tummy problem the steriods worked only problem is that she is hungry all the time and looking for food.  No more treats for her, just pure dog food and complete at that.  She always had a digestive at bedtime and sits in the Kitchen by the tin at 10pm waiting for one!  It's heartbreaking saying no!  Just wish her foot would clear up but she has licked the skin that much there is a patch of 1 inch square that is red raw.  The skin is never getting the chance to regrow.  I keep putting socks on her but she keeps loosing them, a bandage is a no no as it can get infected just hope when Bear arrives she will be that occupied she'll forget about licking her foot and lick him instead!

Movement from the kitchen so will sign off .. hubby is hungry

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