Saturday, 12 February 2011

Mesothelioma Thoughts

My CT Scan has gone astray en-route to UCLA, somehow it has managed to get lost in Belgium - don't even ask.  All I seem to have done over the last couple of years is complain about the pain instead of trying to take a leaf out of Steve and Linda's book -do something positive!  My positive is whether I managed to get to work all week and looking forward to waking up one morning feeling normal.  Guess that dream will never happen. 

I remember the first year I was diagnosed and after going through surgery, radiotherapy and chemo we spent weeks travelling, I think it was nearly one week in eight on holiday.  Then you settle into thinking you have forever then it comes back.  Another round of chemo that didn't work, a couple of cryo's that killed those particular growths then surgery.  Surgery, in my mind, would hold back the disease for years and years.  I had been put off early on from surgery because many died before leaving the hospital, others seem to have return within 18 months and invariably it always went to the abdomen.  But I thought I had beaten it, that I like several others would have years ahead.  It could be slow growing, it could take years to get to where it was back in 04 or even 07 but then again it could take a very short time.  Maybe if tomotherapy had been available all the small microscope cells would have died at that time and I would still be living cancer free.   But my hubby's favourite saying is "it's done you can't do anything about it", so guess I can't.  What would I do if I could turn back the clock?  I guess I couldn't change when I got meso as how would I know when it occurred, which Sunday shouldn't I have washed my dad's overall's or indeed my brothers overalls? 

What I need to do now is do Something Positive - I am sure that fighting spirit will emerge, but oh how you get tired of fighting, but we aren't just fighting the disease we are also fighting politics which takes a lot of energy that we just don't have the energy for.  I would like some one to wrap me up in a soft blanket and tell me this is what we are going to do and you will be better.   A Pipe dream I know, how do other people deal with cancer, am I just lost at the moment?  - Indeed how did I deal with it for all those years. 

I have pulled an image off of where a couple of growths are - how can these little nodules do so much damage.

These are two starting, further down are another four and then this is followed by thickening. This is why I hope that Dr Abtin can cryo-ablate these two and the others further down.  Or maybe this new fancy machine in Manchester can blast them so they can't release anymore cells.  I remember once being told that 1 cm can hold 1 billion cancer cells, they open and spill out allowing another 1cm to grow etc and etc.  Lets hope that one day someone can find something that stops that 1 billion cells flourishing.  In the meantime, is it the cancer that kills or is it back to the toxins.  This has always been my question from way back when, we can live without the lung why can't we work at killing the poisonous toxins that are spilled out into our blood streams and damage our organs? 

On that note I will close this blog for the night and think about Something Positive to Do tomorrow.

God Bless you all and keeping fighting, don't become complacent like I did, always work on the thought that tomorrow may never happen, this doesn't mean go and be reckless, but say what you mean and mean what you say, treat others how you wanted to be treated yourself.  Smile and the world smiles with you and if you can spare a penny, give it away.


newfoundland dogs said...

Jan, If I could wrap you up in cotton wool, loads and loads of it this now I would and tell you every thing is going to be alright. I want you to get some SUN and fast, thats a Angela order, lol. You need a much needed boost to charge your mind and body and stay positive, yes I know its easyier said than done, but you must as it doesnt sound as if you have the heart and strieght that you had before and you must find this again and fight another round with this awful Mesothelioma, YOU MUST FIND YOUR FIGHT AGAIN ONCE MORE, YOU CAN AND SOON, NOTHING ELES THIS NOW MATTERS. Its job is to wear you down and win..... Your iner strenght of what I see of mind over matter has always made you come out on top so far and IT MUST AGAIN and you will find it again. I know many have to live minute to minute and no one apart from you 100% knows what you have to go through and its so easy for all us on lookers to put our penny's worth in but please find the power and will to do battle and win once more, I know your mind and body are so tierd now But you can Win again... You do have the strenght.
Angela xxx

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