Sunday, 12 August 2012

New or old Growth Meso

These last few days have been an annoyance with pain.  I am sure that ever since my overdoing it on my birthday walk my friend, meso, has jump started into a new growing wave.  The structure that holds my heart in place feels like a ton weight that is pulling south with every movement.  A new pain has developed on the left just on the last rib and a couple in the right lung, especially one around the shoulder blade.

Whether this is another quick spurt that will settle once my body gets use to them being there I don't know but I hope so, I really can do without it.  I keep telling myself I will hold back, I guess in my mind, as in the minds of other meso sufferers, I am waiting for that magic pill that will take the meso away and it never come back.

I was reading about other sufferers and seeing that some have managed 4 years meso free after treatments and more so surgery I feel robbed.  All the treatments and surgeries I have endured and my meso always seems to rear its ugly head, one year after the last surgery just isn't fair. 

Funny though because my whole body is feeling the effects, my joints ache, my legs feel heavy and I just can't be bothered.  Will I feel better in less than a months time, I hope so, because we are going on our cruise and hopefully the sunshine will give some peace to the pain that is currently controlling my life and my attitude.

Lifting the morphine for these pains won't work, it isn't acute its more wearing, a slow toothache apart from the heart area and my that hurts but not acute.  I have always been told that meso pain is the worst there is, but just how much worse can it get? 

I was watching the amazing Mr Benjamin last night on tv and I cried, I felt all this emotion that has sat inside for so long rise to the surface.  I missed my mam and felt guilty that I wasn't at her bedside when she died and for the first time that I can remember I started to worry about actually dying, will it be fast, slow, painful?  Terrible thoughts were racing through my head that by the time I went to bed I had put myself into a state, one which I can never discuss with hubby.  I ended up taking a temazapam just to help me relax otherwise my mind was going to be on that ever turning wheel.  I had hoped when I woke up this morning the pain in my heart would have lifted but no its still there.

I do envy those who have no pain, honestly if you are reading this with meso and are pain free you really have no idea, under the circumstances, how lucky you are.  How much pain can the body endure in one lifetime?  Between this and endo I have been in pain since 1988!

Sorry I am feeling sorry for myself big time, I need a good shake.  I know that many of us with Meso go through days, weeks and some even months in this state, but it doesn't make it any easier does it. 

I really want to take the mutts for a walk today but the thought of tramping through the high grass and making my aching heart work harder isn't appealing, but being stuck in the house sitting in front of a computer screen isn't the answer either.

I have joined fb and have learnt so much from postings but regret it because I am finding I can be on there for too long.  I need self control back.

I know I can't face another Nothing Day today but at the moment my body is telling me that's what is going to happen.  I hope no one else is having one today!

2 comments:

gloria Miller said...

It made me sad to read about how much pain you have had to endure. Why should anybody have to fight so hard for their life and endure so much. You look beautiful in all your pictures. I know you are a good person because you love animals so much. It makes me mad when I hear about animals being abused. The humans who do this should be severely punished. All I can say is that you have a great deal that is positive in your life. I guess that is why you fight so hard. Your spirit and your love of life will help you to survive no matter what. Let's pray that one day they will find a cure and restore people like yourself to good health. Just hang in there, miracles happen. Gloria Miller

ANNE HAMILTON said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. My late husband also had meso. We only knew one month before he died. He had been ill for a long time but the doctors didn't investigate until it, |.AunM5. to do anything. John shielded me from the worst of the disease for as long as possible. CLz- @ a1as in pain or how much - I could only guess. I did guess but he never complained.