Monday, 26 October 2009

Weekend of Pain

What a rotten weekend, the weather was terrible and I think my body was in tune with it.  Between stomach aches for no reason, Gary has become a dab hand at making water bottles, to be fair the stomach aches have been all week!  Then the strange stomach feelings on a morning, coffee just doesn't taste right even if I postpone having one for a good 15 minutes after surfacing.  Sunday my chest felt tight and all I felt I wanted to do was take a massive breath of oxygen but I know that wasn't the problem.  Then the iron bar across my back and just feeling totally crap.  I had high hopes of feeling better after the operation but it seems as I've recovered from being butchered all the old signs of this bloody cancer are still here, maybe they were still there but underlying as the brain was dealing with so many other pains.  All I know is that there seems no respite for me.

I took a sleeping pill Wednesday night as it was two weeks without decent sleep, and to make up I took another one on Thursday.  Friday I was out of sorts and blamed the tablet .. to much unnatural sleep .. but the out of sorts continued to pain and discomfort.

I was worried yesterday, at one point I thought of going to A&E but seriously what can a hospital do for you when you know what the problem is, I have tried stomach tablets without success, pain-relief does work on the pains but not on the aches and for my chest what ... I nearly went to my mams and took a swig of her oxygen machine, but in my heart of hearts I knew this would do no good either.

I am hoping this is just a one off week but I had sweats last night, the dead rabbit type.  On a high note I have managed to put on weight.  I got out of the shower and noticed for the first time that my boobs don't resemble dried up currents but more like grapes, and my arms have filled back out.  I just need to be careful I don't get a much of a stomach or I will panic.

Have decided to go into work today, at least it will keep my mind occupied and I might even get some work done which makes me feel a little better, recently feel like I'm getting paid for doing nothing and that doesn't rest easy in the mind.

I do hope everyone else had a better time of it than me, I just can't understand why I always am ill and here I am debulked and should be in respite.

Hopefully will publish some photo's of baby bear later on, he raises a smile.  He is certainly taken after his name, his breeder and I both think he's been eating too many pies, he's twice the size of his baby sister.  3 weeks before we can hold him.  I do hope that I am doing the right thing although I know if I should pop my clogs, he may miss me but Gary will certainly be a good dad.

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