Monday, 30 September 2013

Today wasn't good

I decided to go to bed without a relaxant, bad idea.  I laid in pain from my shoulder for an hour but I was determined not to take anything.  I still had bad sweats and this morning was no joy waking up.  I got up at 8 and made a cup of coffee but I couldn't drink it.  I was hot and cold, but I knew the nurses would come early today and I wanted to be showered and dressed.  

I slowly climbed the stairs and felt terrible, Gary had to help me wash my hair.  Breathing was painful and I was sure it was down to the shoulder.  I wanted to lie down into a ball and sleep until the pain went.  I managed to get back down to the living room and sat on the sofa.  The pains were making me feel physically sick but I couldn't face drinking anything or even taking my normal meds. The nurses arrived, took one look at me and rang my doctor.  I didn't want them to drain as I think I am dehydrated, even though this fluid isn't helping me, drawing off would make my BP drop.  I cancelled the physio as getting to his clinic was out of the question.  My doc arrived and gave an anti inflammation injection into my backside.  He needed somewhere with muscle to inject, he moaned my skinny bottom didn't have much either.  The injection sent some heat to my shoulder and it seemed to lessen the pain.  I started to feel normal and hoped this was the end of it.

Lorraine arrived for a quick coffee, this gave Gary a chance to take the dogs for a run, knowing if I went downhill Lorraine could cope.  Joyce then arrived, a little get together was forming, thankfully by then I was feeling better, a protein drink and some juice was now in my system.  We just got settled into a conversation when the nurses arrived back, it was decided they would drain.  Peeling the dressing off was painful and I yelped like a wimp, they said we could leave the drain out and only change the dressing once or twice a week.  Sounds good to me.  It started coming out fast then slowed, a pain shot up my back and I had to stop the drain.  We managed 700 litres but I didn't want to continue.  Joyce offered to massage my shoulder, which would probably help, but knowing my luck something else would go wrong, so we didn't bother.

It's been a hard day, my body is still recovering from the trauma, my mind has also had a wake up call - the cancer is real, it has made my stomach swell, leading to a drain needed to be fitted.  I am not dealing with my body trying to protect my organs by creating fluid and robbing protein and salts from  other parts of my system.  I can't escape to work and put this away in the corner of my mind because I am in pain.  

I hope tomorrow will be better, I don't want to go through another morning like this one, not only does it hurt it makes Gary feel useless.  I keep telling myself its early days and once my shoulder feels better I will cope with the other pains a lot better.

Being positive is great when you don't hurt but trying to keep it going when you feel so ill doesn't work.  I thought the cancer had won this morning and my body was getting ready to shut down.  Thankfully that wasn't the case.

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