Monday, 16 January 2012

Feeling better

After having such a nightmare of a weekend with pain I decided to help the situation and took a temezapem last night to help ease the nasty heart pain and give me a good nights sleep, which it did and I felt a lot better this morning.  My heart felt 100% better than it did on Friday, so as arranged on Saturday by my GP I was getting ready to go to the surgery to collect a form for an xray at 10am.  While I was in the shower the surgery rang to say I had an appointment at 11.10 for bloods, so thought just go then.  When I checked my phone (some time later) my GP had rang at 10.20 asking where was I? Strange how he never mentioned he'd rang and he'll think strange how I never said anything. I never have my mobile anywhere near me, infact I'm not sure why I really have one.

The antibiotics have kicked in as the pain has been tolerable today, although still a mean headache, but I really shouldn't moan.  The problem is I remember these nasty pains from 07 and it worries me, but I am trying to be positive and think it certainly is an infection of sorts.  After all it has been lingering for a week and the cold weather doesn't help, every time you breath in cold air it always affects your chest.  So my heart, ironbar across my back and headache will be an infection, I can't bear to think of it as being anything else.

The problem with mesothelioma is it can be extremely painful and as it grows the pains get worse and trying to find the right painkiller is just as hard as trying to buy the 'latest most have which is out of stock' and its been promised as a gift!  I did try severdol yesterday but that didn't help either, but the heart pain seems more severe in the morning, eases off as I move around and is back by 4 on an afternoon.  I just can't bear the thought of if this is the meso how will I cope, I have become a wimp where pain is concerned, I use to be able to withstand it, after all I laid patio's and paths with full on pleurisy without knowing it, now I just can't deal with it.

I envy those who suffer no pain with this cancer, I can't understand why I have been so unlucky, I remember being told once that opening someone's chest can bring on a whole load of pain problems on their own, having someone do that twice obviously must cause 2 lots of the same problem.  Am I feeling sorry for myself, yes, I should know better but I am worrying about the future and how on earth I will deal with more pain as this mesothelioma progresses through my chest.  It's no fun when your heart feels heavy and you have an ironball in their, together with feeling like your insides are carrying a iron bar across your back.  Also I feel like I'm being lazy, I haven't cooked for a week, I can't bear the kitchen it feels like an ice box, so hubby is cooking on his own, he's making me a hot water bottle for bedtime, and on a morning lighting a fire in the office so its nice and warm.  I wonder where he gets all the energy from and would I be doing the same if the boot was on the other foot?  I know I would but I feel guilty non the less because he is taking care of me.  In some ways I think it is easier when its the man who is ill rather than the woman. 

I know I will not be allowed to go to work tomorrow, part of me is thankful the other not, my workload is filling up plus there are so many decisions to be made on the housing side.  I honestly don't know how my brother does it, he isn't well yet seems to cope much better than I.  Maybe men are the stronger sex after all.

Time to face the ice box, maybe I should make dinner tonight.

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