Thursday, 4 March 2010

Having a Moan!

Another week has nearly past us by and life seems to be the same day in and day out.  No matter how many times I tell myself to enjoy each day as a bonus I never do, I expect too much but never seem to accomplish anything.  The builder came back with a price to knock a wall down, erect a new internal and a dwarf wall 9' wide by 20' long, the price .. way way OTT, part of me is wondering why I really want to bother altering the house once again but then when I sit in my office and am freezing I want it done like yesterday.

It's like our holiday, before I flew to Dublin I had contacted the Ministry of Health in Dubai to see about travelling with morphine.  They emailed back the next day stating their requirements, legal Letter from hospital that is treating etc.  I forwarded this on to my lung nurse asking if she would organise with my MDT Leading Doc, this was January 26th.  I received an email on Monday saying that the Doc feels my GP should do this.  Since when was our Doctors surgery a Hospital!  So holiday is back on hold as the documents have to go to Dubai for authorisation before we can travel.  Why Dubai, well its so easy from Newcastle airport and I know the weather will be perfect.  We could do Barbados but travelling in a car to Manchester puts me off, I can't do more than an hour in the car without paying a price the next day. 

My ribs are still painful and last night my kidney kicked off again, although I was drop-dead tired when I climbed into bed getting comfortable was a big issue, not least that Lexi wanted a good third of the bed and laid in an awkward position too.  Then you wake up and your stomach feels knaff .. yet I want to be alive but I want to feel somewhat better.  The camera is a no no even though it could rule out somethings.  I am going to the docs tomorrow as the dizziness has come back and it is worse when I turn on my right side.  In Pilate's on Monday I thought the world was rolling when I moved to my right to do some exercises.  Not a pleasant experience, plus am dizzy in the shower again so have started with the anti sickness tablets to combat the dizziness caused by the stomach tablets - which aren't doing anything as yet!

I guess we are lucky because back in the 1940's they didn't have medication like this and although Doctors were worshipped they didn't have the knowledge or the tools to fix you, so thankfully we are in the 21st century but its not doing a lot for me today. 

The conflicting scan results haven't played around in my mind - so that's a good thing, but I have requested a scan again for March, wonder if that will happen or will I have to keep pushing for it again like last time.  These are the trivial things that really get on your nerves.  I know that everything can't be fixed but pressure could be alleviated if scans came through without you having to badger.  It's just another hassle you can do without.

Bear has been into work twice this week and well behaved on both accounts, apart from drinking antifreeze!  He loves all the attention he gets.  Lexi has eaten the last couple of days, we have resorted back to dog meat without biscuits, for breakfast and lunch and a chicken breast mixed with pasta or rice for tea.  It has vanished in seconds and she is looking for more.  If it is colitis then giving her the same food everyday can bring on another attack as her body will build up the proteins which in the end attach her insides.  If she was human I would say she would be smaller than a size zero for her height.  The vet said she is on the very lean side for a German shepherd, I say she is on the danger level for her breed.  Hubby even gave her a digestive biscuit (if I had done that world war 3 would have broken out in our house) but I have convinced him that rich tea would be better as they aren't made with butter.  I can't bear the thought of the dogs being ill, mainly because it is hard to diagnose what's wrong and treating them isn't always easy .. I suppose a bit like my knaff stomach!

Some good news and bad news over the week, one is John Edwards has had a rise in patients seeking surgery, bad news is that another of our meso circle died. 

It's strange but I don't often think about losing the fight with mesothelioma, only when I hear that it has taken another life - then I get back into the thoughts of I must live everyday to the full - which lasts all of 10 minutes.  We are a strange breed us humans, during our life we ponder on the meaning of life and what it's all about, does it matter if this document doesn't get photocopied or an article read - sometimes I wish we still lived in caves and our only worry was whether we would eat that day, did illness play a large part in our ancestors lives? 

If you have reached this point of today's entry then I hope one thing comes out at you, live for today and I will try better to do the same.  I haven't even gone into work this morning, although I did log on to check a few things but am going to have the rest of the day off .. see I am following my own advice, but will feel guilty for it tomorrow!

Prof Vogl sent me an email yesterday too, he told me to keep up the fight and he will keep up the research, that was nice.  There are only a few who really do take more than a passing interest in meso, some say they have a special interest but when the nitty gritty hits they back away but thankfully we do have a few that stay the course, John Edwards, Andy Owens, Dr Abtin, Prof V, Prof Suh,  to name a few I am sure you know a few to add to the list but it will be a far cry from those who treat other illness's.  I wonder if MESOTHELIOMA is still a dirty word in the medical circles. 

Better get something done otherwise my new vow of making the most has just gone out of the window, take care meso mates, keep battling and no surrender - keep the chinaman at bay and make the most of our day.

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