Friday, 22 November 2013

Constricted Chest

Having chemo by an oral tablet is so easy.  We arrived at the Freeman in plenty of time even though an accident had happened a couple of exits ahead of ours.  The chemo lounge has been refitted with nice new chairs and seemed even airer than the last visit.  I handed in blood results and she said won't be long just waiting for the chemo.  Everyone was having infusions, my pills arrived, popped them both and said goodbye, easy.

Joyce called over with a home made batch of her ginger snaps, these are seriously to die for.  I ate 4 while she chatted then it was dinner.  My taste buds seemed better today so Gary decided to cook a roast dinner.  I actually stuffed my face with Yorkshire puddings and veg, the gravy still tasted odd but I did eat lots.

As the night wore on my stomach became so uncomfortable, my jeans I had to undo as I bloated. When we went to bed I was so uncomfortable, I should have drained but I went to bed instead.  During the night I actually got up 4 times and each time I found it hard to breath when I got back into bed.  My torso felt like a cage had wrapped round it and my lung was unable to move up or down, it was a frightening experience.  I used the oxygen a couple of times and found the only way I could sleep was on my left side with my head really raised.  It was a long night I can tell you.

The hours seemed to tick by slowly, I heard Bear bound up the stairs and Gary get up, I lifted my head and felt terrible.  Needless to say I stopped in bed.  He came back up at 9 and brought me some water, I just couldn't lift my head from the pillow, so he sat on the bed with me.  At 10 my chest was that tight I couldn't breath again but I got up and came downstairs.

I didn't want to do anything but I knew draining would help, today we got a full litre out, the last week it's only been upto 500, could this be the chemo is irritating the meso so more fluid is producing or the meso is growing, I would like to think its the first.  It took a while then my chest started to feel roomier, more space for my lungs to move up and down.  Although this cage which was once around my left lung now seems to cover my entire stomach too. 
I am frightened of what is happening, I have never felt like this over the last 13 years and boy it isn't pleasant.  We know things can change ever so quickly and I hope that this chemo is having a desired effect otherwise what am I doing or what will I do.  If it does nothing then I have left it too late to try and save myself with another form of poison.  Decisions when you have cancer and never easy, not for us or even our oncologists.
I wish I could get this damn cancer cut out, that would be what would set my mind at rest but I know that really doesn't happen in the UK.  In the USA and I believe Australia they do do surgery quite often to remove it from the abdomen.  Although most who have it there have only just being diagnosed with it in that area, mine has spread from the lung, or so we presume.
So maybe today is a washout but hopefully tomorrow I will be back on top, fighting cancer and treatments is a hard thing for everyone to do, no matter which cancer.  Yet with ours it does seem that much more harder, maybe because we know it isn't a cure.
Anyway enough of meso, Lexi is doing well, whether its the meticam she is having, a painkiller, or it was a bug she went through we will never know but as long as she keeps improving I don't care.  At least someone is doing well in the house.
Mavis is off to a meeting today and is asking why the Gold Standard is not used around the country, it will be interesting to hear what she reports back with.  Meanwhile Christine Winters is doing a talk about the dangers of Asbestos, without people who promote this, mesothelioma will keep affecting lives, we need to have it banned.  My hubby doesn't believe our voices are heard but I believe differently, after all women did get the vote!
Have found a different printers which offers to do my books a lot cheaper than the first one I used, maybe I should have shopped around before but when you start out on anything you have no idea what you are doing.  I was quoted 6.23 per book to print, how will any money be raised for charity at that price.  The new company are estimating 4.75, at least that gives me a 1.00 for charity if I still sell these at 5.99.
I had meant to drop some books in at the Charlie Bear Charity yesterday but I hadn't done a sales sign.  What I think I will do is give her 5 for their charity and 5 for the MKMRF then I don't feel so bad asking a charity to sell on behalf of someone else.
Saks at Bishop Auckland have done me proud too, the owner has managed to sell some of The DreamWeaver's Choice and I would hope she will then be able to sell the next one.  Jane from the Spa Shop at Heighington did the best sales in her shop and is also willing to sell no 2.  It all goes to MKMRF so am grateful for their efforts.  Actually Jane has read book 2 and can't wait to stock it, so am happy about that.  Although this time I am only ordering 100 books, Chris Knighton is moving premises and I don't think she has managed to sell many of the 266 I gave her as stock, shame really that people haven't got behind this or bought them for their nephews, nieces and grandkids.  I know I am terrible but I wrote it for charity not to gain fame.
That's my news, I am going back to the sofa and hopefully feel brighter tomorrow.  If it is the chemo then today is worth it, if it isn't then I don't want to go there. Yes, I did have a few tears this morning, thinking the worst, but once I was showered, which reminds me.  You will all think I am stupid, which obviously I am.  I called the plumbers back in because our downstairs shower isn't hot enough, stupid me, the button was too stiff to press in, I thought it was at its furthest point!  Now I am having hot showers.....

I was inspired by Lisa to write this and I hope it helps those who have any worries about what to say
Last Goodbye
Wishing everyone well.

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