It is nearly a week since mam died and I have no idea where the time has gone. I keep thinking I have ages to go before my trip across the pond so have put all thoughts of organisation to the back of my mind, but then this evening I realised its a week on Saturday when we fly.
I am starting to get nervous, John Edwards isn't sure how Fereidoun will get in to cryo, I can only hope the probes will go and knock down the tumours like skittles in a bowling alley. Paul Taylor from Manchester rang to say that his department think I have a very slow growing meso at the moment, but also pointed out that I have a nodule on the right lung, unchanged, but nevertheless one there. I have noticed this previously and believe him when he says it hasn't changed in shape or size. It's bad enough having it in the left without the right joining in! Itis good to get lots of opinions on the state of ones lungs, some pick up things others haven't.
The only problem is the mesothelioma itself, hopefully it remains slow but then it can change, or it can stop. In the states they go straight in and use chemo to try and keep it back, do we hold back in England just in case it doesn't speed up, or hold back because there is no other chemo's out there?
Why is life full of decisions, I can understand why some patients want to be treatment led but I can also understand why some, like me, want to make their own decisions. If it was a water infection then I would be treatment led because water infections all seem to work the same, meso doesn't seem to follow the same pattern in everyone until it takes control and even then it can be different in each case.
The pain in my heart is still there and feeling heavier, I am hoping this is the one that will really get blasted and go, maybe then I will relax a little. I have noticed recently how my hip bones are becoming more pronounced and my left one gives me strange sensations if I catch it by accident. I need some weight on this area badly.
British Lung Foundation have been campaigning recently about COPD, my mam had this. I remember some 20 years ago being at hospital with her when the Doc was reviewing her xray and he said she had calcium lumps in her lung. I have wondered since her death on Friday whether to ask the crononer to investigate, who knows she may too have had mesothelioma, yet the thought of postponing her funeral isn't in me. As one of my brother's said, what would be the point, there is nothing that could be done if she did have meso. What is COPD? most elderly people seem to suffer from this once they get to 60 suddenly they have COPD and it was classed as normal for people of that age, but why - it's not a normal condition, we aren't born with it so why does it happen?
With mam dying I must admit I haven't had time to put my own fears in place, I guess once I am on the plane then I will start to panic about the days ahead.
Keep the spirits high