You know that I am a great believer in CT Scans done regularly, (they do them 3 monthly in USA and Australia as standard) but it still doesn't stop you getting the pre result nerves. When I first had Chemo back in 04/05 I use to have xrays and a follow up meeting every 3 months and for the week before hubby would get the jitters whereas they never bothered me as much. With the scans you know the results are much more clearer and depending on who reports it can give a good understanding of what is going on, and I must admit I now get the jitters.
Over the last couple of weeks some of the meso circle have had bad news and it hurts to hear that things aren't going well. We aren't dealing with a pleasant cancer, it is aggressive and takes no refugees, any pains we get we panic over (understandably) and sometimes that scan can give you peace of mind where odd pains are concerned but of course it can also tell you in black and white bad news.
I am hoping for the best but I fear the worst but maybe I am becoming paranoid over it all. I have to admit that these last few days my kidney pain has settled down so I think I will certainly be giving pilates a miss for quite some time. Last night my ribs ached and during the night I tentatively pressed down each rib and space between, (I was checking for seeding too) I have decided that the muscles and nerves are causing the pain and because my ribs are nearly touching each other in places this is doubling up the problem. I did have a gentle push around my kidney area but that was still too sensitive but has improved from when I went into clinic and I couldn't bear the doc touching me.
I also went to the dentist today to be told the 2 fillings I cracked (must stop eating sweets) would require the teeth being crowned and due to my terrible diet and the use of chemo my teeth are quite week too, so probably more fillings will be required over the next few months. I remember when I was told that my average would be 6 months to a year, my thoughts of the positive were I wouldn't have to visit the dentist! I hate the whole thing and my teeth have always been sensitive even just getting a polish makes my teeth scream.
I can only hope for the best tomorrow but then the scan will be sent out to others to compare as well .. I will either be smiling or crying this time tomorrow night, but as always I will not surrender.