Monday, 14 January 2013

4 Years On from Surgery

The snow arrived late last night, Bear was the give away, bashing on the patio door to be in, his coat covered in white flakes.  The weekend flew by but not in the way that I expected.  Saturday I spent a good 3 hours grooming my baby Bear.  It isn't an easy job when he only allows you to do ten minutes at a time and the minute you find a tatter in his hair he's up and off.  Chasing him around the room gets tiring!
Sunday the sun was out and I was sure it would be a good day for a nice walk over the fields, how wrong could I have been.  The moment I stepped out of the car I started to cough, the air must have aggrevated my warm lungs.  As we walked across the first field I had to take some ventoline, which I hate doing, just to catch my breath.  I think the dogs took a huff as we only got part way down the second field and common sense made me turn around and head back to the safety of the car.  Although the walk back was as cold, with my scarf held close to my mouth and my head down I managed to get back without further coughing.  I was disappointed though as the sky was blue!  I hate having things close to my face, maybe it's a fear of not being able to breath that makes me feel this way.
The afternoon passed annoyingly.  We have all these super duper programs for digital cameras, lightroom, CS5 but could I do what I wanted and start a new project.  I want to create a slide show of our time together plus a scrap book that can be played on the TV, I guess like an ebook that retailers use these days.  Three hours of frustration, yes you can make a slideshow in lightroom but it sorted the pictures its way and not the way I wanted them.  Then in CS5 it does it in MB, but you can't add blank tiles to create text!  So I decided to download Photoshop 11, oh no more problems, 64 bit and the screen was non to helpful.  You need this but alternative download is this, which one??  As it happened I choose the wrong one, 3 hours later and its still downloading, so I binned it and started again.
It was only this morning when I realised the date that I thought wow my rebirth from meso is tomorrow, 4 years on.  I am grateful to this extra time and only regret the meso came back and I just can't get rid of it.  During the night the pain in my bottom left ribs was disturbing my sleep, I woke up and tentively touched them, they were sore as was the muscle to my abdomen, I hope this isn't a sign of something sinister going on.  The heart pain is becoming a normal pain, ie its there all the time but my brain is getting used to dealing with it.  My boob has decided to do that nipping sensation again, so I fear it may be back on the growth pattern again.  But, and its a nice but, I am still hear to moan about them!
I bet most of you think all I do is moan, but honest I don't, I just let it all out on here and occasionally with others.  The release sometimes of getting it off your chest is good, we have enough going on in our lives and to bear all we feel inside doesn't do us any good.
Is anybody else having problems with blogger, it keeps loosing your post part way through and you can't load photo's.  Technology is driving me nuts at the moment!
I am hoping to go to the Bond Night in Derby to see Mavis receive her award.  Hubby is, of course, not interested in going, I have tried to tell him it isn't a cancer night, it's an industry night which just happens to be awarding those who have spread awareness about mesothelioma.  I wasn't intending on going when I heard about it last year as I assumed, wrongly!, that I would still be on chemotherapy.  See you should never count your eggs as my mother would say.  I have to get my backside in gear if I want to go, but also need to find out who will go with me. 
Life always brings some problems with it.  I also realised today that its 13 years since I miscarried.  I am a strange person in many ways because as things happen I tend to get over them and move on, except with meso because it just won't go.  But every now and again the loss of a child, even though I didn't bear her, hits you hard in the heart.  She would have been 13 this summer, the start of the teens.  I try not to play out the if's and but's, how different our lives would have been had a child been involved.  As hubby reminds me occasionally, it would have been awful for a young child to witness some of the sessions I went through prior surgery.  It shows how strong several of our Meso friends are, Debbie has brought up her son, Heather was a new mum.  But we are human and in many ways we tackle what we have and just step into it, deal with it and move on. 
I can hear the pressure cooker releasing steam, dinner will be served in a few moments so I guess its time to log off. 
I hope we can all step into whatever is going on with our lives and deal with it, it would be nice though if we were all stepping into happiness right now, I certainly wouldn't want to deal with it I would want to wallow in it for a long long time - stay well.

1 comment:

amanda said...

Hi Jan, we went out for a walk on Sunday to make the most of the sunshine but just like you we had been out for about ten minutes when Ray was struggling for breath- he said it felt as though his chest was in a vice. We think it was the shock of the cold air in his lungs.

He persevered and it got better although never entirely comfortable.

Here's hoping the cold snap doesn't last to long