Saturday, 12 March 2011

Life's limits

Here I am coming to terms with recurrence of this dreadful cancer, I have managed to dust down my armour and get the battling spirit to 100%.  All plans set for the next month ahead and then out of now where my mam dies yesterday. 

Watching her in A&E struggling for breath was a nail so deep in the heart it brought home what we all may suffer in time to come.  The thought of losing our mam was bad enough as we sat by her knowing that she wasn't going to pull through, her body doing what it had to do to keep alive, trying to drag in breath to keep her heart pumping. 

We don't know whether she knew who we were or not, she had collapsed getting onto the mini bus from her day centre.  The paramedics had worked to get her a heart going for some 20 minutes and we were told on arrival that she still wasn't breathing on her own.  We sat for a good 30 minutes before we could see her and by then a miracle had happened, mam was actually breathing but was unconscious and if she did awake she could have suffered terrible brain damage.  In that desperate hope you have we were willing her to come through but also knew there was very little hope if any.  God bless her, she tried to come back and considering her heart was bad battled all night till 9.30 the next morning. 

I felt for my husband because this is what he will have to deal with if the meso gets it's way.  I also know that watching mam affected my brothers badly also.  I hope that should I get to the point of struggling for air that badly then my nose and mouth accidentally gets covered over.

It has made me question why do we live.  What are we accomplishing in life, as I step into another battle ground with meso I have to ask myself why.  But I love life, I may not do what I should be doing, I do moan about pain but the joy of stroking Lexi and Bear, being hugged by my hubby, feeling the sun on my face, these simple things give me so much pleasure.  Why do we have to complicate our lives, we bring in stress, guilt, the need for better things .. yet once we die our possessions are gone, what caused stress is no longer an issue.

Death is a natural part of life yet it affects us so badly, no matter what age.  My mam was 84 and had a good innings, I wouldn't say she had a great life, she wasn't easy to please but she choose her life. It was always a given that mam would outlive me - which I must admit was a worry as I had visions of my brothers putting her in a home if I wasn't around.  I would like to die of a heart attack, during the night without even knowing - I believe that's how everyone wants to go but its a shame that not many of us do. 

I wonder if over the next 100 years we can develop our genes to a state where we could go to bed one night when we are 70 plus and say tonight please.  Yet if you are healthy and are active, you may not be ready till you are 100, in other cases it may be you are ill and wish to go before hand.  No dying in agony just off to sleep and know no more.  I think I've said this before, are we ever ready to throw in the towel and give up.  I don't think I can ever see me doing that.

Bear is doing his barking of 'come play with me' its a lone woof every few minutes, so guess I will have to close, before I do last night we put crufts on just to see if he would watch the dogs.  He sat in front of the TV and watched the working dogs parade around the ring with full interest .. I totally believe they enjoy TV, but only when its another animal on 4 legs.  The woofs are every minute now so better go and have a play fight.

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