Tuesday, 1 February 2011

No mercy Mesothelioma

How often have I ranted at everyone insisting they get scanned every 3 months, how many times do we hear that the meso had started again because we werent' getting checked out every 3 months and had no idea how long it had been sprouting its ugly spurs, so how stupid was I to let my specialist tell me I was having too many scans and really I should only have one every 6 months.  Infact, I wasn't even going to be given on after 6 months if I was waiting for my specialist I would still be waiting.  A couple of weeks ago I said to hubby if I didn't have a date I was going to get back in touch with my old (privately paid) oncologist to see if he could get me one.  Thankfully, my GP rang me on the lead up to Christmas and asked when my next scan was, I told him I hadn't been given one and he was non too pleased so it seems he organised the one I just had himself! 

So my friend has returned, the areas that were suspicious and brought to my attention by Dr Abtin (USA) are now well and truly active...  The fight will have to start again and I have lost round one already.  Multi focal recurrent pleural malignancy\mesothelioma, what a mouthful but there we have it .. back and kicking.

To say that I am shocked would be unbelievable because we all know that our time isn't our own, we know we have a ticking time bomb inside our chests.  Indeed, every new ache we wonder, even if briefly, is it meso, but we blindly don't think it will return.  We are blinkered into believing we will outwit this rotten cancer.  I have worn those blinkers, I have delayed doing a bucket list with my life and making the most of the time I have, I put its return in the far reaches of my mind so that I could carry on living a normal life.  The pain, as you all know, has worn me down, but it is pain, it won't kill me but now I wonder if  the adjustment in area's hasn't just been my body fixing and repairing itself, its probably being my friend rearming and posting little soldiers all around the chest so that it can come back as multi focal.  Why not just one area, why does it have to hit the whole area. 

What have I ever done to mesothelioma .. did I invite it in, have I done something over the last 2 years to stir the bloody disease back to life .. will I be able to build my army to fight back? 

The support of my meso friends will bring me courage to face the next step and I know that I will do whatever I can to get back to a normal life, I'm not ready to do the bucket list.


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