Sunday, 19 August 2012

Bored of myself

Another week has flown past, I can't believe I have done so many hours this week, it will be the same again next week and perhaps the week after.  I am so looking forward to going on holiday in September just so we get some sunshine that doesn't turn to rain.

How can such a small island as this have so many different weather patterns.  South is hot and sunny, North wet and clammy, Scotland wet and cold.  We aren't that big so why such various weather patterns is beyond me

I got up with our Lexi at 5 this morning to let her go out, I climbed back into bed half awake but found I was quite breathless.  At 6 our Bear came up and shoved his snout into my face, so once again I went down and let him out.  Climbed the stairs, back in bed and once again breathless.  Of course I have told myself I am smoking too much and that I need to cut them down but I know they aren't helping but it isn't the smoking its the meso. 

I do hope it is slow growing on this next scan, but whether you have large amounts or thickening that isn't very thick or singular tumours that measure some 2 to 3 cm's its what nerves  they can push on that makes them painful.  For breathlessness I'm not sure, my right lung, as far as I know, only has 3 small tumours, I can only hope they haven't grown or is this the reason for the breathlessness.

Why is it us women need friends, yet men can manage not to bother as much.  I have had two friends for 36 years but recently (well over the last 2 years) I think I finally realised that they aren't the friends I truly thought they were.  This is probably why I can't give up work, it is the only form of socialising I have and one that I would truly miss and maybe the friends I have at work are probably better friends than those I class as my friends.  I have plenty of acquaintances but nothing beats that true friendship you form where you can discuss anything and everything.  I am probably one of the worst for visiting, or have been over the last few years.  My friend Joyce broke her foot and I have only been once to visit!  I keep trying to do stuff but work comes first, then when I get in I'm tired then its another day.  Our lives seem to go

Up - Shower - Work - Lunch - Work - Dinner - Computer - TV 9pm - Bed 10 pm.  This is my Monday to Friday Schedule apart from Wednesday when I go to healing.

Weekends its Up - Shower - either work or walk dogs - Computer - Dinner - Bed!

I need to get a life before this precious life of mine goes.  I remember wanting to work till I was well past retirement age, I don't want to do that now but if I do give up work I can see me doing nothing apart from sitting in front of a computer all day and doing nothing else.  Not healthy for me, and a lifestyle that can lead to boredom and depression.  Hubby and I said when summer comes we'll do this and that because the weather is better.  Summer is here but still we have done nothing different.  The walks have been pleasant because the weather has been warmer and not too windy but apart from that my life has been no different to that of last year or the year before. 

Why do we fight to stay alive, put ourselves through countless treatments that nearly kill us?  I know its love for our partners and family but sometimes does our existence really mean that much.  Sometimes when I am in the realms of pain I ask myself this and even though my life is as above Yes I would fight tooth and nail to still be here.

I often wonder would it have been different if I hadn't been ill for all these years and I honestly can't answer whether it would be or not.  If anything I would probably work more hours and still do nothing about visiting and socialising with friends. 

 On that note I truly hope you are doing something much more exciting than I.


amanda said...

hi Jan,
think we are all doomed to wonder if we should be doing more with our lives. I am glad I don't work full time at the moment, so Ray and I have more time together- then when we don't do anything special we think what waste. Other times we enjoy doing nothing and being normal. We have lots of good ideas but a lot don't go anywhere... I don't think its the meso, I think we are just lazy.

Anonymous said...

Jan your words are always so encouraging and over the last year I have followed your blog Regularly. You really have helped to keep me going when I have felt so low . My husband was diagnosed in April last year but sadly died two weeks ago . I thank you for all Your courage and strength . Cheryl x

Jan said...

I would like to think the blog helped you in some small way but I am sure it was your own strength and love that got you through. I am sorry to hear that your husband lost his battle I wish there was something I could say to make things feel better. Thank you for your encouraging words as they do mean a lot to me. Jan x