Wednesday, 2 January 2013

A New Year

Normally I am always looking back and worried that I did the wrong thing about treatments, did I have this too early or too late, and today seems no different.  I am worried about the chemo I had in November and my two doses being enough before I went into body melt down and the fact that old pains are back as well as a couple of new ones but I refuse to keep these in my mind.
2013 has to be a year to look forward, I can't go back... I wish I could and I am sure I am not alone in this sentiment at times.  Choosing what to do and when is not an issue we should take lightly and as I wait for the appointment for a scan, which I still haven't had since chemo, I am left a little worried as to what it will say.  Has the 2 doses awoken the meso's wrath or did it ease its growth speed, even if the pains are back.  Maybe fluid was dispersed and is gradually building up again .. these are questions though we never get answers too.
I stepped out for my first walk of the year yesterday and boy was it cold and windy, we ended up driving part way into the first field as the wind was too strong for me to breathe.  At least I got out and made the effort, of which I intend to do more of this year.
Although I don't want to just be out dog walking, I want to go out and about and visit places I haven't seen in years.  Another good thing about yesterday was that I saw a few deer, always a good sign that the poachers haven't been out recently.
We saw 5 in all, 2 Mother's with their young ones, what a relief it is to see them.  They watched us cross through the woods before taking off and jumping the fences.
I found myself in tears as well on New Year's Day, there I was in the shower and thinking of all the people who have died last year of meso and then suddenly our little Jagar was in my mind's eye.  Probably because we have been looking at old photo's but boy did I sob.  Probably a mixture of what everyone with or associated with this cancer is going through.  Not to mention my own fears of what will I do next. 
I am hoping we will get away on some cruises but I need to get hubby sat down and focused on the brochures.  We both should stop the cigs and everytime I think of them I have a near panic attack at the thought of not smoking ... I have created an addiction to them and the more I think about not having one the more I find I want one!  A vicious circle has evolved.
Due to the windy weather we have endured I have been working through an exercise book on creating databases in VBA (for something to do and hopefully learn a trick or two).  I should have done this years ago when I started writing them, but as I have worked through it the code doesn't always work!  So frustrating but it has helped to keep my little brain cells ticking over.  I always want to run before I can walk on any project I take to hand so in some ways it has been good to start from the beginning and see where I go wrong and end up writing a long winded procedure instead of something short and sweet!
So we would normally be back at work today but we are staying off till Monday, having had days off doing nothing I don't really fancy having to hurry on a morning and go to work, ok I take over an hour to get ready on a workday morning, but over these hols I have sat in my dressing gown till 11 am! 
We haven't really been out so today I am dragging him in doors to the shops, we don't need anything but it isn't nice weather and I think its about time we escaped the house and dogs!
So here's to still being here this time next year and may we all find a path through the treatments that enables us to still be around in another 12 months.
I would like to say a Thank You to everyone that has supported me through 2012, you help to keep me battling on and also help ensure I write what I feel.
We had a sad year with so many losing the battle to mesothelioma, I hope and pray that 2013 we have fewer losses and less people being diagnosed.  Having your life be given a death sentence is so unfair.

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